The Adventures of Josh

Momma Sed

2012-01-30T01:30:00.002-06:00

Wake up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
Changes come.
Life will have its way with your pride, son.
Take it like a man.

Hang on, son of mine.
A storm is blowing on the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Listen up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
All about growing pains.
Life will pound away where the light don't shine, son.

Take it like a man.
Suck it up, son of mine.
Thunder blowing up the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road.
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain,
This too shall pass like a kidney stone.
It's just a broken heart, son.
This pain will pass away.

It Begins Tonight

2012-01-01T22:30:00.000-06:00

I have never really been one for New Years Resolutions... But with that said, I have appreciated the chance to evaluate for self improvement. And that is precisely what this is.

A few months back I was browsing on the bodybuilding.com website and found a diet plan/training routine that looked simply amazing. Basically it is a 12 week long very strict diet and exercise plan. You can look it up here, just in case you want some more info about it. Upon seeing that this was for 12 long, grueling weeks I decided that I would wait until the new year to start up. Not necessarily as a new years resolution, but I knew that I would just be setting myself up for failure if I started during the Holiday Season. So it officially begins tomorrow. And I am very excited! Honestly, I have been looking forward to starting this since I discovered it back in November. And I know that I have written many entries about me and losing weight and blah blah blah... But so what. I am excited!

A few days ago I had the idea that I could branch this 12 week transformation off from just a physical improvement to all aspects of my life. So that is what I am going to do. I am very excited to start this. I am ready!

Arise

2011-12-28T03:04:00.003-06:00

So I clamber off
Into a realm
Of what's possible
Give us a look
So we may show
The animal
He wants you to know

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside

Like a fool caught red-handed
To play out as they wish
I'd take a life of raw emotion
Than a life of content till death
Well, at least you'd know
No apologies for starters
Go and seek yourself

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
Listen
You
No sign of life
Watch you save up
To pay no mind
But it's better not to behave
Clever not to be changed by them
Better not to behave
Clever not to be changed

Arise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise
Our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's always almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
This one, this one's almost always
Given, listen to its heartbeat
This one's done

Blanket Of Ghosts

2011-11-20T12:30:00.000-06:00

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old St. Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kissed your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

Final Goodbye

2011-11-15T23:51:00.001-06:00

It's here. I am all packed. The apartment is clean. Derek is on his way. It's all done. And about to be over.

Life is a very interesting thing. I am about to close the door to a part of my life, just to open the door to an unknown future. I have the choice to stand between the two doors and contemplate about what has brought me to this interchange. Or I can take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever comes.

Living in Mankato has been a very good experience for me. I have learned and grown in ways that I never thought I could. I have had dozens of life lessons thrown at me. And I have made some great friends. I have been very fortunate to have lived here, and to have associated with many great people. I really am thankful for all those who have helped me become the better person that I am today.

I will be taking that step towards my future soon. It will be a very hard step to take. But I think each and every step will get easier. I have the great opportunity to apply the things that I have learned with a blank slate. I am very lucky for that. I have great family and friends to support me. In Utah, and in Minnesota.

The other day I was "stumbling", and came across a quote from Dr. Seuss that has really stood out to me lately. He said:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I am trying to remember that. It gets hard sometimes when I get nostalgic, but these memories are part of who I am. And I am very grateful for all of them, and their accompanying adventures! I have had a wonderful life here, and had great friends. I just have to remember that it really isn't "good-bye" at all... Just "see ya later".

Thank you Mankato. I will miss you.

Nobody's Listening

2011-11-15T10:48:00.000-06:00

...Nobody's listening... Well that is what I thought.

I have a habit of singing along to my music when I am home just doing whatever. I seem to do it with every song that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I am a little self conscious of my singing. Some time I am very confident in my voice, other times not so much...

Yesterday I was in the mood for some real singing...and with Morgan being cast as Carlotta in The Phantom of The Opera, I decided that I would sing some Phantom songs. So I am in my room cleaning and packing things up for the move, belting The Point of No Return, when the next thing I know I hear clapping. I look up and see my roommate, Kyle, standing there with a big smile on his face. Apparently he had been there for the full song, and I was too oblivious to notice.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed...

Moving On

2011-11-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

It is kind of a bittersweet feeling... But I have made my decision. I am moving back to Utah.

As you know this has been something that I have been contemplating for quite a while now. I wrestled with the idea during the summer then decided to stay here. But now with the recent changes that have taken place in my life I do feel that leaving Mankato is the best option for me.

This will however, be a very hard thing for me to do.

It is nearing two years since Morgan and I first talked about moving to Minnesota. At that time I didn't give it much thought. I knew that Morgan would go where ever she could get accepted into school for her MFA. And I knew that if I could get a job in that same area, that I would follow her.

Morgan was accepted into Minnesota State University, Mankato. I was hired as a Surgical Tech at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. The beginning of July of last year we found ourselves starting a new life in Minnesota.

I soon lost the job that I was promised, but luckily found a very good job that kept me in Mankato, and near my little family. Not many months after that I lost that family also, and life in Minnesota took a turn.

Now as I am waxing nostalgic I realize that this is the end of an era for me. And that is kinda hard to admit, but even harder to fathom.

I don't know how healthy it would be for me to sit here and write about all the memories that are flooding my brain right now. I will be honest and say that when Morgan and I started dating, the only time that I saw us apart was when I died at age 83. I know that was silly and naive, but truth is I loved her more that any one else that I had ever dated. And was willing to do anything to hold onto her. It turned out that life had a different plan for us.

Morgan is still my best friend. We still talk and text and see each other regularly. And that is something that I love. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are FRIENDS and only friends, but we seem to manage it quite well. Her better than me.

Now as I try to figure out this move, I am realizing that our relationship will never be the same again. Once great friends who became lovers who became friends again... She has her life to live, and I will have mine. And I know that realistically we won't be in each others lives as much as we have been in the past. And that is something that makes me very sad. I will be saying "good-bye" to a part of my life that has meant so so much to me. It will be a very hard thing for me to do. I was never good with good-byes while we were together, and this one will be ever harder. But I know that it is something that I will need to do.

I did say this was a bittersweet feeling... That was the bitter. Now for the sweet.

I have my whole life in front of me again. I do feel that I needed to move to Minnesota with Morgan. There were life lessons that I needed to learn, and I think that they could only have come from the situations that I found myself in while living here. Now I get the chance to apply those lessons. And that is an exciting thought. I have numberless possibilities ahead.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I know that He has a plan for each of us. I know that Morgan was meant to be in my life. I know that we were meant to live and experience the things that we did. I know that moving to Minnesota was something that I needed to do. I am very grateful for the lessons and the experiences that I have had here. I am very grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have Morgan in my life for as long as I did. She is a very wonderful, caring person. She has sacrificed a lot to help me become the better person that I am today. And I do wish her the best in her life. I will always love her for all that she has done for me. She will always have a place in my heart. As well as Haylee.

In October of 2009 I wrote a blog explaining why I title my entries with song names. Today's entry speaks for itself. This really is me moving on. This is me taking the opportunity to live my life, and experience all that I can. This is me getting a chance to start over completely fresh. This is me saying "good-bye" to those I love, and saying "hello" to limitless possibilities. This is me moving on.

Bling (Confession Of A King)

2011-10-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.

Anthology

2011-09-26T00:14:00.001-05:00

Our lives built on tin cans and string
But the cornerstone laid is a wondrous and beautiful thing
Sure in the ground

While the North wind is taking it's toll
You have helped me to find my way back and to anchor my soul
Safe in the sound

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

I bragged of bearing my bones
Said if we heard the howling
I'd run out to face it alone
To meet it half way

But I've still got badges to earn
So keep sifting my soul
Cause I think that I'm starting to learn
To love you that way

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope
Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say
Come what may

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

This Circus

2011-08-05T22:45:00.003-05:00

The more I think about it, the more I think that this blog is aptly named... The Adventures Of Josh. I would now like to share some of my recent adventures with you.

I have been having some really long, long days lately. I started waking up super early (for me its ridiculously early) at 5:30 and doing some cardio at the gym. Which usually means that I am running 3-5 miles in the hour that I am there. Then going straight to work. And working through my breaks, staying late, and dealing with the annoying/problematic patients. And being the last to leave. Then coming home, eating some sorta something for dinner, then going to the gym to do some weight training. Then finally come home again, extremely exhausted from the day. Now I realize that this may be a normal day for some people, but lately for me it has been too much.

On one such occasion I came home from a late night work out at the gym. Mixed me up a protein shake, then sat down on the floor to take my shoes off. Next thing I know it is 7:55 in the morning and I have 5 minutes to get to work! I don't think that I have ever been that tired before. Or slept that well on the floor... Ha! Needless to say, I took a few mornings off.

Last summer when Morgan and I moved to Mankato we were very surprised at the amount of mosquitoes that are here. But we learned quickly to take a garlic pill once a day, and it would help to limit (yes, I did mean limit) the amount of bites we would get. This year, I really wished I woulda remembered that wonderful little supplement. I have become a pin cushion. A very itchy pin cushion.

My ADHD has been getting the best of me again... I have started to redecorate my apartment. It seems that this type of thing happens about every six months or so. I can't help it though...I just get bored of everything staying that same! Can ya blame me?! So I have copied some of the projects that Morgan and I did in the past, and am doing them for me now. Just the Josh version of things. I hope that they turn out alright...

The past few weeks I have been pretty busy directing a show called; Horns. It is a short (10 minute) play for a performance called The Coffee Shop Tales. It has been a lot of fun for me. And good to get my theatre fix in. I took over for Morgan before she went on vacation. I think that the show turned out really well. And I had a lot of fun directing it. Theatre is a talent that I need to use more often.

I NEED A VACATION!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned that FedEx called me outta the blue and offered me a part-time job with them. I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and saw it as a huge answer to all those prayers. Well, a week or so later they have told me that I will not be driving for them. All because of all those problems that I had in Cedar City with those few tickets that I got while driving for FedEx. I am honestly pretty upset about it. Ohk... Very upset by it. What was the whole point of me being offered the job if it wasn't going to work out? I just don't get it. So basically, I am clueless again, and tired of my life being a constant circus.

Give Me One Good Reason

2011-07-28T22:44:00.002-05:00

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!

Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Weigh On My Mind

2011-07-25T17:52:00.002-05:00

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Call Me In The Morning

2011-07-02T21:43:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...

The New Year

2011-06-30T21:53:00.002-05:00

Today marks the year anniversary of a day I'll prolly never forget...

I don't necessarily wanna dwell on the past, or the experiences that occurred that day. But I think it would be worthwhile to tell the full story. Cause I am not sure if I ever have shared it here. So, let me begin. (I did however give a brief narrative here.)

Cedar City, Utah. June 30, 2010. Morgan had been in Provo for a few days now working as a note taker. Which left me and the Haylee in Cedar alone. Before Morgan left we had gone out and experienced as much of Southern Utah as we could. We both knew it would be the last time that we would be together in that area for a while. (Click here!) Haylee and I had the task of finishing the move from Cedar City, Utah to Mankato, Minnesota.

The day started with me waking up early and loading up the moving trailer. I had not eaten any breakfast that morning since our food was in boxes, and I just assumed I could grab something on the journey to up to Springville where I would be spending a few days with my family before we started the long drive to Minnesota. It took about three hours for me to finish packing and loading the U-Haul. I then proceeded to clean up our house as much as possible. The plan was for me to load, then clean, then shampoo the carpets with rented carpet cleaner, then say "good-bye" to Cedar City.

Those plans changed dramatically when around noon I noticed a man pulling up next to my Toyota Tacoma. I went outside to question him, and he told me that he was repossessing my truck. I was shocked to hear this. I had been making my payments to my credit union for the truck, but had not been able to afford the payments on my personal loan, and credit card. So they were taking my truck as collateral for the back payments. I tried everything that I could to fix the situation before the man took off with my truck. But no dice. So I quickly unhooked the U-Haul from the trailer hitch on my Tacoma, and the man left.

I was devastated. Not only was that my one source of transportation, but it was also the means for us to move to Minnesota. I contacted U-Haul and kinda explained the situation, they told me that I could use the money that I spent on the trailer towards renting a 17-foot moving truck. Seeing no other option, I agreed. The problem with that was the truck was 45 miles away.

A few hours later my neighbors came home. I told them the predicament that I was in, and they agreed to take me to Enterprise to get the truck, but it would cost me $45.00 to do so. I was desperate, so I agreed. While loading the trailer onto their Jeep, my neighbor lost his grip on the trailer tongue and the weight of the trailer came crashing down onto my right middle finger, breaking the knuckle and causing it to gush blood. With my left hand I picked the trailer up off my finger and placed it on the hitch. Something that I have no idea just how I really did... With the rush that I was in I didn't have time to properly see to my finger, so I just took care of the bleeding and we began our journey to Enterprise.

After securing the U-Haul truck I began the task of unloading the trailer of all of our belongings to just reload it all into the truck. By this time it was around 5:00 pm, and extremely hot. I still had not eaten anything, and was starting to become quiet exhausted. My neighbors were quick to leave me as soon as we had got into town. So the burden was all on me. I finally finished around 7:30 and began the drive back home to Cedar City.

By the time I got back to Cedar I was famished. I was tired. I was sore. I was angry. I was beat. I cleaned the house and the carpets quickly. Finished loading everything and securing it all. Then Haylee and I said "good-bye" to out home, and started the drive to Springville.

Around 2:30 am the next day I arrived at my parents house. Looking back at that day, I am honestly surprised that I was able to do all that needed to be done. Morgan had been very good to offer help and encouragement for me. But I don't know how I had the strength to handle it all on my own.

A year later I have seen some of the reasons why things happened the way they did that day. I have seen some major blessings that have come from it. And learned some valuable lessons also. It was a day that I don't think that I will ever forget, and a day I hope to never repeat.

Living For Today

2011-06-07T23:40:00.000-05:00

...Sigh...

That's about it.

I am now facing the option of staying in Minnesota or moving back to Utah. There are many contributing factors in this. I will list them in another post. I'm just deep in thought. And sad that my life always has something like this going on...

The Clock Was Tickin'

2011-05-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

The teacher had you write a letter, you were eight years old
About the man that you’d become and the positions you’d hold
But this was long before you and Jackie Geronimo met in the Prelude Park at midnight
Now when it came to bells and whistles, Jackie did not lack
And when she kissed you on the kisser, boy, you kissed her back
Now you tell her that you love her and she cuts you slack
When you drink with your buddies on the weekend

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
You spend your whole life dropping nickels in the bucket, wakin’ up at dawn
And while Jackie bestowed the joys of fingerlickin’
The clock up on the wall was tickin’

You got yourself a job cleaning hospital floors
But Jackie had a baby, then she had five more
They’d pay you just enough to drag your ass to the store
To buy bread, milk and Better Homes & Gardens
Jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams
A cottage in the country built with real wood beams
There’s a baby in the bedroom, he’s starting to scream
She holds him though he probably won’t remember it

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Now the kids are all grateful when they left the nest
And Jackie wasn’t perfect but she did her best
You seize the opportunity to get you some rest
But you can’t sleep on account of screaming grandkids

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
But you can’t quit cause Jackie needs the benefits

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
They say patience is a virtue but the doctor says she don’t have long
You stood up and tried your damndest not to listen
But that clock up on the wall was tickin’

When they told you to clear the room, that’s when it hit you
You watched as the caravan took your sweetheart away
The arguments and fights and money troubles seem so worthless
As the kids throw yellow roses on her grave

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
The house is quiet now and everything inside it seems to know she’s gone
There’s a picture of you both sixteen years old just kissing
And that clock up on the wall was tickin’

You always thought she had a chance and it was somewhere hidden
Now you’ve come to the conclusion that she never did
Not a chance, that is

Retrace

2011-05-16T23:15:00.001-05:00

Ugh…I am exhausted! In the last two and a half weeks I have been in seven states, had seven flights, been in and out of four different times zones, and from sea level elevation to over a mile high. I had way too many restaurant/fast food meals, and not enough sleep. But with that said, I have had a wonderful time!

I am officially a college graduate! FINALLY! While I was in Utah I was able to finish up my internship with Ameritech. It feels nice to be done with that. And they were really good about helping me finish. I am grateful for that. Yay!

I had a good time while I was in Utah. I spent a bunch of time with my family, and friends. I met my nephew, Declan for the first time. He's a good little dude. I call him Captain Stink Pants. I think the name fits him very well! I do love my family. I am grateful for all that they do for me. I am not sure when the next time is that I will see them.

