I'm Sorry

A beautiful rose blooms,

It grows and matures.

Others bask in its beauty,

And share in the natural joy.

The rose is tender and young,

And continues to grow on its own.

Living and breathing,

The rose pushes on.

Scared for the rose,

The gardener holds it tight.

Thinking he's saving it,

He presses it even harder.

Now what was once beautiful,

Lies broken in his hands.

Unable to let go,

The gardener weeps.

The beautiful rose,

His cherished love.

Crushed by his grip,

The beauty is gone.

Learning How To Smile

Yay for Christmas! It has always been my favorite time of the year. My favorite holiday, by far! It has been nice to spend it with my family. They are really wonderful people. And have made it a special Christmas. I thank them for that.

My family draws names for who we get gifts from, and who we give Christmas gifts to. I drew Seth's name. But due to circumstances, was not able to give him more than a Coca-Cola and a candy bar. Derek drew my name, and gave me some wonderful gifts. He went out of his way for me. Thanks Derkinra!

There was a moment when I got really upset with things though. We went over to Seth and Marissa's place to see what they got for Christmas. While Seth was showing what he got and I got so mad. Not at them. Not that they got different Christmas gifts...but mad that his life is progressing. And mine is not.

Then I got mad that I can't even be happy on Christmas. That the only way that I can be really happy is when I think of the future. That I will be happy when I get my life in order. Or when I am in Dental School. Or when Morgan and I are back together, and enjoying life together. And that really irritated me. I should be able to find happiness in whatever situation I find myself in. But lately, the only time I find me being happy is when I look to the future. And that is something that I would like to change.

It isn't fair to me. It isn't fair to my family. It isn't fair to Morgan. I need to be able to find happiness with myself, and not rely on other people to provide that for me. I need to be complete.

One step at a time though. Change will come. Things will progress. I can't expect all these big changes to occur in one week. But I can be happy and enjoying life in the mean time. And that is my goal now.

Fairytale Of New York

It was Christmas eve babe
In the drunk tank.
An old man said to me, "Won't see another one."
And then he sang a song,
'The Rare Old Mountain Dew.'
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you.

Got on a lucky one,
Came in eighteen to one.
I had a feeling
That year's for me and you.
Said 'happy Christmas,
I love you baby.
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true.'

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold.
But the wind goes right through you
Its no place for the old.
When I first took your hand
All your fingers were blue,
But I promised you Broadway was waiting for you.

I was handsome,
You were pretty;
Queen of new york city.
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more.
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing,
And we kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night.

And the boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay,
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

The apartment was cluttered,
And it smelled like the gutter.
Where my sad broken promises
Lay with the trash.
Every cold dreary night
We'd end up in a fight
And I'd pray as you'd yell
That a train'd rattle past.

And the boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay,
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

I could have been someone
You said "So could anyone."
And that I took your dreams from you
When first you found me.
But I kept them with me babe,
I put them with my own.
I can't make it all alone
I built my dreams around you.

It's Christmas eve again, in the drunk tank.
I'm an old man now, I won't see another one.
So I'll a sing a song, and sleep when I am through.
And dream of another life--where all our dreams came true.

I Knew You Before

1,200 miles. 22 hours. And we're back in Utah!

It was actually not as long as a drive as I thought it may have been. Morgan and I had some good conversations. I will be honest though...yesterday was quite rough. I cried quite a few times. I broke down a lot. And hurt inside even more. I wanted so desperately for us to be together. I wanted to touch her, to kiss her. To hold her hand. To rest my hand on her leg. To feel the connection that I have felt before. To be validated in our love. But, as I realized, that isn't helping...ME.

Those things, although they mean the world to me, have continually hurt me. I take a strong hold on these moments, and cherish them. And that isn't a bad thing, but when I focus on them and not my problems, they become bad. They become detrimental to me.

I think that is why I struggled so much yesterday. And why this has been so hard on me. And to be honest, I haven't really approached this the way that I should. I have been trying to fix this problem for me. But not entirely. I have wanted to fix it, while Morgan and I are still together. And still essentially a couple.

