Blanket Of Ghosts

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old St. Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kissed your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

Final Goodbye

It's here. I am all packed. The apartment is clean. Derek is on his way. It's all done. And about to be over.

Life is a very interesting thing. I am about to close the door to a part of my life, just to open the door to an unknown future. I have the choice to stand between the two doors and contemplate about what has brought me to this interchange. Or I can take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever comes.

Living in Mankato has been a very good experience for me. I have learned and grown in ways that I never thought I could. I have had dozens of life lessons thrown at me. And I have made some great friends. I have been very fortunate to have lived here, and to have associated with many great people. I really am thankful for all those who have helped me become the better person that I am today.

I will be taking that step towards my future soon. It will be a very hard step to take. But I think each and every step will get easier. I have the great opportunity to apply the things that I have learned with a blank slate. I am very lucky for that. I have great family and friends to support me. In Utah, and in Minnesota.

The other day I was "stumbling", and came across a quote from Dr. Seuss that has really stood out to me lately. He said:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I am trying to remember that. It gets hard sometimes when I get nostalgic, but these memories are part of who I am. And I am very grateful for all of them, and their accompanying adventures! I have had a wonderful life here, and had great friends. I just have to remember that it really isn't "good-bye" at all... Just "see ya later". 

Thank you Mankato. I will miss you.

Nobody's Listening

...Nobody's listening... Well that is what I thought.

I have a habit of singing along to my music when I am home just doing whatever. I seem to do it with every song that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I am a little self conscious of my singing. Some time I am very confident in my voice, other times not so much...

Yesterday I was in the mood for some real singing...and with Morgan being cast as Carlotta in The Phantom of The Opera, I decided that I would sing some Phantom songs. So I am in my room cleaning and packing things up for the move, belting The Point of No Return, when the next thing I know I hear clapping. I look up and see my roommate, Kyle, standing there with a big smile on his face. Apparently he had been there for the full song, and I was too oblivious to notice.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed...

Moving On

It is kind of a bittersweet feeling... But I have made my decision. I am moving back to Utah.

As you know this has been something that I have been contemplating for quite a while now. I wrestled with the idea during the summer then decided to stay here. But now with the recent changes that have taken place in my life I do feel that leaving Mankato is the best option for me.

This will however, be a very hard thing for me to do.

It is nearing two years since Morgan and I first talked about moving to Minnesota. At that time I didn't give it much thought. I knew that Morgan would go where ever she could get accepted into school for her MFA. And I knew that if I could get a job in that same area, that I would follow her.

Morgan was accepted into Minnesota State University, Mankato. I was hired as a Surgical Tech at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. The beginning of July of last year we found ourselves starting a new life in Minnesota.

I soon lost the job that I was promised, but luckily found a very good job that kept me in Mankato, and near my little family. Not many months after that I lost that family also, and life in Minnesota took a turn.

Now as I am waxing nostalgic I realize that this is the end of an era for me. And that is kinda hard to admit, but even harder to fathom.

I don't know how healthy it would be for me to sit here and write about all the memories that are flooding my brain right now. I will be honest and say that when Morgan and I started dating, the only time that I saw us apart was when I died at age 83. I know that was silly and naive, but truth is I loved her more that any one else that I had ever dated. And was willing to do anything to hold onto her. It turned out that life had a different plan for us.

Morgan is still my best friend. We still talk and text and see each other regularly. And that is something that I love. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are FRIENDS and only friends, but we seem to manage it quite well. Her better than me.

Now as I try to figure out this move, I am realizing that our relationship will never be the same again. Once great friends who became lovers who became friends again... She has her life to live, and I will have mine. And I know that realistically we won't be in each others lives as much as we have been in the past. And that is something that makes me very sad. I will be saying "good-bye" to a part of my life that has meant so so much to me. It will be a very hard thing for me to do. I was never good with good-byes while we were together, and this one will be ever harder. But I know that it is something that I will need to do.

I did say this was a bittersweet feeling... That was the bitter. Now for the sweet.