I was able to relax. Fish. Hike. Rock climb. Watch movies. Play video games. BBQ. Play home run derby. Drive a car. Chill. Finish surgeries. Hang out. Play guitar. Jam. And prolly more. It was a good time. But it is good to be home too.

The Story

2011-04-30T22:55:00.002-05:00

Wow. That was quite the adventure.

Let me tell you the story of my adventures this past weekend. On Tuesday night I left Mankato for the airport. I bummed a ride from my home teacher. His car lacked heating and with my shorts and the cold weather we were having it became a cold ride. But I was grateful for the ride. My flight didn't leave until Wednesday morning, so I just figured I could sleep at the airport. Boy was I wrong. There was construction and cleaning and people and nothing that would help a guy like me sleep. It was a long, long night.

When I landed in Boston I had trouble getting a hold of David or Chuckie, so I wasn't exactly sure where I needed to go...but soon figured it out. I fell in love with Boston almost immediately. It is such a beautiful city. I was happy to see the Furse's again. It had been nearly a year since I had. For David's Bachelor Party the three of us went to Providence, Rhode Island and ate at some fancy restaurant and then enjoyed Taking Back Sunday in concert. It was prolly the eighth time I've seen TBS, but it they put on a good show!

The rest of the time that I was there was basically spent in a mini-van with Chuckie. Seriously. We did so much driving around, running errands and picking things up with the wedding and such. Plus the many times that we went back and forth to pick people up from the airport. We had some good conversations during that time. So that was good. I got lost in Downtown Boston once while I was driving on my own. But soon found my way outta there.

Friday was the wedding. The Boston Temple is really beautiful. I was happy for Dave and Lindsey. They seemed very happy too. Here are some photos from it!

I wasn't able to spend too much time with them all. But I was really glad that I could be there to support the Furse's and Lindsey. It was a fun trip!

Right Now

2011-04-26T22:51:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I last blogged. For that I am sorry. It seems that I have a lot to catch up on…

So let me begin.

It has been over two months since I had my bankruptcy hearing. I have not heard anything since then, but my lawyer told me that it could take up to 90 days for the court to clear everything. So I am just waiting patiently. I have been really trying to manage my finances better this time around. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I have in the past. A few days ago I was sitting down making a budget for the next few months, and noticed with the time that I will be taking off to go to Boston and Utah, that I needed some extra cash. So I prayed about where I could get it, and the thought came to me that I should sell my car. I thought long about it. And with the weather starting to warm up a bit, I assumed that I would be fine to just ride the scooter around. So I listed my car on craigslist, and 3 hours later I sold it! I even made a profit of $400 on the car… I think it was an answer to a sincere prayer. But…here is the downside to that. The next day it snowed. And then rained. And has been miserable since. Oh well, I suppose that is what makes life interesting.

School is basically over now. Wahoo! The semester has gone by really fast. I have managed to stay on top of all my courses. I think that I have done well. Who would have known a little effort helps?! I have signed up for some summer classes with SUU, but I am not sure if I will take them or not. I am still waiting to see what MNSU says about my transcripts and such. So I they take me now for the fall semester, then these summer classes with SUU won’t matter. I will need to do some more research into the situation.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I will be taking my X-Ray Certification test this summer. I am excited for it. Then the next thing will be Anesthesia Certification…and from what I have heard, that one is pretty difficult. But I love this job. And love learning about it. So I am not too worried. I know that I have said it before, but I really did luck out on getting this job.

I have been gymming just about every day now. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With the other days being a cardio workout of some kind. I finally feel like I am getting some of my strength back. It feels so good! I really do love to workout. I am running again, and I love it!

I haven’t really heard anything about playing baseball for the Mankato Twins yet. I have been in contact with the coach, but the practices and meetings keep being moved around and such. But I will keep on it. I really wanna play! Me and one of the missionaries in the ward have been playing catch, and hitting some batting practice whenever we can. I have been able to throw, and somewhat pitch without my shoulder hurting. And that is really a beautiful thing!

I will be leaving tomorrow for Boston for David and Lindsey’s wedding. I am excited for them. I haven’t seen either since last summer. And I have never been in Boston before. So It should be a lot of fun. I will try to take lots of pictures and stuff.

After Boston I will be heading to Utah for two weeks! And hopefully be really finished with Ameritech College. I know that I have said that before too. But I only need to do 44 surgeries. That should be an easy accomplishment in two weeks’ time. It has taken far too long to get this all over and done with. I am hoping to finish early and then be able to spend some time with my family and friends. That would be very nice. And maybe sleep in too…

I think that is all that has been going on lately. I am still trying to keep up on my commitment to live the Gospel. I think when I get to Utah I will buy a new set of scriptures. I am reading out of my missionary set right now. Which is great, but I think I am in a different spot of life now than I was as a missionary. And am in need of different lessons and such. Life is progressing well right now. And I am a happy Josh.

...But Home Is Nowhere

2011-04-17T18:02:00.003-05:00

Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun

To understand my, my intimate is no one
When the director sold the show, who bought its last rights
They cut the cast, the music, and the lights

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues
Such revelations while understood by no one
When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace
Please clear this house of ill-aquired taste

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something real

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words, I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this, hurts me

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you that it haunts me
You don't care that it haunts me

Oh
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you

For Reasons Unknown

2011-03-25T22:37:00.000-05:00

Have you ever received an answer to a prayer, and wondered if you really did? Or if it was just a fleeting thought from your own mind? Well, I have. Let me elaborate.

Last summer I was faced with a decision to move to Minnesota. I had a very good job opportunity there, and I was desperate for a job. But moving across the country is a big deal. It meant leaving all my friends and family. And everything familiar to me. And basically starting all over.

I prayed about the move, and felt that it would be a very good thing for me. My parents told me that they did the same thing, and felt the same as me. So, I trusted my gut and moved.

Shortly after making my home in Minnesota the challenges began to set it. The job I moved across the country for fell through. I was unemployed again. And I remember wondering why I felt so good about moving here, if I was going to be unemployed again? Then luckily I found a very good job. And I was blessed.

Things started to work for me again. Then due to mistakes and poor decision-making on my part my life financially really started to fall apart. Worse than ever before. Then what started as a "break" between me and Morgan eventually led to a break-up. And I hit that downward spiral with all the force of my being.

Life literally fell apart for me. The only stability I had was in my job. I would wake up feeling depressed and terrible. And that would persist through my day, and onto my nights. I was miserable. I felt like I had lost everything in my life that made me who I was. And lost the love of my life. The only solace I had was in hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Deep down inside of me I wanted to change. I wasn't happy with the person that I had become. Eventually I started to put the pieces of my life back together. It was a slow, painful process. It still is. I was finally having to start over.

Time past, and wounds began to heal. I still had a very hard time accepting what had happened. It was surreal to me. I kept fighting, and wanting to change the past. And force the future. But I soon realized that it was a futile fight. And the only thing that it was doing was hurting me more. I really needed to sit down and evaluate what I was doing, and what I wanted. What it was that was the most important to me.

About this point I really began to wonder why I was here. Why would the Lord prompt me to move across the country if I was only to suffer? It made no sense to me. I had had some good times in Minnesota, but was it really only about that? I had a good job here, but surely I could have moved back to Utah and found a job there too. Maybe if I would have done that Morgan and I would have still been together? Maybe life wouldn't have fallen apart on me like it had? I was frustrated. I was angry. I had put my trust in a Being that didn't really seem to care for me. Like I thought He did.

I found myself being angry at pretty much everything. But most of the anger was directed to God. I tried to put on a good face when I was working. I smiled a life-less smile to Morgan. Church and prayer became pointless to me. Anger and frustration were the only feelings present at those moments. Scripture study was useless. I was done. I was ready to give up and move on with my life without God. As far as I was concerned He really didn't care for me. So why should I care for him?

I really began to wonder what the point of all this had been. Why did I have to suffer so much? Why couldn't I just be happy like I once was? Why was so much of who I was tied up in feelings that were now just one sided? Why when I needed God the most did He seem to leave me? Why had I devoted so much of my life to something that left me feeling so alone? It no longer mattered to me. I was ready to walk away for good.

Then, just when I thought things were hopeless I was slapped in the face by the epiphatree.

In a matter a few days my life has changed. That first change was the wake-up call I got from Dr Kim last week. (For more on this subject, click here!) The second literally has been life changing.

When I was a zone leader on my mission I remember teaching my missionaries that they could "bind the Lord" to a specific blessing. That was if they did all that they could do, and were obedient to the mission rules and to the gospel. A few days ago that memory came back to me. As well as the thought that I could apply this same principle in my life right now. That if I went to the Lord with a specific blessing in mind, and did all that I could do accomplish it myself, that He would be bound to bless me with what I need.

I pondered on this for a few hours. I decided that my life was worth it. So I went to the Lord in prayer and told him that I would be completely obedient to His commandments and the gospel as I know it, and in return He would give me my life back.

As I said, this has been life changing. I feel like I have a new light inside of me. My soul feels alive again. I am feeling confident and optimistic. Hopeful for the first time in months.

Looking back now... Maybe this is why I felt prompted to move to Minnesota. I was talking to a close friend about all this. He asked me if I were back in Utah if I thought I would have gained these new insights into my life? I thought about his question for a few moments and told him I doubt that these insights would have come at all. Even if I would have had all the struggles in Utah as I have had here recently, I would of had my family and friends to really help me through them. But being here, I have had to rely on myself. My family and friends have helped me a lot, but the majority of it has come from me.

It has been a rough road. But I think these were the lessons that I needed to learn. I needed to realize that my goals and life aspirations are up to me. I can no longer sit idly by and hope that they will happen on their own. I also realized that I do need God in my life. I am a strong, stubborn person, but I am ultimately helpless without His help. I know that now.

Life is interesting. It's hard, and it is a challenge. But I love it. I am excited for the life and the experiences that are in store for me now. And grateful for the help that has brought me to this point.

Float On

2011-03-15T17:51:00.002-05:00

So I have been listening to Modest Mouse a lot more recently. That would explain why my last post is titled as it is. However, today's post could not be more accurately named. And it is 100% true.

Let me tell you a story.

Five years ago (plus one week), a young man came off of an airplane. He had goals, and aspirations. He wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he knew he could do it. He had just spent the previous two years as a missionary for his church in San Francisco California. He learned a lot about life while living there. Many positive things, and many negative things. Lessons that he knew would stick with him for the remainder of his life.

This 21-year old man was extremely talented in many of lives pursuits. He was very smart. Very confident. And was very capable to excel in anything that he tried. Be it; academics, athletics, or just life in general. Hardly ever in his life had he really ever needed to try to succeed. Things just came natural for him. And he realized that.

Soon though his life started to fill up with new activities. And he began to forget many of those lessons that he swore he wouldn't ever forget. He soon realized (like all returned missionaries) that life can be hectic. And is not nearly as simple as it once was. He became lazy. Rather than trying to excel and be the best at whatever he tried, he settled for mediocre. He knew that all he really needed to do what apply minimal effort, and he would be able to get by. So he did.

Life kept changing for him. He had many opportunities to grow, and become a better man. But he choose the easier option. He had convinced himself that he didn't need to try hard and excel or learn. But instead all he needed to do was to show up. And he would be just fine. He missed out on those opportunities.

Today, he is in Minnesota. And he has different goals and different aspirations than he did five years ago. Ultimately with the same end result, but through a different path. Up until this moment he never really gave them much thought. He knew that he would have to work. And try to accomplish these things. But not really try. He knew that they would not just fall into his lap, but why put forth all the effort if he doesn't have to?

But that is just it. He realized today that he can be successful. And he can live life the way he is right now. And he will just continue to float on like he has been the past five years. And those goals that he had would be nothing more than a faded dream. Long since forgotten and out of reach.

Or, he can try. He can realize that these things that he is hoping to accomplish are going to be a challenge. And they will be hard. And the only way that he can reach these goals is if he puts forth the necessary effort. But not just the necessary effort. He needs to be the best. The best that he can be. And that means doing more than he is used to. That means stretching himself. And pushing himself to be the best. Otherwise, he will never accomplish them.

There have been many realizations that have come to me in my life. But I can honestly say that none of them have come with more power, and more emphasis than this one did today. I realized that I have not really tried with anything for a long, long time. I have done what little I needed to do to get by. And it has worked. And it has cost me more than I can imagine. I have a wonderful ability to learn, and excel in things so easily. What is a challenge to most people, is an easy accomplishment for me. I have had chances and opportunities for huge personal growth, but I have chosen the easier way. This has applied with pretty much everything in my life. School, work, relationships, activities...you name it. And I am ashamed with myself. Ashamed.

I did not write this post to brag, or to build myself up. I have no need to do either. I wrote it to share with you what I just learned. I am not proud of the way I have been coasting through life. Who knows what those decisions have cost me? Who knows where I would be today if I would have just applied the effort that comes so easily to me? But I do know what I want for me today. And what I want for me tomorrow. And the next day. I am the only one who can make it happen. And if I really want to accomplish my goals, then I will find a way to do it. I won't look for the easy way out. Or the excuse that fits my needs. I won't rationalize my way to get what I want.

This is my life. I have the chance to do whatever it is I want. But wants and goals aren't enough to accomplish this. It takes effort. And it takes work. And it takes me.

Parting Of The Sensory

2011-03-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

"Lousy Smarch weather"... I have never really been one to complain about the weather. I love the hot, sweaty days. I love the rainy days. I love the snowing, freezing-your-bum off days. And everything in between. But, I am ready for Spring. I want to go exploring. And hiking. And fishing. And being out enjoying Minnesota. Someday I suppose...

There really hasn't been much new going on in my life recently. But I thought I would kinda post a general update on things. So I am. I will try to hit all the main topics going on in my life as of now.

I started a new weight training program at my gym this week. I gotta say, I haven't pushed myself this hard in a long, long time. And it feels so good! Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday as my cardio days. After just a week of this, my knees and shoulders are finally starting to feel like they are getting strong again. I am anxious to see some more progress! I feel like this is a good strategy and plan for me.

School is going well. I am actually surprised at myself... I forgot how well I can do in my studies, if I just apply some effort! However, I do currently have a D- in one class. My elearning site (SUU's online portal) was down for about a week, and caused me to miss a pretty big test and assignment in one class. And as such my grade went from an A to an F. I am working on bringing it back up. In time. It is an easier semester than some of my previous ones, but I do need to re-develop my study habits. And I think that I am. And that makes me happy!

Work has been long lately. Long and tiring. I still really enjoy my job. I like the people that I work with. We have been hanging out a lot more recently. It is the usual places; BDub's (Buffalo Wild Wings, or the sushi place, or Pagliai's. It is fun to go and just hang out again. It has been such a long time since I have. It's nice to have friends. I really don't know why I ever tried to convince myself (and others) that I didn't need them. I am a social person, and somehow forgot that.

The missionaries have been coming over quite a bit recently too. I told them once that they were welcome whenever, and they have taken that literally. I am still trying to find my spirituality again. I feel like I am kinda on a plateau right now. Just stuck.

I haven't heard anything from my bankruptcy attorney since the meeting with my creditors a few weeks ago. I suppose that is a good thing... I am slightly worried that they will come back with something. I dunno what though. I just want to get it all finished. So I can officially move on.

Morgan went away for Spring Break this week. So I have the pleasure to watch the Haylee. I love this dog. Morgan told me once that Haylee has the ability to convert people to dogs. I didn't believe her at the time. But it is true. She really is amazing. We have been going on walks everyday. And playing and such. It is nice having her in my little apartment. Every time that I see another dog, it makes me appreciate Haylee even more.

Life is starting to be ohk again. I know what is missing, and I am alright with it right now. I think that for a long, LONG time I have just been stubborn and fight to have my way. A trait that can be admirable, but a trait that makes some things very hard. So I am just taking a big step back, and trusting that things will work out. One way or the other. And realizing that me fighting may not be the best thing for it. My feelings haven't changed, but I am. Changing for the better.

I forgot what it is like to be busy! Sometimes I look back and wonder just how Morgan was able to do all that she did. My schedule is no where near as busy as hers is, or was. Yet I find myself not having enough time in each day to get what I need done. I feel bad for not understanding that before. I have started my night dance classes. I will be modest when I say this, I am the best student in the class! So far we have learned the Tango, the Foxtrot, and a Waltz. I am enjoying it. I thought that maybe it would be a good chance to meet girls near my age...but I was wrong. My dance partner is some 55 year old woman. But it is alright. I am learning. And having fun while doing it. My Spanish class is going well too. I am amazed at how quickly the language is coming back to me. It has been 5 years since I last spoke it. And I forgot most of it. But so far, just two weeks into class, I am having conversations again. It is a good feeling. I auditioned for a musical this week. The Fantasticks. It was prolly the best that I have ever auditioned before. The director and musical director told me they were very impressed...after they found out that I will be outta town when the show opens. Oh well. I am glad to know that I still have that talent. They told me to make sure that I audition for their next show. Whenever that will be...

