Saturday, October 29, 2011

Bling (Confession Of A King)

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.