So Strange I Remember You

How is it that I am so thick?! Yesterday I cashed my check from work. I came home and wrote out a budget for the month. It took me nearly two hours. After I finished I saw that I had about $50.00 left over, so my very first thought was: "I should go to the mall and get Morgan something for Christmas". This is after we had talked and decided that we were not going to do gifts this year. And after I had already bought her other Christmas stuff a month ago. (Granted, all but one of those items were returned...) And I didn't go and buy these gifts because I thought Morgan secretly wanted something. She made herself very clear to me. I bought them because I NEEDED to go and spend this money. I needed to.

Am I just incapable of addressing my needs? I wrote out that budget, but forgot about the fact that I don't even have car insurance and the money I spent on Morgan would cover that for me. I am finding that I constantly justify and rationalize anything that I want. I wanted to get her something nice for Christmas...so what do I do? I convince myself that I can afford it, and go and spend the money that I don't have.

I think that I am making some good progress towards these issues. I have a long term goal, and many short term goals. I have a plan on how I will accomplish each of my goals. I have met with financial counselors to see what advice they have for me. But is all that gonna matter when I just rationalize whatever the hell I want?

My friends know I do this. My family knows I do this. Morgan knows I do this. Why can't I see it? It is a problem that I have had my whole life. And quite frankly, I am very good at it. I am good at getting what I want. But I can't seem to grasp reality. Even when I think I am, I still justify and rationalize everything.

Morgan is a very wonderful person. She loves me. She proves that to me time and time again. She has been very tolerable and patient towards me and my actions. I never ever thought that these characteristics would be so detrimental to me and to my relationships. But they have. I have neglected myself and my basic human needs in order to get what I want...what I have rationalized. By her stepping out of our relationship, I am forced to reflect on myself. And take care of ME. And that is something that I have needed to do for a long time.

I need to find myself again. I need to embrace reality. I need to take care of me. There is a time and a place for addressing the needs of those I love. But how can I do it, if I am not taking care of me?

I love her so much. And that love has kinda poisoned me. I have been addicted to her for a long time. And pulling away has been hard. It is hard. But it is necessary if I am ever gonna be the Josh that I was when we first started dating. The Josh that moved down to Cedar City with her. I know that he still exists. I just need to bring him to the surface again. I need to be a complete person by myself. And that means addressing and taking care of me.