I found out that Ameritech has a site for me to finish up my internship with them. I will be working at the Orem Community Hospital from May 2 - May 13. It will be nice to FINALLY get that outta the way. I realize that it has been my problem, and I should have finished it a long time ago. But again, lets remember my sentence about my stubbornness...

I think that is all... Life is going well.

One Day

2011-03-02T22:01:00.002-06:00

I don't want this post to seem like I am beating down on myself. No, please take it the other way. With that said, let me begin.

One day, I will be proud of the way I look. I see pictures of me and see a much thinner Josh. And I can't cite many reasons/excuses why I think I have chunked out. But I decided today to take a different outlook.

I was at the gym running my first mile in months (yes, my knee is very sore. I have ice on it as I type this), and I was thinking to myself. I have gained quite a bit of weight in the past two + years. I have tried several diets, and quick solutions...but none have really worked out for me. I know that I am by no means a chunk-a-lunk. And I know that I still look good. But I am not happy with the current situation of my pant or belly size.

So tonight I propose something a little different. Starting tomorrow I am gonna record everything that I eat, and hold myself accountable for it. I don't think that I eat junk food. Fast food makes me ridiculously sick, so I have never really eaten much of that. But I am sure that I can find areas to improve. At the same time I know myself. I know that I will start this, then get bored of it cause of my terrible attention span. So I am gonna allow you to hold me accountable too.

I have created a new blog for me to record what I eat. I do not expect you to check it on a daily basis, and text me asking why I drank a coke...but I think that making it public just may in fact help to keep me working towards my goal. And I realize that in order for that to work, then I need to be completely honest about it. Which I plan on being.

I think that I will also include what I did as far as exercise too. Might as well make it a daily journal of calorie intake, and outtake.

You can check it out, here!

Punk Rock Song

2011-02-28T22:44:00.004-06:00

Ha! So maybe the title isn't all that applicable, but it leads me to think of the same things anyways.

Prolly two years ago my eyes were caught by a simply amazing skateboard. But I knew that I really didn't have the money to spend on it, so I just kept it in my memories. Today, after I received my tax return, I decided it was time to make the purchase. And let me tell ya, I am happy I did. Here it is:

It is all custom built by me, and it rides so beautifully! Ahhhh! I love it. It is the only purchase that I will be making will my tax return, so I am pleased that it was worth it. I also blogged about it on my goal blog. You can catch up on that one by clicking here!

Everyday Combat

2011-02-23T17:59:00.002-06:00

Today was a very eventful day. Allow me to explain.

I've had the flu for a week now, and it has kept me up just about every night. Regardless if I take anything to help me sleep or not. It has been quite miserable. But I finally slept last night. And I did not wanna get outta bed. But I needed to. For you see I had an appointment to see a dermatologist to get some spots looked at on my back and chest. Morgan first noticed the spots in September, and it has taken this long for me to be able to get in to see the Dr. I really had no idea what they could be, so I was a little shocked when the Dr told me that I have skin cancer. Actinic Keratosis to be exact. She said that since both of my parents have had skin cancer at one point, and I have darker skin that I was predisposed to get it. Good news, right? Oh well, she said that this is the least of all the skin cancers, and that it is fairly easy to treat. She is having me start some medication, and a topical cream. And then go back in a month, and see how things look then. She also said that this type of skin cancer does not metastasize, and there is no chance that it would ever reach my lymph system of anything, So I guess if I am gonna get a cancer, I lucked out and good one that is easy to deal with. So much for me having beautiful skin... Ha!

After I left the Dr I drove off to downtown Mankato and had my bankruptcy court meeting with my creditors. I sat there for prolly an hour before my case was called. I was the best dressed of all the people there...I forgot how good I looked in a suit and tie. None of my creditors came, so my case was with my attorney and trustee. He asked me several questions about my financial history. It was probably the easiest court appearance I have had in my vast experience. Afterward my attorney told me that I did really well. And that he had all that he needed from me. That in about 60 days I would receive a notice stating my bankruptcy case is finished, and all my debts are gone. It is a big relief. I should have done this a long time ago.

I am lucky to be able to start all over again with a clean slate. I am very grateful for this opportunity. Now is the test though. The test to see if I have actually learned from my mistakes. And that I don't fall back into the same problems that I had before. I hope that is the case. I think it will be.

When I Come Around

2011-02-12T23:19:00.000-06:00

About a year ago I had a photography assignment where I needed to capture "me" in one self-portrait. This was a hard task for me. Cause I think I am such a varied person, and I didn't know how I could show all the facets of who I am in one picture. I thought on the task for quite a while, then came up with an idea to ask all my family and friends to use one adjective to describe how they see me. There is a good chance that you got that text message.

Now a year later I am looking at that list and wonder how many of those adjectives still describe me. And who I am now. I think that the majority of them are still there, and still apply to me...but I would have to add a few to that list now. Struggling. Depressed. Sad. Remorseful. Discouraged. Those are just a few that I can think of. But looking at the list of how you described me, those adjectives should not be there. Why should I let the current circumstances determine who I am?

Yeah, Morgan was a huge part of who I was. But just because we are no longer together, does not mean that I can not be who I was. It does not mean that I need to adopt these new characteristics. Like depression. Or Remorse. Traits that won't do me any good to have. I think that I have held on to my feelings of sadness for so long, that I am at risk making them become a permanent part of who I am...rather than just emotions and fleeting feelings.

So...(deep breath)... They are gone. I have let go of them.

I am Josh Wright, and I am; Caring. Jovial. Strong. Talented. Jolly. Innocent. Goofy. Laid-back. Outstanding. Chill. Gentle. Sincere. Determined. Hardworking. Bright. Crazy-awesome. Friendly. Gnarly. Funny. Engaging. Tenacious. Charming. Joker. Amazing. Breathtaking. Clever. Ostentatious. A schemer. Ambitious. Cultured. Boundless. Genuine. Outgoing. Funny. Easy-going. Witty. Optimistic. Loyal. Loving.

What's done is done. I need to accept that fact. I need to move on with my life, as much as that hurts me. And as much as I don't want to. How am I ever supposed to heal, if I keep opening my wounds? How am I ever supposed to be me again, if I don't start acting like, me? I love Morgan. I love the time that we had together. She did so many wonderful things for me. Sadly, those times are over. I will always love her. And she will always have a special place in my heart. I would love for us to come back together in the future. It would be a dream come true.

But this is my time. My time to be selfish, and live life for me. Time for the Josh that you all know, to be Josh again. Time to take up those characteristics that you said described me as. In the words of a modern-day prophet: "It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place that here? What better time than now?"

A Stick, a Carrot & String

2011-02-09T20:46:00.005-06:00

For my birthday Seth and Marissa gave me a vinyl recording of Dustin Kensrue's Christmas album This good Night Is Still Everywhere. It was a very cool gift. And something that I had previously asked for. But forgotten about. There were two reasons why I thought it would make a good gift. 1. It is a vinyl recording of a great album! 2. Dustin released two new songs on it. And I wanted to hear them.

Since I do not own a record player, I had no way of hearing those two new tunes. So I bought the songs on iTunes. I listened to them, and liked them. But only recently really started to like one of them. A little song called 'A Stick, a Carrot & String'. This is it.

Yeah. Amazing. However I will admit, it is hard to understand the lyrics. So I suggest listening to the song again, while reading them. Here they are:

The horse's hay beneath His head
Our Lord was born to a manger bed
That all whose wells run dry
Could drink of His supply

To keep Him warm, the sheep drew near
So grateful for His coming here
Come with news of grace
Come to take my place

The donkey whispered in His ear
"Child, in 30-some-odd years
You'll ride someone who looks like me
Untriumphantly"

The cardinals warbled a joyful song
He'll make right what man made wrong
Bringing low the hills
That the valleys might be filled

Then "Child", asked the birds
"Well, aren't they lovely words we sing?"
The tiny baby layed there
Without saying anything

At a distance stood a mangy goat
With the crooked teeth and a matted coat
Weary eyes and worn
Chipped and twisted horns

Thinking "maybe I'll make friends someday
With the cows and the hens in the rambouillet
But for now, I'll keep away
I've got nothing smart to say"

There's a sign on the barn
In the cabbage town
"When the rain picks up
And the sun goes down
Sinners, come inside
With no money, come and buy
No clever talk, nor a gift to bring
Requires our lowly, lovely king
Come now empty handed, you don't need anything"

And the night was cool
And clear as glass
With the sneaking snake in the garden grass
Deep cried out to deep
The disciples fast asleep

And the snake perked up
When he heard You ask
"If you're willing that
This cup might pass
We could find our way back home
Maybe start a family all our own"

"But does not the Father guide the Son?
Not My will, but Yours be done.
What else here to do?
What else Me, but You?"

And the snake who'd held the world
A stick, a carrot and a string
Was crushed beneath the foot
Of Your not wanting anything

I like it. I realize that it is meant as a Christmas song. But oh well. Enjoy!

Reckless Abandon

2011-02-04T00:18:00.000-06:00

Life is an adventure. I think that God designed it as such. And for me, it is quite the adventure.

Today started off like any other Thursday...with a few exceptions. Mainly the fact that I woke up at 8:30 and didn't worry about rushing off to work. No, I had the day off. And had a full day of skiing at Mt. Kato planned. So after eating a satisfying breakfast of oatmeal I loaded my tiny car to the brim with my skies and accessories. It being the first time in about a year since my last skiing outing.

I may need to remind you that I had another knee surgery about 1 1/2 months ago. And I didn't really have clearance from my doctor to go skiing yet...but the craving was too much to not take advantage of it. :-) So I wore my knee brace, and planned on being extremely cautious. As much as I thought that would kill me.

Mt. Kato turned out to be fun. But needless to say, a bit dull. Honestly, I was laughing to myself pretty much the full day. (Now thinking about it, I prolly looked like I had just escaped from a mental institution the way I was laughing...) Oh well. I took their version of a Black Diamond run, and skied it in only 7 seconds. That was without really trying. Just skiing. In about a half-hour I had skied the entire mountain. And if you took that Mt Kato link above, then you know that it not a hard thing to comprehend. I went by myself, but kinda made a ski buddy with some snowboarder from Northern Minnesota. We skied for a good number of hours. It was fun to get outta my boring apartment, and do what I love to do. And I can say that I skied safely without injuring (or re-injuring) myself.

On my way home from skiing I stopped at my lawyers office to drop off some papers to him. Walking back to my car I slipped on some nasty ice/slush and landed really awkwardly. I tried to cushion my fall and protect my knee. But ended up dislocating my left shoulder. Along with getting some bad bruises up and down my leg.

This being about the 15th time something like this has happened, I went home and tried to put it back in myself. Four hours later I realized it wasn't gonna happen. So I took off to the emergency room to have them do it. 1 1/2 hours later the doctor was able to get my shoulder back into place. Everyone there was surprised that I didn't want to be put to sleep for it. And that I handled the pain so well.

Sigh... So after being so careful and cautious skiing, I slip in a parking lot and end up in the emergency room. This is why I say my life is an adventure. It makes me think that God really does have a sense of humor. And that He is up there just laughing at all my misadventures. I hope that I am putting on a good show for Him!

Imagine

2011-01-30T22:37:00.004-06:00

Today I had a great idea. Back in July Morgan showed me a website called etsy.com. Basically an eBay type of site that allows members to sell their own art work, or crafts or whatever.

So today the idea struck me to sell my art work on it. But more specifically my paintings and skateboards. It is something that I love to do, so why not make some money off them too?!

I painted a skateboard today. It was my first, and done with oil paint so not the greatest. I am thinking for the skateboard decks I will need to get some acrylic paint. But here it is.

You are welcome to check it out if you'd like. Here!

In Exile

2011-01-30T11:06:00.002-06:00

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day we'll see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I wont rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived
Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

2011-01-28T01:14:00.003-06:00

I really don't know what I wanna write tonight. I just know that I feel like I need to.

I don't think that I have been too honest lately. I think that I have been trying to put on a facade. And act like I am doing better than I actually am. But to be brutally honest, I am not okay. I haven't been for quite some time now.

I would say a year ago Morgan told me that she thought I was depressed. I disregarded it. Me, the Josh Wright, how could I be depressed?! I was though. I was living vicariously through Morgan. And through other people. So naturally, I was depressed. Denying me to live my life automatically forced that depression on. This isn't something new. I have discussed it in depth in previous posts. I am just trying to build up some background. (I think anyways...)

Since Morgan and I broke up I have been trying to heal. And trying to get my life back in order. I have needed to for a long time now. I think that Morgan stepping out was a wonderful display of her love for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. She is right. I need this "Josh time". It is nice to know that I can focus entirely on me. And I like to think that I have been making some great progress. (See my last post for more details on that.)

But at the same time I absolutely HATE this. I know that I hurt Morgan with my stupid financial junk. I am trying to forgive myself. I hate that I have driven her away. And that my poor money managing skills, and poor life management drove her out of my life. I found someone who I loved. Who I would go to the ends of the world with. Someone who made me genuinely happy. I never ever anticipated us ever breaking up. I thought we would grow old together. And I looked forward to that.

I miss her so much though. I love her with all of my heart, and soul. I want nothing more than for me to get my life back in order, and for her to be by my side again. I know that I am supposed to be focusing on me. And I have been. Honestly. But I can not let go of what we had. And I can't not wish for that again. It is something that I think about everyday.

That is what I mean when I say that I am not okay. Morgan is dating another guy now. And I'll be honest, the first time I saw him I wanted to do something terrible to him. I don't know him, but I can't stand him. I have asked a few girls out, but with no luck yet. I am trying to heal. And trying to move on as much as it kills me. But I love her. And I want her. I want another chance with her. I loved "being a family".

I can't go on with this charade anymore either. I want her to love me the way that she did. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms. And tell her "I love you". I want to kiss her. And hold her. And feel at piece with her. I realize that this isn't all me either. That there are things that Morgan needs to work out in her life.

I don't know why I am in a rush to get things back to normal. If things ever get back to normal. But I feel like I am making progress. And I feel like I am headed in a good direction to get my life straightened out. I think it all comes down to a simple fact; I was happy with her. Extremely happy. And I want that again.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I wish I did. I want Morgan to see me, and see the Josh that she fell in love with. I want her to want to be with me again. She is an amazing person. She is wonderful, and caring. She is hardworking and motivated. She is stunningly beautiful. She is an angel. She was my angel.

I know that life will work itself out. I don't doubt that. I believe that there is a Dude above who has a plan for us all. I am trying to trust His plan. I have tried to force my way too long. And I believe it has accounted for some of my mess right now. I am trying to be happy. Trying to live life again.

There. I am now completely vulnerable. Judge me for how you will. But I am being honest. With myself, with God, and with you.

Morgan, I love you. I will always love you.

This Life

2011-01-22T23:00:00.003-06:00

It has been a while since I last posted anything. So perhaps it is time.

Things have been different lately. School has started up again. I only have 12 credits this semester. Much easier to handle than the 21 of last semester. And I have actually been doing really well with keeping up with my work. Two weeks in, and haven't fallen behind yet! I have been feeling really good about it. I want to get into good habits with school. And not procrastinate things like I always have done in the past.

Work has been going well too. I had the flu for about a week and a half. And missed a few days of work. I am finally over it. It was nasty, that's for sure. We had one of our assistants retire over the Christmas break, and so we have been busier than we used to be. But that is alright, I really don't mind the slightest. I have really enjoyed this job. Dr Marlow is fun to work with. And is really good about teaching, and explaining things. It is nice to be paid to train in the career that I wanna do! I have some good co-workers too. They make the job fun. And we work well together. I really am happy with it. I feel like I lucked out in getting this job.

I have been meeting with the missionaries quite a bit lately. We're not really doing much more than chatting, but it has been nice to have the company. I have really been trying to rediscover my spirituality lately. I have been reading the Book Of Mormon in the morning over my cereal. And then I started the Doctrine and Covenants to read in bed. I have been really trying to make my prayers meaningful too. I just think that it is a key thing for me to discover myself again. I know it will take some time though.