I need to be more serious about this. If I don't fix this now, and Morgan and I eventually break-up completely, then I will just take these trends and this problem that I have onto the next relationship. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have prolly had this problem my whole life. But it has been masked by "caring" or "love" or whatever other positive thing. And again, those are great qualities. But there really needs to be a limit. I need to be the most important person in my life. I do. Then I will be able to take care of those around me. Without it being detrimental to me.

I love Morgan so very much. I respect and love her for what she is doing for me now. She saw a serious problem. She tried many approaches to help me fix this. But when they eventually failed, she took a harder approach. And I am very grateful to her for that. I don't love this situation at all. But I recognize that this really is the best thing for me. I need to find myself again. And she is helping me to do that. She is standing right behind me, supporting me. And loving me from afar, rather than up close. She is sacrificing too. I realize that. And I love her for that. She is a very wonderful and caring person. Who desperately wants the best for me.

I can do it. I can honestly say that I am confident now. I don't need to spend any more time trying to dissect my problem. I see it now, and now need to devote my time and energy to fixing it. I need to be strong. I need to stand up for me, and what will be best for me. No matter how hard that will be. I need to really start taking care of me. Me first. Then I will be able to help others. But only then.

I can do it. I can!

Losing Touch

I am tired.

Tired of having mental break downs every five minutes. Honestly, I don't really have any tears left to cry.

I am really thinking that there is more to this codependency than I originally thought. I have lost all self-worth. All self-esteem. I really have lost touch with who I am.

And I hate that.

I Get It

I've been fighting a fight that I never really understood until now. And I still don't fully understand it, but I now know what I am fighting.

It is referred to as co-dependency. And it is a mental illness.

Essentially it means is that I put the needs of everyone else far above the needs of myself. I have begun to live my life for other people. And nearly everything that I do is for someone else. Not for me. I have been so focused and obsessed with making sure that people are taken care of. More than my responsibility should have been. I have been addicted. And like any addiction, it has sent my life on a downward spiral.

There are steps that I can take to fix this. It is something that is fixed through behavior modification, not chemical modification. I am hoping to meet with a therapist within the upcoming week. And I have found a local support group that I plan on attending.

Recognition is the first step towards fixing anything. And I recognize this.

Codependency

So Strange I Remember You

How is it that I am so thick?! Yesterday I cashed my check from work. I came home and wrote out a budget for the month. It took me nearly two hours. After I finished I saw that I had about $50.00 left over, so my very first thought was: "I should go to the mall and get Morgan something for Christmas". This is after we had talked and decided that we were not going to do gifts this year. And after I had already bought her other Christmas stuff a month ago. (Granted, all but one of those items were returned...) And I didn't go and buy these gifts because I thought Morgan secretly wanted something. She made herself very clear to me. I bought them because I NEEDED to go and spend this money. I needed to.

Am I just incapable of addressing my needs? I wrote out that budget, but forgot about the fact that I don't even have car insurance and the money I spent on Morgan would cover that for me. I am finding that I constantly justify and rationalize anything that I want. I wanted to get her something nice for Christmas...so what do I do? I convince myself that I can afford it, and go and spend the money that I don't have.

I think that I am making some good progress towards these issues. I have a long term goal, and many short term goals. I have a plan on how I will accomplish each of my goals. I have met with financial counselors to see what advice they have for me. But is all that gonna matter when I just rationalize whatever the hell I want?

My friends know I do this. My family knows I do this. Morgan knows I do this. Why can't I see it? It is a problem that I have had my whole life. And quite frankly, I am very good at it. I am good at getting what I want. But I can't seem to grasp reality. Even when I think I am, I still justify and rationalize everything.

Morgan is a very wonderful person. She loves me. She proves that to me time and time again. She has been very tolerable and patient towards me and my actions. I never ever thought that these characteristics would be so detrimental to me and to my relationships. But they have. I have neglected myself and my basic human needs in order to get what I want...what I have rationalized. By her stepping out of our relationship, I am forced to reflect on myself. And take care of ME. And that is something that I have needed to do for a long time.

