Imagine

Today I had a great idea. Back in July Morgan showed me a website called etsy.com. Basically an eBay type of site that allows members to sell their own art work, or crafts or whatever.

So today the idea struck me to sell my art work on it. But more specifically my paintings and skateboards. It is something that I love to do, so why not make some money off them too?!

I painted a skateboard today. It was my first, and done with oil paint so not the greatest. I am thinking for the skateboard decks I will need to get some acrylic paint. But here it is.

You are welcome to check it out if you'd like. Here!

In Exile

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day we'll see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I wont rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived
Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I really don't know what I wanna write tonight. I just know that I feel like I need to.

I don't think that I have been too honest lately. I think that I have been trying to put on a facade. And act like I am doing better than I actually am. But to be brutally honest, I am not okay. I haven't been for quite some time now.

I would say a year ago Morgan told me that she thought I was depressed. I disregarded it. Me, the Josh Wright, how could I be depressed?! I was though. I was living vicariously through Morgan. And through other people. So naturally, I was depressed. Denying me to live my life automatically forced that depression on. This isn't something new. I have discussed it in depth in previous posts. I am just trying to build up some background. (I think anyways...)

Since Morgan and I broke up I have been trying to heal. And trying to get my life back in order. I have needed to for a long time now. I think that Morgan stepping out was a wonderful display of her love for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. She is right. I need this "Josh time". It is nice to know that I can focus entirely on me. And I like to think that I have been making some great progress. (See my last post for more details on that.)

But at the same time I absolutely HATE this. I know that I hurt Morgan with my stupid financial junk. I am trying to forgive myself. I hate that I have driven her away. And that my poor money managing skills, and poor life management drove her out of my life. I found someone who I loved. Who I would go to the ends of the world with. Someone who made me genuinely happy. I never ever anticipated us ever breaking up. I thought we would grow old together. And I looked forward to that.

I miss her so much though. I love her with all of my heart, and soul. I want nothing more than for me to get my life back in order, and for her to be by my side again. I know that I am supposed to be focusing on me. And I have been. Honestly. But I can not let go of what we had. And I can't not wish for that again. It is something that I think about everyday.

That is what I mean when I say that I am not okay. Morgan is dating another guy now. And I'll be honest, the first time I saw him I wanted to do something terrible to him. I don't know him, but I can't stand him. I have asked a few girls out, but with no luck yet. I am trying to heal. And trying to move on as much as it kills me. But I love her. And I want her. I want another chance with her. I loved "being a family".

I can't go on with this charade anymore either. I want her to love me the way that she did. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms. And tell her "I love you". I want to kiss her. And hold her. And feel at piece with her. I realize that this isn't all me either. That there are things that Morgan needs to work out in her life.

I don't know why I am in a rush to get things back to normal. If things ever get back to normal. But I feel like I am making progress. And I feel like I am headed in a good direction to get my life straightened out. I think it all comes down to a simple fact; I was happy with her. Extremely happy. And I want that again.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I wish I did. I want Morgan to see me, and see the Josh that she fell in love with. I want her to want to be with me again. She is an amazing person. She is wonderful, and caring. She is hardworking and motivated. She is stunningly beautiful. She is an angel. She was my angel.

I know that life will work itself out. I don't doubt that. I believe that there is a Dude above who has a plan for us all. I am trying to trust His plan. I have tried to force my way too long. And I believe it has accounted for some of my mess right now. I am trying to be happy. Trying to live life again.

There. I am now completely vulnerable. Judge me for how you will. But I am being honest. With myself, with God, and with you.

Morgan, I love you. I will always love you.

This Life

It has been a while since I last posted anything. So perhaps it is time.

Things have been different lately. School has started up again. I only have 12 credits this semester. Much easier to handle than the 21 of last semester. And I have actually been doing really well with keeping up with my work. Two weeks in, and haven't fallen behind yet! I have been feeling really good about it. I want to get into good habits with school. And not procrastinate things like I always have done in the past.

Work has been going well too. I had the flu for about a week and a half. And missed a few days of work. I am finally over it. It was nasty, that's for sure. We had one of our assistants retire over the Christmas break, and so we have been busier than we used to be. But that is alright, I really don't mind the slightest. I have really enjoyed this job. Dr Marlow is fun to work with. And is really good about teaching, and explaining things. It is nice to be paid to train in the career that I wanna do! I have some good co-workers too. They make the job fun. And we work well together. I really am happy with it. I feel like I lucked out in getting this job.

I have been meeting with the missionaries quite a bit lately. We're not really doing much more than chatting, but it has been nice to have the company. I have really been trying to rediscover my spirituality lately. I have been reading the Book Of Mormon in the morning over my cereal. And then I started the Doctrine and Covenants to read in bed. I have been really trying to make my prayers meaningful too. I just think that it is a key thing for me to discover myself again. I know it will take some time though.