I have non-officially become the designated driver for my friends whenever we go out. Which has been happening more regularly now. I don't mind drinking my Coca-Cola Classic while they get wasted. Haha! And it is nice to know that I have friends who respect me for not drinking, and who don't try to pressure or suade me to drink. My wallet likes it a lot better too. My $5.00 bill for a few cokes is much better than their $35.00 for alcohol...

My bankruptcy has officially been filed. I am awaiting my court date, I guess it will happen within the next 30 days. Then about 45-60 days after that, it will all be finished. I am glad that I shopped around for lawyers too. Mine seems to be really good, and is very personable. I am comfortable with him and his team. I have been trying to live according to a budget. It gets difficult at times. But it is something that I really need to do. It is a good feeling to know that I can pay my bills, and not have to stress over where I am gonna get the money. Granted, it has only been a few weeks, but it is a relief none-the-less. I have been applying for a second job too. I got hired at a movie theater a few weeks back. But whenever I would call to speak with the manager for details he "wasn't in". And after a week and a half of trying, I decided that if he can't show me the decency of returning a phone call, then I am done with it. I think that another job would be really good for me too. Just give me more cushion financially.

I signed up for some community education classes. I am excited for them to start. I am taking a ballroom dance class. Morgan has tried to teach me before, but unsuccessfully. I guess I shouldn't say that. I learned a little bit, but was terrible at it. I would love to learn to dance though. I think it is a good skill to know. I am also taking a Spanish class. It is an intro class, but it has been over 5 years since I spoke it on a regular basis, and have forgotten most of it. So I am excited to re-learn it. And anxious to see if I still have those language skills that I had as a missionary. You know, the ability to speak near-fluently after 2 days... I am taking a piano class too. It was my "hey, I should do this" class. Ha! It is just a one time thing. Where they just teach chords, and structure. So it sounds perfect for me. I am excited. They don't start for another month though.

I am still meeting with my therapist. I think that it is really helping. I am amazed how quickly the hour goes by, and how much I can talk... It is just nice to have a non-biased person to talk things through with. I haven't really ever gone in with a specific topic to talk about, but always end up finding something. Honestly, I think that it is something everyone could use. Not just the crazies like me. :-)

I really love Morgan. So very much. There are times and moments when I miss her so much. And when I miss having her in my life. I think that I am healing, but it is a constant struggle for me. She is so wonderful. She makes me feel alive. Both body and soul. I know that this break up is a good thing for me. I think I have needed this time for a while now. I definitely needed to get my life back in order. It fell apart. I think that it is being rebuilt again. I have a slow contractor though, and he sure is taking his time on the rebuild. But that is ohk. It just allows me to work out my problems and my issues fully.

Life is interesting to say the least. I am 100% confident that I will be able to get things back in order. But not just back in order, but better than they were before. I don't want to look back at this time in the future, and wish that I had tried harder. Or done things different. This is my time. This is my life. And I want it to be the best that it can possibly be. And that is totally and completely dependent on me. If I want success in my life, then I need to make success. If I want happiness, then I need to make happiness. I can't rely on those around me and my loved ones to provide that for me. They can be instrumental in it; but ultimately it depends on me.

I never meant to write another novel, just seems to happen. My apologies.

Little Things

2011-01-10T00:14:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I forget how simple things can be.

I am the type of person who has to understand things. I do it with practically every situation I have ever been in. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be when applied to all aspects of my life. Especially spiritually.

Ether 12:27 states: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I read over that verse last night several times. And I have read over it several times today. For a long time now my faith has been in what I can explain. What makes logical sense to me. And that is not what faith is.

I need to start to look at things from an eternal perspective. God is in control. I have fought that long enough. His grace is sufficient. He can make my weaknesses become my strengths. If I humble myself, and exert my faith. I don't need to understand. I don't need to see the full picture. Instead, I can be reassured that I will be okay. That my life will work itself out. As long as I do what I need to do, and through my faith God's grace will make up for the rest.

That simple verse gives me so much comfort. I don't need to be fighting always. However, I still need to work hard. I need to try to do all that I can to better my situation. And I need to have faith. That is my goal for the week. Faith and works.

Lazy Eye

2011-01-08T23:54:00.002-06:00

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right

And this 'real'
It's impossible if possible
At who's blind word
So clear but so unheard

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this silence all night long
It's just a matter of time

To appear sad
With the same ol' decent lazy eye
Fixed to rest on you
Aim free but so untrue

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Lost and loaded
Still the same ol' decent lazy eye
Straight through your gaze
That's why I said I relate
It's so fun to relate

It's the room the sun and the sky
The room the sun and the sky

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment...

Smile Like You Mean It

2011-01-03T22:51:00.003-06:00

I was at the gym today. I rode the exercise bike listening to some classic AFI. Then when I decided I had stressed my knee enough, (I forgot to bring my knee brace again...) I went and did some weights. I followed Derek's lifting routine for chest/pecks. Goodness, it is quite the workout. But the whole time I was gymming I could not get a very simple thought out of my head. I really have not been happy for a while now. I have been depressed, and just existing. Basically just going through the motions of life. And I know that this is something that I have posted before. It is not really a new realization.

I was looking at myself in the mirror while I was lifting, and I could not help but see Josh deep down inside of my reflection. I smiled, but felt like it was a very superficial smile. That fake smile brought back a flood of memories from my past. Old memories, and recent ones alike. I lifted, but my mind was not into it. I watched as these moments flew past in my mind. And I smiled. And my heart smiled. And it was genuine.

I then realized that Morgan (once again...) was right. I was approaching our break with the intentions of fixing it, and proving to her I could do it. I wanted to do it for our relationship. I knew it needed to be for me, but never really understood what that would mean. I think that I do now.

I am sorry if I am being repetitive on things that I have posted before. But writing these things out is far more beneficial for me than you prolly realize.

Back to the gym. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile, and have it be a real smile. ALWAYS! I want to be happy with me again.

There once was a Josh who was carefree. Who lived life to its fullest, and loved it. There was a Josh who would make everyone laugh, and laughed. Who always had a smile on his face. The Josh who knew how to care for others, and live his life at the same time. A Josh who people wanted to be around. Someone who made others feel better about life...just by being himself. He was confident. Positive. Optimistic. Proud of who he was. He didn't rely on others to make him happy. Or relationships to bring him entire happiness, it just happened. Then I realized, I AM THAT JOSH!

I am the Josh who would introduce himself as; The Lord Joshington, The Josh Wright, or The Elder Wright. I am Josh Wright. And I want to be that Josh again. I want to be the person that people don't forget after I walk away. I want to be who I used to be.

I honestly don't think that this will be a very hard adjustment for me. I don't. I know who I am, and I know how I was. And, I know how to be that person again.

Somewhere Out There

2011-01-01T04:09:00.000-06:00

For a while now I have been wanting to write a year-in-review blog. One in which I reflect on the positives and negatives of 2010. I thought that it would be beneficial for me to write everything out, but I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

I am beginning to realize that I have kept and dwelt on some of the negative things far too much. And that I have allowed these moments to start to control who I am. And how I perceive life. I don't really like that too much. Life is supposed to be hard and challenging. And I have always liked that. Because I have usually thrived in a challenging atmosphere. But lately, I have allowed these challenges to take a strong hold on me. And drag me down to the depths of misery and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost the things that have mattered most to me in my life. I used to be very spiritual. I prayed. Read my scriptures. I tried to live a life in which I felt a connection to God. I had a desire and love for these things. I can remember what the Spirit felt like. But vaguely. I don't know when I stopped caring and trying for these things. But I did. I did. I consciously threw out the window what once was very important to me; and an integral aspect of who I was. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. I subsist on a day-to-day basis wishing there would be change. That I would change. But never doing anything about it.

I can't help but think that this is probably a main reason as to why I have lost myself. I am sure that there are more.

I have lost material possessions. Stuff that really didn't matter. But at the same time played a big part in the person that I was. I feel like I can trace all these loses back to poor choices on my part. But I don't like to dwell on them.

My heart is broken. It was once full. Okay, it was overfilled. I miss those feelings. I miss that Love. Life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. I wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of my decisions. I can't help but think it would bring about different situation now. It is hard for me to let go. It's hard for me to admit that it is over. That the thing I cherished most in my life is done. I have a hard time looking into the future and seeing me happy. How did I go wrong? Why did I allow myself to be utterly lost in this relationship? I ceased to exist.

Somewhere along the line I subconsciously saw that I was unhappy with my life. But I failed to recognize the reason and source of that unhappiness. Instead, I found an outlet. Something that I could use to mask my feelings. Some one who would make me happy. And I liked it. I soon forgot about my feelings. I soon forgot about my needs. And naturally those feelings and needs became more apparent to other people. But I was stubborn, and would not see them. I continued to mask and hide them. I pushed harder, and was more persistent. I would not admit that I had a problem. I was strong. I was stubborn. I was a liar. I no longer cared for me. I existed only in a physical state. My sole purpose was to live for other people. My life was no longer my life. I had freely given it away. And not in a noble sense. Or even in a way that deserves respect. No, what I did was wrong. There was no honor in it. No reason to be looked up to. I was selfish in being so selfless.

Like I said; life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. What's done, is done. As much as I hate my situation now and wish it were different, I need to embrace it. This is my life. I have to see that. I have to start living again. And living for me. My choices and decisions need to be made with my best interest in mind. It will be hard. I feel like I need to basically retrain myself on how to live again. Days will turn to weeks. And weeks into months. Months into years. Time will continue to move forward. All I can do is hope that I do too.

2010 was a good year. I loved it. There were plenty of rough times. Days when I look back, I wonder how I was able to make it through to the next day? But there were even more great times. Days when I look back, I wish I could relive again. I shared some wonderful memories. Some wonderful times.

2011 has now begun. I am 26 years old. And I am alive. Again.

I'm Sorry

2010-12-30T22:51:00.002-06:00

A beautiful rose blooms,

It grows and matures.

Others bask in its beauty,

And share in the natural joy.

The rose is tender and young,

And continues to grow on its own.

Living and breathing,

The rose pushes on.

Scared for the rose,

The gardener holds it tight.

Thinking he's saving it,

He presses it even harder.

Now what was once beautiful,

Lies broken in his hands.

Unable to let go,

The gardener weeps.

The beautiful rose,

His cherished love.

Crushed by his grip,

The beauty is gone.

Learning How To Smile

2010-12-26T11:59:00.002-06:00

Yay for Christmas! It has always been my favorite time of the year. My favorite holiday, by far! It has been nice to spend it with my family. They are really wonderful people. And have made it a special Christmas. I thank them for that.

My family draws names for who we get gifts from, and who we give Christmas gifts to. I drew Seth's name. But due to circumstances, was not able to give him more than a Coca-Cola and a candy bar. Derek drew my name, and gave me some wonderful gifts. He went out of his way for me. Thanks Derkinra!

There was a moment when I got really upset with things though. We went over to Seth and Marissa's place to see what they got for Christmas. While Seth was showing what he got and I got so mad. Not at them. Not that they got different Christmas gifts...but mad that his life is progressing. And mine is not.

Then I got mad that I can't even be happy on Christmas. That the only way that I can be really happy is when I think of the future. That I will be happy when I get my life in order. Or when I am in Dental School. Or when Morgan and I are back together, and enjoying life together. And that really irritated me. I should be able to find happiness in whatever situation I find myself in. But lately, the only time I find me being happy is when I look to the future. And that is something that I would like to change.

It isn't fair to me. It isn't fair to my family. It isn't fair to Morgan. I need to be able to find happiness with myself, and not rely on other people to provide that for me. I need to be complete.

One step at a time though. Change will come. Things will progress. I can't expect all these big changes to occur in one week. But I can be happy and enjoying life in the mean time. And that is my goal now.

Fairytale Of New York

2010-12-24T16:12:00.002-06:00

It was Christmas eve babe
In the drunk tank.
An old man said to me, "Won't see another one."
And then he sang a song,
'The Rare Old Mountain Dew.'
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you.

Got on a lucky one,
Came in eighteen to one.
I had a feeling
That year's for me and you.
Said 'happy Christmas,
I love you baby.
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true.'

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold.
But the wind goes right through you
Its no place for the old.
When I first took your hand
All your fingers were blue,
But I promised you Broadway was waiting for you.

I was handsome,
You were pretty;
Queen of new york city.
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more.
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing,
And we kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night.

And the boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay,
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

The apartment was cluttered,
And it smelled like the gutter.
Where my sad broken promises
Lay with the trash.
Every cold dreary night
We'd end up in a fight
And I'd pray as you'd yell
That a train'd rattle past.

And the boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay,
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

I could have been someone
You said "So could anyone."
And that I took your dreams from you
When first you found me.
But I kept them with me babe,
I put them with my own.
I can't make it all alone
I built my dreams around you.

It's Christmas eve again, in the drunk tank.
I'm an old man now, I won't see another one.
So I'll a sing a song, and sleep when I am through.
And dream of another life--where all our dreams came true.

I Knew You Before

2010-12-19T23:23:00.003-06:00

1,200 miles. 22 hours. And we're back in Utah!

It was actually not as long as a drive as I thought it may have been. Morgan and I had some good conversations. I will be honest though...yesterday was quite rough. I cried quite a few times. I broke down a lot. And hurt inside even more. I wanted so desperately for us to be together. I wanted to touch her, to kiss her. To hold her hand. To rest my hand on her leg. To feel the connection that I have felt before. To be validated in our love. But, as I realized, that isn't helping...ME.

Those things, although they mean the world to me, have continually hurt me. I take a strong hold on these moments, and cherish them. And that isn't a bad thing, but when I focus on them and not my problems, they become bad. They become detrimental to me.

I think that is why I struggled so much yesterday. And why this has been so hard on me. And to be honest, I haven't really approached this the way that I should. I have been trying to fix this problem for me. But not entirely. I have wanted to fix it, while Morgan and I are still together. And still essentially a couple.

I need to be more serious about this. If I don't fix this now, and Morgan and I eventually break-up completely, then I will just take these trends and this problem that I have onto the next relationship. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have prolly had this problem my whole life. But it has been masked by "caring" or "love" or whatever other positive thing. And again, those are great qualities. But there really needs to be a limit. I need to be the most important person in my life. I do. Then I will be able to take care of those around me. Without it being detrimental to me.

I love Morgan so very much. I respect and love her for what she is doing for me now. She saw a serious problem. She tried many approaches to help me fix this. But when they eventually failed, she took a harder approach. And I am very grateful to her for that. I don't love this situation at all. But I recognize that this really is the best thing for me. I need to find myself again. And she is helping me to do that. She is standing right behind me, supporting me. And loving me from afar, rather than up close. She is sacrificing too. I realize that. And I love her for that. She is a very wonderful and caring person. Who desperately wants the best for me.

I can do it. I can honestly say that I am confident now. I don't need to spend any more time trying to dissect my problem. I see it now, and now need to devote my time and energy to fixing it. I need to be strong. I need to stand up for me, and what will be best for me. No matter how hard that will be. I need to really start taking care of me. Me first. Then I will be able to help others. But only then.

I can do it. I can!

Losing Touch

2010-12-18T20:05:00.003-06:00

I am tired.

Tired of having mental break downs every five minutes. Honestly, I don't really have any tears left to cry.

I am really thinking that there is more to this codependency than I originally thought. I have lost all self-worth. All self-esteem. I really have lost touch with who I am.

And I hate that.

I Get It

2010-12-11T11:06:00.002-06:00

I've been fighting a fight that I never really understood until now. And I still don't fully understand it, but I now know what I am fighting.

It is referred to as co-dependency. And it is a mental illness.

Essentially it means is that I put the needs of everyone else far above the needs of myself. I have begun to live my life for other people. And nearly everything that I do is for someone else. Not for me. I have been so focused and obsessed with making sure that people are taken care of. More than my responsibility should have been. I have been addicted. And like any addiction, it has sent my life on a downward spiral.

There are steps that I can take to fix this. It is something that is fixed through behavior modification, not chemical modification. I am hoping to meet with a therapist within the upcoming week. And I have found a local support group that I plan on attending.

Recognition is the first step towards fixing anything. And I recognize this.

Codependency

So Strange I Remember You

2010-12-10T18:02:00.004-06:00

How is it that I am so thick?! Yesterday I cashed my check from work. I came home and wrote out a budget for the month. It took me nearly two hours. After I finished I saw that I had about $50.00 left over, so my very first thought was: "I should go to the mall and get Morgan something for Christmas". This is after we had talked and decided that we were not going to do gifts this year. And after I had already bought her other Christmas stuff a month ago. (Granted, all but one of those items were returned...) And I didn't go and buy these gifts because I thought Morgan secretly wanted something. She made herself very clear to me. I bought them because I NEEDED to go and spend this money. I needed to.