I need to find myself again. I need to embrace reality. I need to take care of me. There is a time and a place for addressing the needs of those I love. But how can I do it, if I am not taking care of me?

I love her so much. And that love has kinda poisoned me. I have been addicted to her for a long time. And pulling away has been hard. It is hard. But it is necessary if I am ever gonna be the Josh that I was when we first started dating. The Josh that moved down to Cedar City with her. I know that he still exists. I just need to bring him to the surface again. I need to be a complete person by myself. And that means addressing and taking care of me.

On The Floor

Over two years ago Morgan told me that Haylee has a religious following. This is for her dearly devoted. It is not the greatest video that I have ever made. But I think it does the job. :-)

I love this dog. I really don't know what I would do without her. She is our little angel.

All The Small Things

Morgan and I have been on "break" status for a week now.

It has been a hard week. I would be liar if I said that I have not struggled with things. I find that every chance I get to talk with Morgan I am trying to "define" things. And hash-out the problems. Something that I know can be wearing on a person. But I haven't done it for that reason. I would never.

I have a very logical mind. I see a problem, and naturally come up with the most logical solution for it. I have always been this way. I think it is one of the reason that I handle stress so well. And really crappy situations well. I don't allow myself to freak out, or get stressed. I fix things as soon as possible, in a calm and orderly way. And I love it. I love to know that whatever happens in my life, that I will be able to react in this fashion.

But I think that the reason that I have been going back to Morgan, and trying to "hash" things out with her. And to find a "definition" for this problem that we find ourselves in, is simple; because I have allowed myself to not see the problem. Honestly. And talking with her, and trying to understand her viewpoint has helped me out a lot. Allow me to explain.

For over a year Morgan has been telling me to go and hang out with friends. She has been telling me that I need to be more social. That I need to be out living my life rather than sitting at home, waiting for her to come back. I have argued that I don't need friends. That I have enough friends back in Provo and Springville (during Cedar City times), and back in Utah (for Minnesota times). I have told her that I have work friends and that I really don't need any others. Now you can call me a liar. Because I was. I knew that when I was saying all this, and trying to convince her of it that I was right. I would think that she wanted me to go out and have fun with other people because she didn't wanna spend time with me. That she was sick of me. Or whatever dumb reason that crossed my mind. And believe I KNOW how pathetic that all sounds. I had no reason to think these things. Morgan has always been supportive of me. She has always been loving and appreciative of all the things that I have done for her. So why would she be "sick of being around me"? I admit, it makes NO sense at all.

I have gained prolly forty pounds or so since we started dating. I am not proud of that. Some days I would see Morgan acting a little different towards me, and have naturally thought that it is because of my weight gain. Even when I have asked her about it directly, and she tells me that she loves me no matter what. So I would start a diet, and start exercising more often. Something that I love. I love to run. And lift weights. And exercise. It is one of my favorite things to do. But I would do all these things for the purpose of fixing that small issue that I saw in our relationship. Even though I was told that it was not an issue at all. So ask me now if I have lost that weight yet...

There have been many many more instances that I could describe. Some that are far too personal to share to any random reader. Or even to my Mom, because I think that it is only her and Morgan that read this...

But with all this "hashing-out" that we have done lately I have made some very good discoveries. I know that this sounds incredibly cocky, but I think that I am a very smart person. My grades will suggest otherwise. But I have never really ever had to study for any test. Yet always get one of the top (if not the very top) score in my classes. I have a near-perfect photographic memory. That has always come in handy. But with all this, I have some how missed some of the most obvious things in life.

Morgan wasn't telling me to go and be with friends because she didn't wanna hang out with me. She simply saw the obvious fact that I was sacrificing who I was in order to somehow spend an extra five minutes with her. She wanted me to go out and have fun, and be ME. People need a break from each other all the time. I remember my parents saying that to me quite a bit. But with me being around all the time, I never really gave her a break. And more especially, I never gave myself a break. I liked always being there for her. Being ready for her every beck and call. I know that sounds ridiculous. I do. Now.