I have non-officially become the designated driver for my friends whenever we go out. Which has been happening more regularly now. I don't mind drinking my Coca-Cola Classic while they get wasted. Haha! And it is nice to know that I have friends who respect me for not drinking, and who don't try to pressure or suade me to drink. My wallet likes it a lot better too. My $5.00 bill for a few cokes is much better than their $35.00 for alcohol...

My bankruptcy has officially been filed. I am awaiting my court date, I guess it will happen within the next 30 days. Then about 45-60 days after that, it will all be finished. I am glad that I shopped around for lawyers too. Mine seems to be really good, and is very personable. I am comfortable with him and his team. I have been trying to live according to a budget. It gets difficult at times. But it is something that I really need to do. It is a good feeling to know that I can pay my bills, and not have to stress over where I am gonna get the money. Granted, it has only been a few weeks, but it is a relief none-the-less. I have been applying for a second job too. I got hired at a movie theater a few weeks back. But whenever I would call to speak with the manager for details he "wasn't in". And after a week and a half of trying, I decided that if he can't show me the decency of returning a phone call, then I am done with it. I think that another job would be really good for me too. Just give me more cushion financially.

I signed up for some community education classes. I am excited for them to start. I am taking a ballroom dance class. Morgan has tried to teach me before, but unsuccessfully. I guess I shouldn't say that. I learned a little bit, but was terrible at it. I would love to learn to dance though. I think it is a good skill to know. I am also taking a Spanish class. It is an intro class, but it has been over 5 years since I spoke it on a regular basis, and have forgotten most of it. So I am excited to re-learn it. And anxious to see if I still have those language skills that I had as a missionary. You know, the ability to speak near-fluently after 2 days... I am taking a piano class too. It was my "hey, I should do this" class. Ha! It is just a one time thing. Where they just teach chords, and structure. So it sounds perfect for me. I am excited. They don't start for another month though.

I am still meeting with my therapist. I think that it is really helping. I am amazed how quickly the hour goes by, and how much I can talk... It is just nice to have a non-biased person to talk things through with. I haven't really ever gone in with a specific topic to talk about, but always end up finding something. Honestly, I think that it is something everyone could use. Not just the crazies like me. :-)

I really love Morgan. So very much. There are times and moments when I miss her so much. And when I miss having her in my life. I think that I am healing, but it is a constant struggle for me. She is so wonderful. She makes me feel alive. Both body and soul. I know that this break up is a good thing for me. I think I have needed this time for a while now. I definitely needed to get my life back in order. It fell apart. I think that it is being rebuilt again. I have a slow contractor though, and he sure is taking his time on the rebuild. But that is ohk. It just allows me to work out my problems and my issues fully.

Life is interesting to say the least. I am 100% confident that I will be able to get things back in order. But not just back in order, but better than they were before. I don't want to look back at this time in the future, and wish that I had tried harder. Or done things different. This is my time. This is my life. And I want it to be the best that it can possibly be. And that is totally and completely dependent on me. If I want success in my life, then I need to make success. If I want happiness, then I need to make happiness. I can't rely on those around me and my loved ones to provide that for me. They can be instrumental in it; but ultimately it depends on me.

I never meant to write another novel, just seems to happen. My apologies.

Little Things

Sometimes I forget how simple things can be.

I am the type of person who has to understand things. I do it with practically every situation I have ever been in. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be when applied to all aspects of my life. Especially spiritually.

Ether 12:27 states: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I read over that verse last night several times. And I have read over it several times today. For a long time now my faith has been in what I can explain. What makes logical sense to me. And that is not what faith is.

I need to start to look at things from an eternal perspective. God is in control. I have fought that long enough. His grace is sufficient. He can make my weaknesses become my strengths. If I humble myself, and exert my faith. I don't need to understand. I don't need to see the full picture. Instead, I can be reassured that I will be okay. That my life will work itself out. As long as I do what I need to do, and through my faith God's grace will make up for the rest.

That simple verse gives me so much comfort. I don't need to be fighting always. However, I still need to work hard. I need to try to do all that I can to better my situation. And I need to have faith. That is my goal for the week. Faith and works.

Lazy Eye

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right

And this 'real'
It's impossible if possible
At who's blind word
So clear but so unheard

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this silence all night long
It's just a matter of time

To appear sad
With the same ol' decent lazy eye
Fixed to rest on you
Aim free but so untrue

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Lost and loaded
Still the same ol' decent lazy eye
Straight through your gaze
That's why I said I relate
It's so fun to relate

It's the room the sun and the sky
The room the sun and the sky

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment...

Smile Like You Mean It

I was at the gym today. I rode the exercise bike listening to some classic AFI. Then when I decided I had stressed my knee enough, (I forgot to bring my knee brace again...) I went and did some weights. I followed Derek's lifting routine for chest/pecks. Goodness, it is quite the workout. But the whole time I was gymming I could not get a very simple thought out of my head. I really have not been happy for a while now. I have been depressed, and just existing. Basically just going through the motions of life. And I know that this is something that I have posted before. It is not really a new realization.