Am I just incapable of addressing my needs? I wrote out that budget, but forgot about the fact that I don't even have car insurance and the money I spent on Morgan would cover that for me. I am finding that I constantly justify and rationalize anything that I want. I wanted to get her something nice for Christmas...so what do I do? I convince myself that I can afford it, and go and spend the money that I don't have.

I think that I am making some good progress towards these issues. I have a long term goal, and many short term goals. I have a plan on how I will accomplish each of my goals. I have met with financial counselors to see what advice they have for me. But is all that gonna matter when I just rationalize whatever the hell I want?

My friends know I do this. My family knows I do this. Morgan knows I do this. Why can't I see it? It is a problem that I have had my whole life. And quite frankly, I am very good at it. I am good at getting what I want. But I can't seem to grasp reality. Even when I think I am, I still justify and rationalize everything.

Morgan is a very wonderful person. She loves me. She proves that to me time and time again. She has been very tolerable and patient towards me and my actions. I never ever thought that these characteristics would be so detrimental to me and to my relationships. But they have. I have neglected myself and my basic human needs in order to get what I want...what I have rationalized. By her stepping out of our relationship, I am forced to reflect on myself. And take care of ME. And that is something that I have needed to do for a long time.

I need to find myself again. I need to embrace reality. I need to take care of me. There is a time and a place for addressing the needs of those I love. But how can I do it, if I am not taking care of me?

I love her so much. And that love has kinda poisoned me. I have been addicted to her for a long time. And pulling away has been hard. It is hard. But it is necessary if I am ever gonna be the Josh that I was when we first started dating. The Josh that moved down to Cedar City with her. I know that he still exists. I just need to bring him to the surface again. I need to be a complete person by myself. And that means addressing and taking care of me.

On The Floor

2010-12-08T23:49:00.003-06:00

Over two years ago Morgan told me that Haylee has a religious following. This is for her dearly devoted. It is not the greatest video that I have ever made. But I think it does the job. :-)

I love this dog. I really don't know what I would do without her. She is our little angel.

All The Small Things

2010-12-05T16:51:00.003-06:00

Morgan and I have been on "break" status for a week now.

It has been a hard week. I would be liar if I said that I have not struggled with things. I find that every chance I get to talk with Morgan I am trying to "define" things. And hash-out the problems. Something that I know can be wearing on a person. But I haven't done it for that reason. I would never.

I have a very logical mind. I see a problem, and naturally come up with the most logical solution for it. I have always been this way. I think it is one of the reason that I handle stress so well. And really crappy situations well. I don't allow myself to freak out, or get stressed. I fix things as soon as possible, in a calm and orderly way. And I love it. I love to know that whatever happens in my life, that I will be able to react in this fashion.

But I think that the reason that I have been going back to Morgan, and trying to "hash" things out with her. And to find a "definition" for this problem that we find ourselves in, is simple; because I have allowed myself to not see the problem. Honestly. And talking with her, and trying to understand her viewpoint has helped me out a lot. Allow me to explain.

For over a year Morgan has been telling me to go and hang out with friends. She has been telling me that I need to be more social. That I need to be out living my life rather than sitting at home, waiting for her to come back. I have argued that I don't need friends. That I have enough friends back in Provo and Springville (during Cedar City times), and back in Utah (for Minnesota times). I have told her that I have work friends and that I really don't need any others. Now you can call me a liar. Because I was. I knew that when I was saying all this, and trying to convince her of it that I was right. I would think that she wanted me to go out and have fun with other people because she didn't wanna spend time with me. That she was sick of me. Or whatever dumb reason that crossed my mind. And believe I KNOW how pathetic that all sounds. I had no reason to think these things. Morgan has always been supportive of me. She has always been loving and appreciative of all the things that I have done for her. So why would she be "sick of being around me"? I admit, it makes NO sense at all.

I have gained prolly forty pounds or so since we started dating. I am not proud of that. Some days I would see Morgan acting a little different towards me, and have naturally thought that it is because of my weight gain. Even when I have asked her about it directly, and she tells me that she loves me no matter what. So I would start a diet, and start exercising more often. Something that I love. I love to run. And lift weights. And exercise. It is one of my favorite things to do. But I would do all these things for the purpose of fixing that small issue that I saw in our relationship. Even though I was told that it was not an issue at all. So ask me now if I have lost that weight yet...

There have been many many more instances that I could describe. Some that are far too personal to share to any random reader. Or even to my Mom, because I think that it is only her and Morgan that read this...

But with all this "hashing-out" that we have done lately I have made some very good discoveries. I know that this sounds incredibly cocky, but I think that I am a very smart person. My grades will suggest otherwise. But I have never really ever had to study for any test. Yet always get one of the top (if not the very top) score in my classes. I have a near-perfect photographic memory. That has always come in handy. But with all this, I have some how missed some of the most obvious things in life.

Morgan wasn't telling me to go and be with friends because she didn't wanna hang out with me. She simply saw the obvious fact that I was sacrificing who I was in order to somehow spend an extra five minutes with her. She wanted me to go out and have fun, and be ME. People need a break from each other all the time. I remember my parents saying that to me quite a bit. But with me being around all the time, I never really gave her a break. And more especially, I never gave myself a break. I liked always being there for her. Being ready for her every beck and call. I know that sounds ridiculous. I do. Now.

I think that the reason why I have never really lost any weight while on a diet or exercising like a mad man is very simple: I wasn't doing it for me. That prolly doesn't make much sense, I am dieting and exercising, how is it not beneficial for me? I don't think that I really was doing it for me. I saw the problem as a couple. And tried to address and correct the problem as a couple. Not as an individual trying to correct a very individual problem.

I have been so focused on the "us" between me and Morgan. And have completely neglected the "me". Which was something so very prevalent in our early days of dating. There was Josh. There was Morgan. And there was us. But lately (and I mean, the last year and a half) there has been Morgan, and there has been us. Josh somehow forgot who and what he was.

Now the real pathetic thing to all this is I know better. I have always, always been an individual person. I loved the person that I was. Somehow I allowed myself to get so caught up in being a couple that I forgot that I even existed. Morgan has been pointing this out to me for a long time. But I have been to stubborn to see it. She has been really patient and hopeful that I would just take care of it... But I didn't. And not because I didn't want to fix the problem, but simply because I didn't see the problem.

Notice how many times the word "I" has appeared? This is about me. This is about me.

Last night I looked through one of our old facebook photo albums. I saw a different couple than I see today. One picture in particular stood out to me. I starred into our eyes, they were just so full of love for each other. We were so much happier. We were a couple, yet individuals at the same time.

I don't know when I lost focus of my needs. I really wonder at what point that happened. But I do know that I need to take care of them. I need to exist in my own life before I can expect to exist in someone else's also. I realize that this is not the only issue at hand between Morgan and I. I would be a fool to say so. I also know that this will take some time to be fixed.

Friday night I went and saw a movie with a co-worker, The Next Three Days. I really enjoyed it. And had a lot of fun. This is the first time that I have done anything for myself since... July of 2009??? It was long over-due.

The whole message behind this blog is quite simple... I understand. I finally understand.

The Artist In The Ambulance

2010-12-04T13:18:00.006-06:00

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel

My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the

Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

The Artist In The Ambulance

Dammit

2010-12-01T10:39:00.002-06:00

Today I went in for my follow-up appointment with Dr Kearney. He says that my knee is healing up really nice. He was impressed with how quickly I heal. I am always happy to hear that.

He also told me about the problem that he found while in surgery. Basically the cartilage on my knee is falling off. The articular cartilage that holds the femur to the knee joint and tibia is either cracked and going to completely split from the femur, or is bubbling up (similar to a blister) and will "pop" off.

So surgically speaking there are two approaches. 1; open the knee, remove the torn cartilage completely from the knee, and micro-fracture my femur. Which essentially means that after they cut the cartilage away they will drill 20-50 tiny holes into my femur and let it bleed and hope that the body will naturally repair the bone and cartilage. I would be on crutches for 6 weeks, minimum. With no weight bearing at all with my right leg. 2; open the knee, clean the torn cartilage, and place plastic anchors into my femur through the destroyed cartilage. Basically the same thing that I had done in 2008 on my right shoulder. This would also be 6 weeks of crutches and no weight bearing.

Tomorrow I am having another MRI to hopefully see which one would be best. Right now I am indifferent towards it all. They would both suck. 6 weeks of crutches would be hell. Anyone who has had to use crutches knows my pain. It would also make work difficult, considering I also do surgery. I would make it work. I am no wimp, so I would find a way to make sure that I could go into work everyday.

I am saddened by all this though. I was really hoping that last weeks surgery would be my last. I am only 25 years old, and have already had all of my major joints operated on. Some twice. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed and am falling apart (quite literally now with my knee...). I am not complaining, or looking for sympathy. Just trying to work things out in my mind.

I asked Dr Kearney what he thought would have caused all this, and he just said the only thing that he could think of would be a major blunt trauma. Like me jumping off some incredible height and landing very hard on my feet, without cushioning my knee at all. But if that were the case then I would have the same problem with my left knee, right? So I have no idea what caused all this. But he also said that it is something that has been happening for quite some time. At least a year and a half. And it will not heal on its own.

I know that things will work out. I am staying positive. That is all that I can do.

On a side note, here is an article that kinda describes what is happening with my knee. It is a fairly interesting read.

What I Can't Describe

2010-11-30T00:12:00.002-06:00

I have never been a fan of Thanksgiving. Honestly, I think that it is a terrible holiday. I love the food. I love the feeling of gathering with family and loved ones. I love that we get work and school off. But I always end up sick. My stomach just can not handle the food, and I usually sit in misery. Luckily Morgan and I have been able to pin point more specific foods that make me sick, and we try to avoid them. That has been very helpful.

This year we celebrated together at Morgan's apartment. One of her friends from school came over as well. It was nice. We cooked some delicious food, and had tons left over. It was the first time that I have really cooked Thanksgiving. Granted, Morgan cooked most of it since I was fairly loopy from the surgery and drugs. I really enjoyed being able to celebrate with her.

But that is not what this blog post is about.

About two hours after Morgan and I got back from the surgery center on Wednesday my landlord came pounding on my door. I let her in, and she very furiously asked my why my rent check had bounced. I had no idea it had. I told her that I would get her the money by Friday, and she left appeased. After that we sat down and pulled up my bank account to find that I was over $300.00 in the hole. I called US Bank, and asked why I had so many overdraft charges and why my checks were bouncing. I was told that since I am filing for bankruptcy, they can not legally cash my checks. A rule that is very specific to US Bank only.

We talked for quite a while about my finances. I cried a lot. Not due to my surgery hours before, but because of my embarrassment about my fiscal situation. We decided that we may need to take a "break" in our relationship so that I can work out this junk. But that we would talk about it again before we came to that conclusion.

Thursday I woke early and set out a plan that would help me fix this. I created an Excel document that had all my estimated paychecks from December 2010-June 2011. Along with all my known expenses (rent, utilities, gas, groceries, phone, etc...). Basically a very thorough budget for the next six months. I also did some research and found a Financial Counselor that would be able to help me stick to this plan, and also evaluate my situation to see where I could improve. It was a good start. But with it being Thanksgiving, it was all I could do.

Our two-year anniversary was Friday. Morgan had too many class projects to do, so we decided we would celebrate on Sunday. So I prepared some food (salmon, taters, muffins, and peas), and Morgan cooked it all so I could stay off of my knee. After a delicious dinner we sat on the couch and just enjoyed being with each other. We had planned to go see the new Harry Potter movie, but Morgan had a dance rehearsal and lots of homework due on Monday. So sitting next to each other was a perfect substitute.

That was when Morgan told me how she was feeling. She told me that right now, she just can not handle the stress of my financial situation. That she felt that we needed to go on a "break" until I fix this. It was not what I wanted to hear. Nor what I had expected.

I was basically numb. We talked about it. I told her how I felt about it. How I feel that I can work on this, and we can still be dating. I told her that I didn't want to lose her. That she is the person that I love the most in this entire world. That she means the world to me. That I would work the hardest that I could possibly work to get this fixed. That I was not happy about this decision. And she told me how she felt. That she does not think that I can fix this while we are still dating. That I don't handle the money well, and how she feels she distracts me from things. This being something that I can not afford to be distracted by. And that she just can't handle the stress of it right now.

It really didn't help that I had taken two Vicodin moments before this conversation. I felt loopy. I felt sad. I felt like I was at a loss.

After waiting to see if I was going to be alright, she kissed me. Told me that she loves me. That she misses me, and wants me to come back to her as soon as possible. I told her just how important she is to me. That I love her too much to not fix this. I kissed her again, hugged her, and she left.

I laid on that couch for a good 45 minutes. I was breathing, but I think that was the only body process going on in my head. I was very sad. I didn't expect this. I never imagined it. Eventually I got up, and did some much needed homework.

The next morning I woke up and immediately felt the effects of the night before. I felt like my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. I felt hollow. But, I also had a task to do. And dwelling on the pain that I was feeling really wouldn't help me. However, it is a nice motivating factor.

Morgan and I have been dating for over two years. In those two years I have either been unemployed, or have been barely working enough hours to pay for the small bills. Rent was always a problem. Every month was such a struggle for me to come up with my share of rent money in Cedar City. Many times I had to sell things to get by. Twice I was late, and told our landlord I would get the money to him when I could. It has always been a problem.

It was the same story with groceries. Gas for our vehicles. Money for trips and dates. Restaurants. Movies. Every time that I would swipe my card at a business I would wonder if I actually had enough funds to cover the expenses. There were plenty of times that I didn't. Those times Morgan would help. She didn't have to, but she did anyways. She was always there to help me. I would always pay her back the moment that I could. But still felt terrible about it.

Then there was the fact that my Toyota Tacoma was repossessed in June of this year. Between paying rent, and groceries I had not been paying the entire monthly payment on my truck. I really loved that truck. I think for a long time I have been placing the blame on America First for not working with me more. Truth is it was my fault. Entirely my fault. It was me who made the conscience decision to not pay the bill entirely. It was me who did not work enough hours to pay those bills. Yet Morgan stood by me, and was strong for me.

Month after month I struggled. Month after month I would tell Morgan that I was getting things squared away. And sometimes I was. Some months I was doing pretty well financially. But it was always the same problem.

In August I began my new job working as a Surgical Assistant in an oral surgery center here in Mankato. It felt so good to be making money again. That first month I made a budget. And I actually stuck to it. September came, and I forgot about my budget. I was paying my rent money. Gas and groceries were getting better too. In October I moved into a new apartment. I had the money to pay the security deposit and first months rent. It took quite a bit from my checking account. And I think at this point was where I started to make my error again.

I was still working, but admitidly it was for fewer hours. Dr Marlow had more days off, and instead of me coming in and working with Dr Kim, I decided to take the days off too. So my checks were getting smaller, but my spending habits stayed the same.

The weather continued to get colder. And I knew that I would eventually need to retire the scooters for the winter and get a car. A co-worker told me of a website where you can bid on cars for fairly cheap. I went home and without really looking into it, I bid on a car. I eventually won the auction. And the price of the car soon doubled after their fees and registering the car. It was great to have a vehicle again. I really did need it. But I should have done more research into the system rather than jumping fully into it.

Seth and Derek came out to visit in the beginning of November. It was such much fun. I had a really good time with them. This trip was expensive. I am grateful for the help that Seth and Derek gave to me in paying for parts of it.

Looking back I see where I have made my errors. It is easy to look back and see what I should have done differently. The trick is to be looking ahead, and seeing the difference between what I can honestly afford. And seeing what I would like to be able to afford.

I need to be more responsible with my money. I really do. I need to start saving better. I can't keep struggling and worrying about where I am going to get the money for rent. I can't keep filling up a shopping cart with food, and looking at Morgan for help when the cashier tells me my check has been declined. I can't keep pawning off my stuff to pay for gas in my car.

Realistically, I shouldn't have to do these things. I am working 64 hours a pay period, and I get $13.00 an hour. I make enough a month to pay for these things. So why do I constantly struggle? It doesn't make sense. Why do I keep telling Morgan that I will work this out? Saying; "it's is just this month, I will get it fixed".