I think that the reason why I have never really lost any weight while on a diet or exercising like a mad man is very simple: I wasn't doing it for me. That prolly doesn't make much sense, I am dieting and exercising, how is it not beneficial for me? I don't think that I really was doing it for me. I saw the problem as a couple. And tried to address and correct the problem as a couple. Not as an individual trying to correct a very individual problem.

I have been so focused on the "us" between me and Morgan. And have completely neglected the "me". Which was something so very prevalent in our early days of dating. There was Josh. There was Morgan. And there was us. But lately (and I mean, the last year and a half) there has been Morgan, and there has been us. Josh somehow forgot who and what he was.

Now the real pathetic thing to all this is I know better. I have always, always been an individual person. I loved the person that I was. Somehow I allowed myself to get so caught up in being a couple that I forgot that I even existed. Morgan has been pointing this out to me for a long time. But I have been to stubborn to see it. She has been really patient and hopeful that I would just take care of it... But I didn't. And not because I didn't want to fix the problem, but simply because I didn't see the problem.

Notice how many times the word "I" has appeared? This is about me. This is about me.

Last night I looked through one of our old facebook photo albums. I saw a different couple than I see today. One picture in particular stood out to me. I starred into our eyes, they were just so full of love for each other. We were so much happier. We were a couple, yet individuals at the same time.

I don't know when I lost focus of my needs. I really wonder at what point that happened. But I do know that I need to take care of them. I need to exist in my own life before I can expect to exist in someone else's also. I realize that this is not the only issue at hand between Morgan and I. I would be a fool to say so. I also know that this will take some time to be fixed.

Friday night I went and saw a movie with a co-worker, The Next Three Days. I really enjoyed it. And had a lot of fun. This is the first time that I have done anything for myself since... July of 2009??? It was long over-due.

The whole message behind this blog is quite simple... I understand. I finally understand.

The Artist In The Ambulance

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel

My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the

Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

The Artist In The Ambulance

Dammit

Today I went in for my follow-up appointment with Dr Kearney. He says that my knee is healing up really nice. He was impressed with how quickly I heal. I am always happy to hear that.

He also told me about the problem that he found while in surgery. Basically the cartilage on my knee is falling off. The articular cartilage that holds the femur to the knee joint and tibia is either cracked and going to completely split from the femur, or is bubbling up (similar to a blister) and will "pop" off.

So surgically speaking there are two approaches. 1; open the knee, remove the torn cartilage completely from the knee, and micro-fracture my femur. Which essentially means that after they cut the cartilage away they will drill 20-50 tiny holes into my femur and let it bleed and hope that the body will naturally repair the bone and cartilage. I would be on crutches for 6 weeks, minimum. With no weight bearing at all with my right leg. 2; open the knee, clean the torn cartilage, and place plastic anchors into my femur through the destroyed cartilage. Basically the same thing that I had done in 2008 on my right shoulder. This would also be 6 weeks of crutches and no weight bearing.

Tomorrow I am having another MRI to hopefully see which one would be best. Right now I am indifferent towards it all. They would both suck. 6 weeks of crutches would be hell. Anyone who has had to use crutches knows my pain. It would also make work difficult, considering I also do surgery. I would make it work. I am no wimp, so I would find a way to make sure that I could go into work everyday.

I am saddened by all this though. I was really hoping that last weeks surgery would be my last. I am only 25 years old, and have already had all of my major joints operated on. Some twice. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed and am falling apart (quite literally now with my knee...). I am not complaining, or looking for sympathy. Just trying to work things out in my mind.

I asked Dr Kearney what he thought would have caused all this, and he just said the only thing that he could think of would be a major blunt trauma. Like me jumping off some incredible height and landing very hard on my feet, without cushioning my knee at all. But if that were the case then I would have the same problem with my left knee, right? So I have no idea what caused all this. But he also said that it is something that has been happening for quite some time. At least a year and a half. And it will not heal on its own.

I know that things will work out. I am staying positive. That is all that I can do.

On a side note, here is an article that kinda describes what is happening with my knee. It is a fairly interesting read.