I was looking at myself in the mirror while I was lifting, and I could not help but see Josh deep down inside of my reflection. I smiled, but felt like it was a very superficial smile. That fake smile brought back a flood of memories from my past. Old memories, and recent ones alike. I lifted, but my mind was not into it. I watched as these moments flew past in my mind. And I smiled. And my heart smiled. And it was genuine.

I then realized that Morgan (once again...) was right. I was approaching our break with the intentions of fixing it, and proving to her I could do it. I wanted to do it for our relationship. I knew it needed to be for me, but never really understood what that would mean. I think that I do now.

I am sorry if I am being repetitive on things that I have posted before. But writing these things out is far more beneficial for me than you prolly realize.

Back to the gym. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile, and have it be a real smile. ALWAYS! I want to be happy with me again.

There once was a Josh who was carefree. Who lived life to its fullest, and loved it. There was a Josh who would make everyone laugh, and laughed. Who always had a smile on his face. The Josh who knew how to care for others, and live his life at the same time. A Josh who people wanted to be around. Someone who made others feel better about life...just by being himself. He was confident. Positive. Optimistic. Proud of who he was. He didn't rely on others to make him happy. Or relationships to bring him entire happiness, it just happened. Then I realized, I AM THAT JOSH!

I am the Josh who would introduce himself as; The Lord Joshington, The Josh Wright, or The Elder Wright. I am Josh Wright. And I want to be that Josh again. I want to be the person that people don't forget after I walk away. I want to be who I used to be.

I honestly don't think that this will be a very hard adjustment for me. I don't. I know who I am, and I know how I was. And, I know how to be that person again.

Somewhere Out There

For a while now I have been wanting to write a year-in-review blog. One in which I reflect on the positives and negatives of 2010. I thought that it would be beneficial for me to write everything out, but I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

I am beginning to realize that I have kept and dwelt on some of the negative things far too much. And that I have allowed these moments to start to control who I am. And how I perceive life. I don't really like that too much. Life is supposed to be hard and challenging. And I have always liked that. Because I have usually thrived in a challenging atmosphere. But lately, I have allowed these challenges to take a strong hold on me. And drag me down to the depths of misery and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost the things that have mattered most to me in my life. I used to be very spiritual. I prayed. Read my scriptures. I tried to live a life in which I felt a connection to God. I had a desire and love for these things. I can remember what the Spirit felt like. But vaguely. I don't know when I stopped caring and trying for these things. But I did. I did. I consciously threw out the window what once was very important to me; and an integral aspect of who I was. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. I subsist on a day-to-day basis wishing there would be change. That I would change. But never doing anything about it.

I can't help but think that this is probably a main reason as to why I have lost myself. I am sure that there are more.

I have lost material possessions. Stuff that really didn't matter. But at the same time played a big part in the person that I was. I feel like I can trace all these loses back to poor choices on my part. But I don't like to dwell on them.

My heart is broken. It was once full. Okay, it was overfilled. I miss those feelings. I miss that Love. Life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. I wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of my decisions. I can't help but think it would bring about different situation now. It is hard for me to let go. It's hard for me to admit that it is over. That the thing I cherished most in my life is done. I have a hard time looking into the future and seeing me happy. How did I go wrong? Why did I allow myself to be utterly lost in this relationship? I ceased to exist.

Somewhere along the line I subconsciously saw that I was unhappy with my life. But I failed to recognize the reason and source of that unhappiness. Instead, I found an outlet. Something that I could use to mask my feelings. Some one who would make me happy. And I liked it. I soon forgot about my feelings. I soon forgot about my needs. And naturally those feelings and needs became more apparent to other people. But I was stubborn, and would not see them. I continued to mask and hide them. I pushed harder, and was more persistent. I would not admit that I had a problem. I was strong. I was stubborn. I was a liar. I no longer cared for me. I existed only in a physical state. My sole purpose was to live for other people. My life was no longer my life. I had freely given it away. And not in a noble sense. Or even in a way that deserves respect. No, what I did was wrong. There was no honor in it. No reason to be looked up to. I was selfish in being so selfless.

Like I said; life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. What's done, is done. As much as I hate my situation now and wish it were different, I need to embrace it. This is my life. I have to see that. I have to start living again. And living for me. My choices and decisions need to be made with my best interest in mind. It will be hard. I feel like I need to basically retrain myself on how to live again. Days will turn to weeks. And weeks into months. Months into years. Time will continue to move forward. All I can do is hope that I do too.

2010 was a good year. I loved it. There were plenty of rough times. Days when I look back, I wonder how I was able to make it through to the next day? But there were even more great times. Days when I look back, I wish I could relive again. I shared some wonderful memories. Some wonderful times.

2011 has now begun. I am 26 years old. And I am alive. Again.