I need to be more reliable with my money. I do. I need to know that I have enough funds in my account to pay for the things that I need. Morgan needs to know that also. She shouldn't always wonder if she is going to have to pay for the things that I need. I am very grateful for her help. But I have taken it too far...I never intended too, but I allowed it to happen.

I have a plan. I am filling for bankruptcy. That will be a big relief. I am also planning on paying rent for January-May upfront to my landlord in January. This will allow me to save quite a bit during those months. I am also meeting with a Financial Counselor. We will take a look at this plan, and see where I can improve. Ultimately I need to fix this for me. It is not healthy for me to live my life like this every month. Let alone the stress that it puts on my loved ones.

I miss Morgan. I do. But I am hopeful. I know that things are going to work out. I know that. I want us to be a family again. I am not mad or upset with her. She made a very brave decision to go on "break". She cares for me, and wants the best for me. I know that. I am writing this to tell you, who ever you are, that I am aware of this problem. That I am very actively pursuing a solution. It's up to me to fix this. And I am going to.

Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2010-11-26T22:50:00.002-06:00

I think that I am healing up really well. I have been taking it easy...for me anyways. My "Wolverine" instincts help lots in these situations. I couldn't help but take some pictures for your enjoyment. They're not the best pictures, but I think they do the job.

Twenty-Twenty Surgery

2010-11-25T16:10:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went in for my latest knee surgery. I was actually kinda nervous about it. I never could pinpoint why. I knew that it was something that I needed to have done. It should have been done over a year ago...but kept being pushed aside.

Now that the surgery is done, I am feeling a little less-than thrilled. Basically the surgeon told me that what he had thought was a meniscus tear was actually just a build up of knee plica. He also said that the cartilage on the femoral side of my knee cap is cracking and is beginning to slide off. He said that this is the first time that he has seen anything like that in his entire career...and wasn't exactly sure how to proceed. So I am going in to see him and a few of his colleagues on Wednesday and discuss my options. But basically what I thought would be my last knee surgery only proves to be a stepping stone for further surgeries.

Morgan has been very supportive of me. And she has been taking great care of me. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

A Winter's Tale

2010-11-13T20:57:00.001-06:00

So last night Morgan and I left the gym as it was starting to snow a little. My car was just lightly dusted, there really wasn't much at all. But we were both excited for our first snowfall in Minnesota!

We had no idea what we were in for...

Needless to say we were shocked. We had planned a winter adventure, but due to the astronomical amount of snow, (and the fact that we couldn't move the car) we just decided to order pizza and watch some Simpsons. It was still fun.

Number Five With A Bullet

2010-11-08T23:41:00.004-06:00

This past weekend was different than any I've had recently. Seth and Derek came out from Utah and visited me! It was a lot of fun. Allow me to tell the story of our adventures.

Their flight landed around 4;30 Minnesota time. I picked them up, and we made the drive down to Mankato. After a delicious dinner at Grizzlies we headed to my place.

The next day I gave them a tour of Mankato. Then we headed back up to the Cities. I reserved us a hotel in Bloomington so that we would be close to all the activities in the area. We first headed up to Target Field, home of the Twins. It's such a beautiful stadium. Then I gave them a quick tour of downtown Minneapolis. Next we headed off to The Mall of America. And we were prolly there for a good 3+ hours. Then back to the hotel room for the night.

We woke up early the next morning to make sure that we would be ready for the Minnesota Vikings game! We hit up a McDonald's drive-through for breakfast, then got on the train to take us to the stadium.

It was a very fun game. We all ate some hot dogs, and popcorn. The Vikings pulled off an incredibly lucky win. It was a fun experience, and the first NFL game for all of us.

We came back to Mankato after the game, and just chilled. They left the next afternoon. It was so good to see them. And just be able to be with them. I am happy that they came out. I think that we are gonna have to make this a new tradition.

Every Penny Fed Car

2010-10-30T13:00:00.003-05:00

Well, today is exactly four months since my Tacoma was repossessed by America First. It has been a hard couple of months. Seth and Marissa graciously gave me their scooter before I moved to Minnesota. And I have been riding it around everywhere. In the sun and heat. Also in the rain/snow and freezing cold. Morgan has been great too. When she isn't using her car, she has been very supportive, and has let me borrow it. She has been a great help. But I decided four months was long enough.

That's right. Today I bought a car. Finally! Earlier this week, a co-worker of mine told me about a website called Charity Car Auctions. So I checked it out, and was amazed by how cheap these cars were selling. I bid on two cars. A 2002 Ford Focus, and a 1995 Saturn SC2. It came down to the final minute, but I won the Saturn! Wahoo!

Morgan and I drove up to St. Paul and picked up my car. It is not the world's most beautiful car ever, but I am just happy to have one again. Besides, $359.00 (plus tax and fees) isn't a bad price to own a car again.

I have been really blessed recently. I am very, very grateful. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and concern in my behalf. Thank you. Enjoy the pictures!

Romance

2010-10-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

Love is an interesting thing. It is a feeling completely different than any of the other feelings. Happiness/joy/anger/frustration/envy/hunger/etc. all seem to fade after time. Whether you address the underline cause or not. But from my experience, love doesn’t fade. It grows.

Morgan and I have nearly been dating for two years now. I can say that I have never been happier with anyone ever before in my life. She lights up my life. She teaches me. She inspires me to want to be better. And excel in every aspect of my life. And I love her for that.

Today Morgan texted me and said there was a package coming for me, and she wanted me to be at her house to receive it. I was surprised, and anxious. And excited. So she came and picked me up. We ate some day-old pizza, and then she had to go back to school. Soon after she left, the package arrived. I was excited. It was a rather large box. But I decided to wait for her to come home until I opened it. So I waited. The time seemed to go by s.l.o.w.l.y.

Eventually, she was back. I opened that box with vigor, and discovered a new Goose Down coat. Some extra warm gloves. And a super soft ear warmer. Morgan had just re-equipped me with new winter wear. Calling it our “Happy First Winter in Minnesota!”

My heart melted.

This is what I mean about love. Morgan tells me all that time that she loves me. And she does nice things for me all the time. But opening a box that is filled with new outerwear that will keep me warm while I ride around on the scooter in freezing weather… That was different. She saw a need. And she took care of it.

I am a lucky man. I am lucky because I have someone in my life that helps me in the obvious, everyday things. And because she sees needs that I have never brought up, and she takes care of them. She constantly surrounds me with that love. You know, that feeling that doesn’t fade, but grows.

I love her. I really do.

In Bloom

2010-10-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Seth!

Interlewd

2010-10-23T20:36:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. I would apologize, but then at the same time, I don't really have anything to blog about.

Things have been pretty much the same for me lately. I wake up, go to work. Maybe see Morgan. Do some homework. Go to the gym. And go to bed. Just to wake up and do the same thing all over again. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with the consistency that life has been throwing my way lately. I am very glad to be working. And school is coming along. I am still behind on some classes, but I think that I am catching up at a good pace.

Life is good right now. I am happy.

The Party Song

2010-10-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

Today was a fun day. It was a very busy day. But a wonderful day.

Morgan and I woke up this morning, bright and early. We began our day spray painting serving trays. Then committing highway-robbery at a thrift store. Then decorating. Then baking. Then arranging.

Then partying.

We celebrated Morgan's 26th birthday today. It was a lot of fun. Morgan has been working on her "Alice in Wonderland" dress for quite some time now. And I must say, she has done an amazing job. I am very impressed. I dressed up as Hamish. Alice's beau of some sorts. It was a last minute costume, but worked alright. A few other people dressed up as well, and that made it super fun.

It was prolly the best party that I have been to in a long time. We made all sorts of themed treats, and drinks. Morgan has posted pictures from the party, here! I would highly encourage you to view them.

Next we are gonna throw a Harry Potter party in honor of the new movie. I think I am gonna dress up as Hagrid. What do you think?

This Side Of Brightness

2010-10-08T00:42:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Morgan!

Happy Birthday Derek!

U, U, D, D, L, R, L, R, A, B, Select, Start

2010-10-07T23:46:00.002-05:00

About two years ago I basically stopped going to the gym. A lot of that had to do with my shoulder surgery, and my inability to work-out...and a lot of that had to do with me being a little lazy. Honestly.

Today I got a new gym membership. With the same company that I had in Utah. I am desperately in need of it too. I have prolly gained about 45 + pounds within the past two years. It would be good for me to go anyways. I love to workout. I love to run, and lift. It is relaxing for me. And I have noticed that when I have to pay for a membership to a gym, that I do go more often. So I am hoping the past will still prove that theory.

I have set a goal to go four days a week to start. It really shouldn't be that hard of a thing either considering I ride my scooter past the gym everyday to work. I will just need to pack clothes and workout. I need to do this. I do.

Give It All

2010-10-03T21:51:00.002-05:00

Yay! They did it!

The Atlanta Braves are back in the playoffs! This is the first time that they have made the playoffs since 2005. IT'S ABOUT TIME!

This Thursday, October 7th (Morgan's birthday and Derek's birthday) the Braves will be playing the San Francisco Giants. My brother Seth and I won't be friends for a while. I am predicting my team will beat his team in 5 games.

You can follow it here!

Autumn Beds

2010-10-03T19:38:00.004-05:00

So Morgan and I decided to take a drive today. A drive with a purpose...to pick apples!

Last night I searched online to find a place that we could go and pick apples. I found a place called Minnesota Harvest. After we woke up and ate some Crunchy OH's cereal, we took off.

I am learning that I don't particulary love the Minnesota roads. We took the main highway outta Mankato, only to find that it was again closed at St Peter. So detour we went. And of course our half-hour drive turned into a 1 1/2 drive. But we finally got there!

It was a lot of fun! We first went to an apple tasting center. I've never eaten so many apples before in my life. But there were some amazingly tasty apples. Then we got our bag, and took off down the path to pick our own apples.

Our 15 pound bag, turned into a 25 pound bag. We have so many apples! I am excited! It was a lot of fun. Here are some pictures!

Morgan also blogged about it too. Here!

Gotta Get Away

2010-10-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Today is a good day. Today I moved out of my first apartment in Mankato, and into a much better one. I am so happy to be outta there too! So happy.

What Happens Next

2010-09-29T22:54:00.002-05:00

It is getting to be that time of year again. The time of year that I stress over things that don't particularly matter...but still manage to play a big part of my life. What is that? You are right, Major League Baseball. But specifically, the Braves.

From May to the beginning of September the Braves were first place in the National League East Division. I was actually very surprised that they had done so well. I kept telling Morgan that they should be "crapping out" soon. And I was right. The Phillies have won the NL East. But the Braves are currently in first place for the National League Wild Card race.

I am hoping that they can hold it. They have only three games left. All against the Phillies. Could be a very crucial time in baseball.

So Much Beauty In Dirt

2010-09-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

As far back as I can remember my family has always taken a Labor Day trip. And we go to the same spot every time. Lower Bowns Reservoir. You may say that is boring to take the same trip year after year...but you would be very wrong to say that. For the beauty and the wonder of that area is unsurpassed. Without exaggeration it is one of my favorite places on Earth. I love it. This year, I will not be going.

Everyday I am with Morgan I am reminded of more reasons why I love her. We both LOVE to travel. Taking random trips to places neither of us have been to is excited. I love it!

A few days ago Morgan and I decided to take advantage of my paid vacation, and go exploring in Northern Minnesota. We found a spot that looked good. And we left.

A beautiful four hours north of us lies a town called, Duluth. It is built right on the shoreline of Lake Superior. Here is a map! It is quite possibly one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. The water is dark blue. Deep and entrancing. We fell in love immediately.

We ventured further along the coast. Making stops at Gooseberry Falls, and Split Rock Lighthouse. Hiking and taking pictures along the way.

I have always wanted a woman who is not afraid to go camping for days. I mean, real camping. You know, tent in the middle of the wilderness. Eating food cooked off a small camp grill. Fishing. Hunting. Hiking. Exploring. I am so lucky to have Morgan in my life!

After an amazing camping trip, we headed to Minneapolis and a Twins game. It was an amazing weekend. I need another.

The Great Disappointment

2010-09-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

So...SUU officially started over 2 weeks ago. For those who are familiar with the college way-of-life, you prolly know how important grants/student loans are in the life of a college student. I for one, know they are very important to me. Especially now.

Back in July I logged into my SUU Student Profile to set up a Direct Deposit for my student loan monies to go into. Knowing full well that I would not be in the Cedar City area during the time of the disbursement of the checks. This was not a complicated process at all. I soon received an email from SUU notifying me that I had done it all correctly.

About the 15th of this month I received a notice from the good people who run fafsa telling me that my money would be available after August 19th. I was very happy. And in desperate need of the money. So I wrote an email to SUU, just to make sure that I would indeed be receiving the money around that date, and that it would be deposited into my account. I was assured it would be, and I rejoiced.

The next thing I knew it was August 24th, and I still had not received my money. So because I am smart, I called SUU. I was told that I had a check sitting there, and they were wondering when I would be able to come by and pick it up. A little frustrated, I told the chick that I am living in Minnesota, and would not be able to swing by campus and grab it. I asked her if the controllers office would be able to send it off to me that day. I was told that they would make sure of it. I verified my Mankato address with her four times (I kid you not), said 'thank-you", and hung up the phone.

That Friday after checking my mail, and noting another day of no check, I called SUU to follow-up with them about mailing my check on Tuesday. I was told that the check was still sitting there, and they would be sending it off soon. More frustrated, I told them that I needed it, and please send it today! Again, they said they would.

The next week rolled around. I had the feeling to call again. So I did. I was told that they mailed the check off to my parents address in Utah. I decided at that point to keep my cool, and not tell the girl that I thought she was a brainless twit. So I then called my parents and told them to keep a lookout for the check.

Days passed, no check at my house or my parents. So out of pure frustration I sent an email to the managers of the Controllers Office at SUU. I told them how upset I was, and basically said that a kindergarten student could run the office better than they have been.

The next day I received my check through over-night FedEx. The system works.

Happiness

2010-08-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today marks the final day of my first two weeks of my new job. And it feels so good!

I am so happy to be working again. I have not have a full-time job for over two years now I am learning a lot at this job. I will soon be X-Ray Certified. As well as Anesthesia Certified. Which I am very excited about.

I do like it. Hooray!

A New Hope

2010-08-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

I am so happy. Today was the end of my first week of work at Associates in Oral Surgery. It was the first time since Christmas that I have worked a full week. It feels so good.

I am really enjoying this job. I have some fun co-workers, and the Dr. is really good about teaching me. Plus he took me to lunch on Tuesday to an authentic German place. Things have been really good.

I decided that after 6 weeks I would finally unpack myself. I have been holding off because my apartment is supposedly being rebuilt...but the work has never started yet. I would actually rather find a new place. That will come in time.

Hallelujah

2010-08-07T00:29:00.000-05:00

I don’t even know where to begin… These past few weeks have been rather difficult. Moving across the country to Minnesota. Looking forward to starting a new job, and a new life here. Then losing the job before I even had a chance to start it. Realizing that I have nothing. No money. No job. No real prospects. And having to start all over from the beginning.

I do not even know how many hours I put into my job search here in Mankato. I turned in dozens or applications. Printed off many, many resumes. Spoke with lots of businesses and possible employers. Became discouraged and depressed. Started to doubt my feelings. Grew strong again, just to fall when people kept telling me “no”. But I kept at it. It was my only option.

I set a date, a date that if I was hired then I would stay in Minnesota. Or if I was not able to find a job by that date, then I would start preparing to move back to Utah. I told the Lord of that date. I told Him that I would do everything in my power to have a job by August 6th. I told Morgan. And my parents. My brothers and my friends. I knew that I would be held to that date if people knew about it. I also knew that if I wanted the best chances of securing a job by the 6th that I would really need to work hard. I needed to put my job search first in my priorities. I can honestly say that I did that.

Today is August 6th. I must say that I have been really discouraged through this week. I thought that with all the work that I have done, that I would see more progress than I have. It has been a difficult week. And has gone by too fast. It has been hard for me to keep my faith, and trust in the Lord. I have wanted to know what is happening. I have wanted to know if I can unpack my stuff, or if I just need to repack my things, and start the long drive back to Utah. I have wanted today to come, but at the same time, dreaded its arrival. I have had to be more patient and calmer than I think I have ever been in my entire life. It has been hard. I have just wanted answers.