I have my whole life in front of me again. I do feel that I needed to move to Minnesota with Morgan. There were life lessons that I needed to learn, and I think that they could only have come from the situations that I found myself in while living here. Now I get the chance to apply those lessons. And that is an exciting thought. I have numberless possibilities ahead.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I know that He has a plan for each of us. I know that Morgan was meant to be in my life. I know that we were meant to live and experience the things that we did.  I know that moving to Minnesota was something that I needed to do. I am very grateful for the lessons and the experiences that I have had here. I am very grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have Morgan in my life for as long as I did. She is a very wonderful, caring person. She has sacrificed a lot to help me become the better person that I am today. And I do wish her the best in her life. I will always love her for all that she has done for me. She will always have a place in my heart. As well as Haylee.

In October of 2009 I wrote a blog explaining why I title my entries with song names. Today's entry speaks for itself. This really is me moving on. This is me taking the opportunity to live my life, and experience all that I can. This is me getting a chance to start over completely fresh. This is me saying "good-bye" to those I love, and saying "hello" to limitless possibilities. This is me moving on.

Bling (Confession Of A King)

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.

Anthology

Our lives built on tin cans and string
But the cornerstone laid is a wondrous and beautiful thing
Sure in the ground

While the North wind is taking it's toll
You have helped me to find my way back and to anchor my soul
Safe in the sound

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

I bragged of bearing my bones
Said if we heard the howling
I'd run out to face it alone
To meet it half way

But I've still got badges to earn
So keep sifting my soul
Cause I think that I'm starting to learn
To love you that way

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope
Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say
Come what may

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

This Circus

The more I think about it, the more I think that this blog is aptly named... The Adventures Of Josh. I would now like to share some of my recent adventures with you.

I have been having some really long, long days lately. I started waking up super early (for me its ridiculously early) at 5:30 and doing some cardio at the gym. Which usually means that I am running 3-5 miles in the hour that I am there. Then going straight to work. And working through my breaks, staying late, and dealing with the annoying/problematic patients. And being the last to leave. Then coming home, eating some sorta something for dinner, then going to the gym to do some weight training. Then finally come home again, extremely exhausted from the day. Now I realize that this may be a normal day for some people, but lately for me it has been too much.

On one such occasion I came home from a late night work out at the gym. Mixed me up a protein shake, then sat down on the floor to take my shoes off. Next thing I know it is 7:55 in the morning and I have 5 minutes to get to work! I don't think that I have ever been that tired before. Or slept that well on the floor... Ha! Needless to say, I took a few mornings off.

Last summer when Morgan and I moved to Mankato we were very surprised at the amount of mosquitoes that are here. But we learned quickly to take a garlic pill once a day, and it would help to limit (yes, I did mean limit) the amount of bites we would get. This year, I really wished I woulda remembered that wonderful little supplement. I have become a pin cushion. A very itchy pin cushion.

My ADHD has been getting the best of me again... I have started to redecorate my apartment. It seems that this type of thing happens about every six months or so. I can't help it though...I just get bored of everything staying that same! Can ya blame me?! So I have copied some of the projects that Morgan and I did in the past, and am doing them for me now. Just the Josh version of things. I hope that they turn out alright...

The past few weeks I have been pretty busy directing a show called; Horns. It is a short (10 minute) play for a performance called The Coffee Shop Tales. It has been a lot of fun for me. And good to get my theatre fix in. I took over for Morgan before she went on vacation. I think that the show turned out really well. And I had a lot of fun directing it. Theatre is a talent that I need to use more often.

I NEED A VACATION!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned that FedEx called me outta the blue and offered me a part-time job with them. I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and saw it as a huge answer to all those prayers. Well, a week or so later they have told me that I will not be driving for them. All because of all those problems that I had in Cedar City with those few tickets that I got while driving for FedEx. I am honestly pretty upset about it. Ohk... Very upset by it. What was the whole point of me being offered the job if it wasn't going to work out? I just don't get it. So basically, I am clueless again, and tired of my life being a constant circus.

Give Me One Good Reason

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!

Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Weigh On My Mind

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Call Me In The Morning

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...