I had two interviews today. One with Best Buy and one with Maurice’s. Both were second interviews. Neither was too stellar. As I was riding my scooter to the mall for my interview with Maurice’s I had the impression that I should stop by the oral surgery site that I applied at and kinda remind them I am still here. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to. I wanted them to know that I was very serious when I gave them a resume. But I also didn’t want to be a nuisance. I didn’t want to keep pestering them. I texted Morgan about my feelings, she told me that she wouldn’t think I was bothering them too much, and if I felt that I should see them, that I should go.

When the interview was over, I rode over to Associates in Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say, but trusted that I would say what I needed to. I walked in and said “hi” to the receptionist who was very happy to see me. We chatted for a minute, and then she asked if I would like to see Kim. I told her I would love to. A few minutes later Kim came out. She assumed that I was there to follow up with her, and quickly said that she had not had the opportunity to speak with the Doctors. I told her that was fine, and I really came by to say hello, and see how their day was going. She seemed a little taken aback and said that was nice of me. She then told me that she would be sure to pin the Doctors down and get an answer out of them today. I told her I would love that. I said thank you, and I left.

I got back on the scooter, not entirely sure why I was prompted to go there, but happy I did. I stopped by about 15 other businesses and followed up with them on my way to Morgan’s apartment. None of which really gave me any decisive news. By the time I got to her apartment it was after 5:00 pm. The work week had ended. I was starting to feel really depressed at this point. I had felt so sure about me being in Minnesota. So sure that this was indeed where I needed to be at this moment in my life. And now by deadline had come and I really didn’t have anything. As I was sitting and stewing over my feelings, my phone rang. It was a 507 area code number. Knowing it had to be someone in Mankato, I quickly answered it. It was my bishop. He was calling to see what I had found out. I had told him of my deadline too, and now he was following up with me. I told him that I tried my best, but still don’t have a job. He told me that he was very impressed with me. He said that he has never seen anyone who is so diligent and hard working as I am. That made me feel better. I told him that I stopped by the oral surgery site, but they still hadn’t made a decision yet, but that I would keep him informed. He told me to stay strong. It was a good conversation.

I sat down on Morgan’s couch. Started petting the Haylee, when my phone rang again. It was another 507 number. I answered it. Kim from Associates in Oral Surgery was on the other line. She told me that she had just spoken with Dr. Marlow. She really didn’t seem too enthused to be speaking with me, and my heart kinda sank. She then said that Dr. Marlow was impressed with me, and wanted to bring me on full-time. It was rather hard for me to restrain my excitement. She asked me if I could start on Monday, and I quickly said “yes”. She told me they were excited to have me start for them. And after she told me that I needed to cut my hair, she said “good-bye”.
I am not sure how long I just sat on the couch. My prayer was answered. 5:35 pm on Friday August 6th. My deadline. The complete end of the work week and the end of the work day. I had held the Lord to a date. I had down everything in my power to find a job, and had left it up to him. And he helped me.

I am so very grateful to the Lord for answering my prayer. And so grateful for all the prayers and thoughts on my behalf. I have learned a lot these past few weeks. I have learned the importance on hard work. Of not letting my feelings drag me down, but to stay strong. I have learned how important it is to keep my faith in God and his miraculous power. I will be honest, I would have rather had my answer sooner, but because it came when it did, I have learned the importance of not giving up. And to have patience. These are lessons that I never want to forget.

A month ago I never would have imagined what would lay in store for me. I never would have dreamed of all that I would have to go through. But, I am grateful for the challenges that I have had to endure. They have made me stronger. I never want to go through them again! But if I do, at least I know that I can.

Monday I start a new job. I start a new life in Minnesota. I am excited!

Reach For The Sky

2010-08-01T22:09:00.003-05:00

That's it. It is no longer in my hands. I can honestly say that I have done all in my power. I am now trusting.

I have spent the last two weeks out pounding the pavement looking for work. I have not allowed myself a break, but have been very diligent and very determined to find something that will help me. I have applied everywhere that I could think of. For jobs that I have no skills towards, to jobs that I have done in the past. I have not been picky. I have not been proud and stubborn. I have been humbled everyday by rejections. But I have not given up.

Today I fasted for help. This is not the first time that I have done this in the past few weeks. But today's fast was a little different. I fasted today to tell the Lord that this is out of my power now. That I have done all that I can. That my job search is now in His power. I am exercising my faith and hope in Him. I understand that I may not have my prayers answered in the way that I want. I understand that giving my will to the Lord truly means I have given it to Him. It is no longer mine. I also understand that this does not mean that I should sit around and wait for employers to call me. No, I need to still be out there everyday. I still need to work hard. I still need to do all that I can. I still need to be exercising my faith in the will of the Lord. And that is what I will do.

All These Things I've Done

2010-07-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

Today I had my "working interview" with the Oral Surgery site. I think that it went really well. I was there for 4 1/2 hours. I watched one surgery, then the Dr asked me to come in and assist him on the rest. I did my best. I hope that the two Dr's there saw that I was more than willing to help out. That I am not shy. That I try. That I am social, and try to get to know the people that work there. I can only hope. I would love this job. This is what I want to be doing the rest of my life. I want to graduate from Dental School, and start on an Oral Surgery rotation. I would love it. I can not even begin to describe how badly I want this job!

I also have had interviews for other jobs. A floor sweeper at the hospital. A Pharmacy Tech also at the hospital. A representative at a call center. A dispatcher for a trucking company. And several positions at the Mall.

I have more applications to turn in, and even more places to follow-up with. I am determined. I will get a job. I know it.

Feel Good Drag

2010-07-29T21:27:00.002-05:00

I think that things are starting to settle in now. I have spent nearly every waking hour of everyday trying to find a job. Filling out applications. Giving away resumes. Scheduling interviews. Having interviews. Following-up. I am starting to get tired. And I am starting to get a little discouraged, and a little depressed.

I have successfully scored a part-time job with Journeys at the mall. The pay is minimum wage, and I may get up to 10 hours a week. I am happy that I do have something. But realistically I need more. I need more work. More pay.

I have had quite a few very good interviews. Two more at the hospital. Neither of which are doing what I would want to do...but I am not picky. One with a trucking company. Quite a few at the mall. And one that I am really hoping for, an Assistant at an Oral Surgery center. I actually go back for a "working interview" with them tomorrow. I am very excited about it. I will have the chance to show them that I am a very hard worker. And that I do know what I am doing. And that I would be a very good asset to the team.

With all that success that I have had, I still do feel a little discouraged. I think the seriousness of the situation has been sitting on top of me rather hard. I need a job. I need a good paying job. I am trying to stay hopeful, and stay positive. But I am finding that to be hard right now.

I still feel really good about being here in Mankato. I love it here. I do. I want desperately for things to work out. I know that if they don't that my family and friends would readily accept me back in Utah. I am very grateful for that. I still feel that I need this. That I need to be here. I feel as if I have some lesson to learn or something. I am trusting my feelings. I am putting faith in them. I hope that it pays off.

I am not sure why I am starting to be discouraged and depressed. I think that I have had quite a bit of success for the amount of time that I have been searching. I think that I am missing interaction with people. Real interaction...not just during an interview. I have been trying to make friends at Journeys. I just still feel as if there is a big hole missing in me.

But I can't let it get to me. I need to stay focused. I need to stay positive, and not begin to doubt. Right now though, I am finding that to be much harder than it has been in the past.

Get It Faster

2010-07-27T16:23:00.004-05:00

I made this video on Sunday. Haylee and I have been enjoying our time together. We missed Morgan. She makes the "family play time" complete.

Enjoy!

Zapatista, Don't Give Up

2010-07-23T23:52:00.002-05:00

Once again I am job searching. It seems like I am a professional at this. I go in to stores/businesses/clinics/restaurants/etc... ask for a resume, fill it out, and schmooze the manager. Then two days later I follow-up with that manager, and hope for the best. I really hate it.

I was so happy when I first got the job at ISJ. One of the first thoughts that went through my head, was that I would not have to really search for a job again for a long time. I was wrong.

In the past three days I think that I have filled out over 30 applications. So so many. With even more to be filed out. Tomorrow I am dedicating another full day to the cause.

I have one interview set up for next week. My goal for tomorrow is to have 3 more. That is very achievable. Wish me luck!

Morgan has been gone for two days already. They have gone by quick. I do miss her. I always do miss her when we are apart. I love her more than words can describe. But this time that she has been gone has been different than past instances. Usually I miss her terribly. Even when I am very preoccupied with things. The thought of us being apart is so strong always in my mind. It makes being apart rather difficult for me. But this time I have been really at peace with the situation. I have this feeling--that everything is okay, and fine--. I am loving it. It has made these past few days very good. Especially considering I am not really doing anything. I mean, I am out applying for a job, and filling out applications. But I could just sit around and complain over my current situation. I think that this feeling has been a very good blessing.

I am very hopeful that I will be able to find a job here. I do like Minnesota. I am becoming used to the humidity. And somewhat used to the stupid mosquito's. I want to start a new life for myself here. There has to be a reason why God had me come here in the first place. And I am determined to find out what that was.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2010-07-21T00:06:00.001-05:00

I saw her today at a reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"
I said to him

You can't always get what you want, no!
You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)
You can't always get what you want (no)
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh yes! Woo!

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!
Oh yeah!

I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need, ah yes...

Another Bag Of Bricks

2010-07-20T23:30:00.001-05:00

Well, I had my meeting today. I had lots of questions answered, but that was about it. I am officially jobless. Again.

I was very frustrated but kept my cool. I gave many scenarios, but it didn't seem to matter. I moved across the country for a job that I no longer have. And I will be honest, my faith is a little wavering right now. I just do not understand.

Oh well, I guess I will just do what I do best...bounce back and start over. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and kind thoughts. I am sure good things will come.

Don't Stop Believing

2010-07-19T02:11:00.003-05:00

I can't sleep. It's 2:13 am, and I am tired. I have taken some Tylenol PM, but they don't seem to have kicked in just yet. Morgan and Haylee have been a sleep for hours already, but I just kept tossing and turning. So, now I am up. Rather than fighting a problem that should have gone away on it's own...I am embracing it, and making good use of my time. I suppose anyways.

My mind just won't shut off. Thoughts keep running through it. And no matter how I try to dissect them, they just keep coming up.

I moved out to Minnesota to take a job with Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato as a Surgical Tech. The day after Morgan and I pulled into town I went to the Hospital to have my final pre-employment evaluation. I was told that because of my many surgeries that they would need to see if I would need any accommodations in order for me to preform my duties as a Surg. Tech. I told the nurse practitioner that I was seeing that I have never had any problems before in the past, and do not for see any in the future. She told me that someone in Human Resources would get back to me. So I waited. I called HR, and was told that I would need to wait possibly a week for a decision to be made in my behalf.

I waited. I kept believing. I would not even let the thought enter my mind that I might not actually have the job that I left Utah for. Then on Thursday of last week I finally heard back from the hospital. I was told that according the the nurse practitioner that I saw, I would not be able to preform the job without serious modifications. And that the hospital would not be able to make those modifications for me.

Just like that my worst fear was realized. They were revoking my job from me. I was graceful on the phone. But asked what I could do. I was told that my best bet would be to try to get in contact with my (would be) supervisor and try to work something out. I set to work immediately. I would not lose this job. I tried calling, but never reached either supervisor. So I sent an email to them. Never heard back. The next day I decided to just wait at the hospital until I was able to speak with them.

I arrived at Same Day Surgery around 11:00 am. I asked the nurse at the desk to speak with my supervisor. Said that it was me, and just would like a few minutes time. She went and relayed my message. She came back a few minutes later, and said that my supervisor was in a meeting that would last most of the day and wondered if she could just pass along my message. I told her that I would just make myself comfortable, and wait for my supervisor. An hour and a half later the same nurse came up to me, and told me that my supervisor told me to try to schedule a meeting with her and someone from Human Resources for Monday, and we would be able to talk then. I said thank you, and left.

I took this as a little victory on my end. They weren't just trying to avoid me. They were willing to meet with me, and discuss this situation.

I tried several times to reach the Human Resources lady, but without any success. I left a message describing what my supervisor had requested. And now I am waiting.

This is why I haven't been able to sleep. This is why I am still wide awake and writing this story. In a few hours I hope to hear from Human Resources with a time that I will be able to have my meeting. Maybe I am being a little dramatic, but it seems that my future is hanging on the outcome of this meeting. I can only hope that good will come from it. That I will be able to show them that I do not need the modifications that the nurse practitioner wrote up for me. And that I can preform the job perfectly as I am. Believing that it will allow me to be able to walk out of the meeting with my job back. Believing. Hoping. Wishing. Praying.

Homebrew

2010-07-16T14:32:00.002-05:00

It's done! It took a few days. . .But I finished. I decided to make the scarf for Haylee instead of for me. She doesn't seem to like it much, but I am sure she will appreciate it when winter comes. Haha! Here are some pictures. I think that I will try again to make a Josh scarf. With better luck I hope though.

Waggy

2010-07-14T23:27:00.001-05:00

Morgan and I are crocheting scarves now. Yep. We are bored. But making the time pass. It's actually kinda fun. Morgan's is much better than mine. But...still long ways to go.

I Am The Highway

2010-07-10T15:50:00.003-05:00

Ugh... That was a long drive. So Morgan and I met up in Park City on Monday and left at about 11:30 am. We stopped in Omaha to stay the night with my Aunt Cheri. We got there at about 3:30 am. The next morning we left Omaha again around 11:30 am, and after many long hours we arrived in Mankato at 4:30 pm. It was fun. But long.

Here are some pictures from the drive.

A Fond Farewell

2010-07-06T18:09:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I left Utah. I left my family. I left my friends. I left my home. I left my truck. I left all that I knew behind me.

Today I arrived in Mankato Minnesota. Today I came to my new home. Today, I am starting life all over again.

I was very sad to leave my family. I love them very much. They are wonderful people. My parents have always been very supportive of me. And I am very grateful for that. My brothers have been my best friends all of my life. Seth and I have been very close. We have basically done everything together. He has been a great strength to me. I will miss him. Derek and I are probably more similar in life than we would admit. We are both very stubborn. We are both very strong. And this had let to many fun adventures. He is very fun to be around. I will miss him. Garrett is my youngest brother. Garrett and I have had each other our whole lives. It seems that I have always been able to talk to Garrett about whatever, and know that he has an impartial view for me. And vice versa. I will miss our conversations. And our jam sessions. And life with the Killo-G. Then there is Marissa. She is great. I will miss being able to make fun of her. She is a very caring woman. Seth is lucky to have her in his life. I will miss them individually, and I will miss them collectively.

I was able to say good-bye to some of my friends while I was in town. But there were some that I was not able to. I am very lucky to have the friends that I do. They have always been there for me. I will miss them.

The thing that I have learned about life, is that it always goes on. No matter what happens. Good or bad. And everything in between. That is my attitude right now. I have just left everything that I know behind me, to start over in Minnesota. But I know that it will all be there to welcome to back whenever I want it to. Life goes on.

For Miles

2010-07-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

Good-bye Cedar City. You have been real. You have been. . . good. It's all over now.

I left Cedar City last night around 10:30 pm. It had been a very, very long day. I finally made it into Springville at my parents house around 2:30 am. I was very tired. But safe.

My last day in Cedar was less than happy. After I had my truck fully loaded, and was getting ready to take off, a repo man came and took my truck. I had been very good about keeping up on my payments with America First. But I had been late on a personal loan, and a credit card. And they decided to take my truck as collateral. There was nothing I could do. Unless I had $6,500.00 just laying around. . . And who has that? So I quickly unloaded the stuff in my truck. And Unhooked the trailer. Then with the help of my Dad, got a 17-foot U-Haul truck. Only problem was that I needed to take the U-Haul trailer to Enterprise (45 miles west), unload the trailer and load the truck without any way to get there. Thankfully my neighbor was able to help me get the trailer to Enterprise. Then finally, 5 hours after first arriving in Enterprise, I left with the truck all loaded.

I was tired. I was sore. I was hungry. And about to pass out from heat exhaustion. But I made it back.

Good-bye Cedar City. Thank you for the memories.

Having A Blast

2010-06-27T22:27:00.003-05:00

Today Morgan and I decided to take a break from the drudgery of packing. So we went back to Kanarraville Falls. I thought this was very fitting, cause this was the first "adventure" that we had together when we first came to Cedar City. And now it will be the last. We made it to the end of the trail. It was a lot of fun. I loved it. I love adventures with Morgan. I just love her. Here are some pictures and a video from our last adventure in Cedar City.

This Time Imperfect

2010-06-26T14:07:00.003-05:00

Well, once again I am packing my life. Packing for a new adventure. A new opportunity. And a new chance to start life over again.

Last year as Morgan and I were moving down to Cedar City, I compiled my moving history. Lets just say that for someone who is only 25 years old...I have moved an awful lot in my life. Around 18 times. Give or take a few.

I have mixed emotions about this. I am very excited to start life over again. It is something that I do love. I love change. I love the chance to grow, and become stronger. But it will be different. Morgan and I will not be living together at first. There are some things that I need to work out. We are still very much together. And still very much in love. I just need some time to reconnect with myself. I think that it will be a very good thing. Something that I need. But I will be honest...I am not too thrilled about it. I love seeing her everyday. I love coming home from school or work and being there with her. I love cooking meals for us. And eating together. And falling asleep together. And everything else. I am going to miss that. Hopefully I can get it all worked out for the better.

Leaving Cedar City is going to be easier than I thought it would be. It is funny though...looking back at when we first came here, we LOVED it! We loved the scenery. We loved the availability of activities. We loved being here. We would brag about it to people. To family. To you. At some point during the past 11 months, that changed. I still find this area beautiful. I still think that there are some super fun things to be done here. But, I do not know if it is worth all the hassle that we have endured. We both came here to further our education. To work. And to experience more out of life than Utah County was offering. My job was wonderful for a month and a half. I was working full-time, and bringing in really good money. Since then I have struggled to pay for gas. School was not too great either. I will just summarize by saying that I can, and will do MUCH better. I think that I have made a few good friends here in Cedar. But altogether, I do not believe that I have ever met more selfish, backbiting people in my entire life than the people that I have met and associated with here in Cedar City. And those things have seemed to over weigh the things that we fell in love with originally.

I am moving to a beautiful new place, Mankato Minnesota. I have a full-time job that does not fluctuate hours depending on what people order from the internet. School will be better. It has to be if I am going to accomplish what I want in my life. I have no choice on the matter. And the people there are the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life. I am excited.

I am leaving a lot behind in this move. I am not talking about material possessions. I am talking about the things that actually matter in life. My family. My friends. And memories. I will miss them all. Minnesota is only two states away...1,400 miles or so. I will miss seeing my family as often as I have been afforded the opportunity here. I will miss my friends. I have some very good ones. I will miss my memories of this place. But I guess that just means that I get to make some new ones.

Down On The Street

2010-06-18T15:21:00.002-05:00

...Sigh... This wasn't really my week. Why, you ask? Well, please allow me to explain.

Last Wednesday, while I was working FedEx I back the gigantic truck into a parking space between two cars. There was plenty of room between the vehicles. As I was pulling out of the space, I cut the turn a little too early and managed to hook my FedEx truck onto the suburban. I didn't realize this until I pulled the suburban with me about 5 feet. Luckily the owner of the suburban didn't care at all. I left a few scratches on it. But that was it. I was extremely lucky!

On Monday after I was all loaded and ready to start deliveries, my truck decided to be a jerk and would not start at all. It took my boss's truck, and another driver's truck to finally get my to start. Then when I was about 10 miles out of town, and in the middle of no where doing my deliveries my truck died again. Four hours later I was able to start delivering again.

Then today I was helping out our other driver. When the day ended he parked his truck at my house so I could take the truck down to the terminal, and he could get off work a little earlier. I had a few errands to do first, so I moved the truck across the street. The without thinking I closed the door on the truck with the keys in it. Those of you who are unfamiliar with these huge nasty trucks, once a door closes, it is locked. So, I had conveniently locked the only set of keys in the truck. Needless to say at this point my boss was quite frustrated with me. We were able to use a pry bar and lift the back door. Thankfully without any damage to the truck.

What a week huh? Thankfully it is now over.

King Nothing

2010-06-10T22:13:00.001-05:00

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to work with a new surgery practice. An Orthopedic group. I say "wonderful" but by no means do I actually mean that.

This experience was possibly the worst surgery day of my life. The Doctor (although very knowledgeable) was nothing more than a pom pus jerk. For the 10 + hours I was there all that was talked about was how all the other doctors in Utah were terrible, and had no idea what they were doing. And how he was God's blessing to the world. Or, it was just straight sex talk. With every other word out of his mouth being the infamous f*** word. But it wasn't just him. Once he started, then everyone else seemed to think they could join in. And that's just what they did. Let's just say that it was less than enjoyable.

Breakthrough

2010-06-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

Well, finally I have a place to live! Wahoo!

Today I made my decision. I am not sure why it took me so long to come to this conclusion. I feel really good about it from the beginning. But I suppose that there is no harm in taking some time to make sure things are right.

If you read my last post, then you know I was debating between two places. One that was closer to the hospital. And one that was further away. Today I chose the one that is further away. It is a little more a month, but comes with so many more options. All the utilities are paid for. It is a two bedroom apartment. It comes with a washer and dryer. And a storage shed! Plus, the landlord is super nice. I really like the dude...and I've never met him yet!

With all that said, I am still a little nervous. I have not seen this place with my own eyes yet. I could be really shocked when I get there in 3 weeks. It could be a terribly nasty, dirty, disgusting place. Or it could even be better than I have imagined. I am up for a surprise either way. I feel good about it though. I am sure that everything will work out for the best!

July 5th, 2010 will be my last day in Utah. I am not sure when I will be back. I am excited for this next adventure in my life.

How's It Gonna Be

2010-06-06T18:51:00.002-05:00

The decision that I thought would come pretty easily has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be.

Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato, Minnesota wants me to start either June 21, 2010. Or July 12, 2010...all depending on when I am able to get a place to live and start working. I have narrowed my choices down to two. I feel good about both of them. One is quite larger than the other...but is farther away from the Hospital and everything else in town. One of the landlords seems really chill, the other seems rather indifferent to everything but himself. They are both about the same price. One comes with utilities paid, the other does not. One is available now, the other is not available until July 1st. One of them has a floor plan that I can view, the other I am trusting looks good. With no means to go back out to Minnesota to look and decide for myself in person, I am left to those details.

See, it is a hard decision. I need to come to a decision this week. As soon as possible. I think that I have made my mind up...I just am waiting to see if I have made the correct decision. But I don't know if I'll know that until I get there. It's turning out to be more of a leap of faith than I had thought it would be.

The Final Countdown

2010-06-01T13:16:00.002-05:00

After 7 months of waiting, I finally go to court today to fight a ridiculous traffic ticket. I ticket that has seemed to haunt me since November. If I win the court case then all of it should be taken off my record. However, if I lose then I could be looking at hundreds in fees, and possible jail time. It was stupid. It is stupid.

Oh well, lets just hope that I can win. That's all I want.

Reason Is Treason

2010-05-30T15:29:00.004-05:00

It seems that every post that I write that has anything to do with my bike is a sad post. Today follows that suit.

Morgan and I have been riding our bikes everyday lately. We have been trying to get at least 10 miles in a day. And really start our triathlon training. So today we decided to take a different path today. It was a really fun ride. About half way into it the road turned into a dirt road. Which is great since we are both riding mountain bikes. But my bike decided to be a jerk again. I was randomly thrown off my bike and directly into the path of Morgan. She maneuvered outta the way and missed running over me. Here are the after-effect pictures.

If that wasn't enough...here is a video of me riding my bike afterwards.

I walked the rest of the way. That is until I was rescued by Morgan. I love her.

Of Greetings and Goodbyes

2010-05-20T22:51:00.000-05:00

I did it! I got the job! WAHOO!

Today as I was on my way to St. George I received a phone call from area code 507. At first I didn't recognize the area code, but I answered it anyways. Good thing I did.

When Morgan and I were in Minnesota earlier this week I interviewed at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. I interviewed for either a Surgical Aide or a Surgical Technician. Both jobs have a start pay better than a Surg. Tech in Utah...so either would have been great.

I was very shocked when I was offered the position as a Surg. Tech. I promptly said "YES!" It was quite hard for me to contain my enthusiasm. It really is an answer to prayers.

It will be hard to leave all my family and friends...but I am in desperate need of a job, so I will take it! They want me to start either June 21 or July 12. Depending on when I can get housing. It will be a challenge, but it will be great. I am very very excited to start making money again.

WAHOO!

Start Again

2010-05-13T20:25:00.004-05:00

Well, I am done. I started in February, and it has taken 3 months to finish. But I am done.

I am super excited to now start on completing these goals. I set them all for a purpose. I wanted goals that would encourage me to stretch myself. I want to learn more about myself. I want to grow. And I feel that these goals can help me.

Wish me luck as I start working on them!

Sweet Talk

2010-05-12T00:03:00.003-05:00

Well, today was an adventure. Or so I was told.

Possibly the funniest thing happened today when I came home from surgery. You see, usually when I come home I follow this routine:

1. Walk in the house, and put my keys away.
2. Acknowledge that Haylee is there.
3. Find Morgan and give her a hug and a kiss.

That is the routine. But today I thought that I would mix it up a bit. So I walked in and Haylee seemed very happy to see me. So I put my bags down, and pet her for a minute. Then went and smooched Morgan and sat down on the couch. The next thing that I knew Haylee was on my lap. She then proceeded to "talk" to me. She did her little piggy talk for nearly 3 minutes. Morgan and I just looked at her, and back at each other, and back to her. She was very funny. Some days I wish I knew what she was saying. Today would have definitely been one of those days.

Far Behind

2010-05-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

Wow. I am usually very optimistic. And I started off that way. But look at it now, and you may have similar feelings as I do.

The Braves are last in their division. They started off so well! I am beginning to lose faith in them...

Oh well. It is still very early in the season. Maybe they will turn it around. Lets hope...

Fat Lip

2010-05-06T21:39:00.000-05:00

Hahaha! Ohk...so that may not be the best title there could be. Oh well. It is somewhat applicable. Hopefully you'll be able to see why.

So my first week at the Oral Surgery rotation is over. It has been very very interesting. I have enjoyed it. The doctor is super chill. And the girls that work there are very nice and fun to work with. I told the doctor that I am working on going into dental school, and had thought about oral surgery a long time ago. And since then he has kinda taken me under his wing and explained everything that he does. It has been really cool. Kinda like I am his apprentice. It has been fun.

We have done quite a few different procedures during this week. It was weird at first to have the patient awake and conscious through some of them. I wasn't used to that at all... It's cool that there is the full dental side to things, and then the surgery side too. I have enjoyed it a lot so far. And the doctor said that next week he is going to have me do some procedures. Wahoo!

Wonder What's Next?

2010-04-30T19:00:00.001-05:00

Well that was quick. Two weeks ago I started my first surgical rotation. And today that rotation is over. It went by rather quickly. And let me just say this...I am good. I wish there was a more humble way to say that...but I haven't found that yet.

This was a great experience for me. I was thrown right into it all. And for me, that is the best way for me to learn.

During the past two weeks, I was in on over 35 surgeries. All but two on my own. I had some great help though. I really enjoyed the people that I worked with. They were very caring, and very nice. Not to mention their patience on explaining procedures with me. I really appreciated that.

When everyone found out that today was my last day, they all rushed over to give me a hug, and also their personal information so that I could use them for references. It was a good way to leave. It is nice to know that I am appreciated. And looked up to.

My next rotation is with an Oral Surgeon. I am excited! I think that it will be very helpful for me trying to get into Dental School. I think that I will be able to learn a lot of useful information for me!

Ballad Of Big Nothing

2010-04-19T22:27:00.001-05:00

February 9, 2009. That was the day that started. That was the day that I began my career as a Surgical Technologist. Many classes, and many tests, and a lot (and I mean A LOT) of stress, and issues, and hoops, and problems finally lead to today. April 19, 2010.

Today was the first day that I actually did what I started back in February of 2009. I scrubbed in for my first surgery.

It was a very slow day at the surgery center. Only 3 cases. As opposed to around 15-20 a day. I had 2 of those 3. The first was a umbilical hernia repair. It was actually a very big hernia. Bigger than the surgeon had expected. And the woman was far bigger than I had expected... I basically did this entire surgery on my own. I had a preceptor there to help me when I needed it. But he didn't do much at all. I was very surprised by how well I did. I was on top of everything. I wasn't nervous or stressed at all. I was very calm, and confident. After the surgery was complete, both surgeons, the circulating nurse, and John (my preceptor) told me how impressed they were with how well I did. They said that I never made a single mistake or error, and knew what I was doing. It was a nice compliment. I made me feel very good. I have always known that I can do this. And that I am good at it. But it is nice to hear it from someone else besides Morgan and my family. Someone who does this everyday as a profession.

The second case was much different. It was a laparoscopic cholesystectomy. Basically a removal of the gall bladder with a scope. I was in charge of the scope and camera. It was with the same surgeons, and with John again. I was very surprised how amazingly clear the camera was. It was inserted through the belly button, and I moved and controlled it through a sheath. This was supposed to be a simple surgery. 20-30 minutes at the most. Complications kept coming up. And 1 1/2 hours into it, the surgeon decides to take a different approach. By this time, I am starting to get really tired. I couldn't move much while I was controlling the camera. One move on my end would throw the surgeons off on their end, and this may just lead to more complications. I did my best to limit all of my movements. This was very hard for me. My knee was throbbing. I was sweating very badly. I started to feel light-headed. And then before I knew it, I was spinning, and my vision was gone. Luckily I reacted quickly. I told John I was about to pass out. I quickly gave the surgeon control of the camera and sat down on the floor. I was so sick. My head was spinning. The anesthesiologist came over and helped me. Next thing I knew I was in the lounge with a doughnut and orange juice. I felt like such a wimp. But everyone told me that it happens all the time. Especially when a person (like me) skips breakfast, and then expects to keep up their strength through a long procedure like that. Oh well. Now I know.

Altogether I think that I had a good day. Oh, I made a good observation today. While I was attending my school. I would often get nervous when my teacher would be doing a mock surgery with me. Not because I didn't have confidence in myself. But because my teacher would inspire that nervousness. Instead of a positive learning atmosphere, it was basically one of fear. Always knowing that you would do your best, and no matter what you did, it was wrong. Today, my first day of being a scrub. Doing something that I really hadn't done before. And doing it all on my own. I wasn't nervous at all. I knew what I was supposed to do. And I did it. Does that say something with my school and teacher...?

The River Is Wild

2010-04-14T19:58:00.003-05:00

I am tired. I am now one and a half weeks into my internship. I have basically worked 10 hours a day everyday since Monday the 5th. 10 hours a day isn't bad...but 10 hours of standing on my feet all day, doing the same repetitive thing gets long. And boring. But mainly long. Only two more days of Central Processing. Then I am off to Utah Valley Outpatient Center for actual surgeries!

I've also been busy keeping up with all my SUU homework. I need to do a better job...I just get tired. However, I know that if I set aside the time to do it, that I actually would get it down. I am just a procrastinator by heart, and too get at making excuses. It is something that I want to work on.

I am enjoying being with my family. They are very good, caring people. And it is nice to spend more than a few hours with them. I do love them.

I am really missing Morgan. It has been 10 days since I last saw her. I miss everything about her. I miss the way she feels. The way she looks. The way she smells. The way she tastes. The way we could just sit next to her on the couch, and talk. The way I feel when I am next to her. The way I feel when I crawl into bed with her. The way I feel when I kiss her. I just miss her.

I know I will be with her soon. And that makes me happy. I love her.

For What It's Worth

2010-04-06T00:01:00.002-05:00

I have wanted to do this for a while. I am just lazy, and forget. But I am proud to present my official review blog here!

I have created this blog to be used as an educational tool. Not a place for me to complain or gripe about something. But I don't want it to be all about me. I would like to hear every ones thoughts on the subjects discussed! Whatever those subjects may be.

Until The End

2010-04-05T23:26:00.002-05:00

...Finally. It has officially begun.

Today marked the beginning of my internship. 8 1/2 hours down, and only 531 1/2 left. Yikes! Oh well. I think that it will go by fairly quick. (I hope so anyways!)

For the next two weeks I will be in Utah Valley Regional Medical Center's Central Processing.(UVRMC CP.) For those of you who do not know what Central Processing is, allow me to instruct you. It is a lot of work! Basically in CP I pull case carts (all the stuff needed for a surgery), clean instruments, and repackage instruments into their specific cases. It is very very very repetitive. However, all the workers there seem to really enjoy their jobs. So maybe it was just a repetitive day for me...who knows. I am not complaining. I am excited to have finally started. I think that this will be a very good start for me too. It will help me learn new instruments. And help me to be quick and efficient during surgery.

On a positive note, my supervisor in CP told me that I can basically work as many hours as I would like while I am there. And I plan on taking her up on that!