Momma Sed

Wake up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
Changes come.
Life will have its way with your pride, son.
Take it like a man.

Hang on, son of mine.
A storm is blowing on the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Listen up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
All about growing pains.
Life will pound away where the light don't shine, son.

Take it like a man.
Suck it up, son of mine.
Thunder blowing up the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road.
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain,
This too shall pass like a kidney stone.
It's just a broken heart, son.
This pain will pass away.

It Begins Tonight

I have never really been one for New Years Resolutions... But with that said, I have appreciated the chance to evaluate for self improvement. And that is precisely what this is.

A few months back I was browsing on the bodybuilding.com website and found a diet plan/training routine that looked simply amazing. Basically it is a 12 week long very strict diet and exercise plan. You can look it up here, just in case you want some more info about it. Upon seeing that this was for 12 long, grueling weeks I decided that I would wait until the new year to start up. Not necessarily as a new years resolution, but I knew that I would just be setting myself up for failure if I started during the Holiday Season. So it officially begins tomorrow. And I am very excited! Honestly, I have been looking forward to starting this since I discovered it back in November. And I know that I have written many entries about me and losing weight and blah blah blah... But so what. I am excited!

A few days ago I had the idea that I could branch this 12 week transformation off from just a physical improvement to all aspects of my life. So that is what I am going to do. I am very excited to start this. I am ready!

Arise

 So I clamber off
Into a realm
Of what's possible
Give us a look
So we may show
The animal
He wants you to know

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside

Like a fool caught red-handed
To play out as they wish
I'd take a life of raw emotion
Than a life of content till death
Well, at least you'd know
No apologies for starters
Go and seek yourself

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
Listen
You
No sign of life
Watch you save up
To pay no mind
But it's better not to behave
Clever not to be changed by them
Better not to behave
Clever not to be changed

Arise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise
Our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's always almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
This one, this one's almost always
Given, listen to its heartbeat
This one's done

Blanket Of Ghosts

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old St. Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kissed your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

Final Goodbye

It's here. I am all packed. The apartment is clean. Derek is on his way. It's all done. And about to be over.

Life is a very interesting thing. I am about to close the door to a part of my life, just to open the door to an unknown future. I have the choice to stand between the two doors and contemplate about what has brought me to this interchange. Or I can take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever comes.

Living in Mankato has been a very good experience for me. I have learned and grown in ways that I never thought I could. I have had dozens of life lessons thrown at me. And I have made some great friends. I have been very fortunate to have lived here, and to have associated with many great people. I really am thankful for all those who have helped me become the better person that I am today.

I will be taking that step towards my future soon. It will be a very hard step to take. But I think each and every step will get easier. I have the great opportunity to apply the things that I have learned with a blank slate. I am very lucky for that. I have great family and friends to support me. In Utah, and in Minnesota.

The other day I was "stumbling", and came across a quote from Dr. Seuss that has really stood out to me lately. He said:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I am trying to remember that. It gets hard sometimes when I get nostalgic, but these memories are part of who I am. And I am very grateful for all of them, and their accompanying adventures! I have had a wonderful life here, and had great friends. I just have to remember that it really isn't "good-bye" at all... Just "see ya later". 

Thank you Mankato. I will miss you.

Nobody's Listening

...Nobody's listening... Well that is what I thought.

I have a habit of singing along to my music when I am home just doing whatever. I seem to do it with every song that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I am a little self conscious of my singing. Some time I am very confident in my voice, other times not so much...

Yesterday I was in the mood for some real singing...and with Morgan being cast as Carlotta in The Phantom of The Opera, I decided that I would sing some Phantom songs. So I am in my room cleaning and packing things up for the move, belting The Point of No Return, when the next thing I know I hear clapping. I look up and see my roommate, Kyle, standing there with a big smile on his face. Apparently he had been there for the full song, and I was too oblivious to notice.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed...

Moving On

It is kind of a bittersweet feeling... But I have made my decision. I am moving back to Utah.

As you know this has been something that I have been contemplating for quite a while now. I wrestled with the idea during the summer then decided to stay here. But now with the recent changes that have taken place in my life I do feel that leaving Mankato is the best option for me.

This will however, be a very hard thing for me to do.

It is nearing two years since Morgan and I first talked about moving to Minnesota. At that time I didn't give it much thought. I knew that Morgan would go where ever she could get accepted into school for her MFA. And I knew that if I could get a job in that same area, that I would follow her.

Morgan was accepted into Minnesota State University, Mankato. I was hired as a Surgical Tech at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. The beginning of July of last year we found ourselves starting a new life in Minnesota.

I soon lost the job that I was promised, but luckily found a very good job that kept me in Mankato, and near my little family. Not many months after that I lost that family also, and life in Minnesota took a turn.

Now as I am waxing nostalgic I realize that this is the end of an era for me. And that is kinda hard to admit, but even harder to fathom.

I don't know how healthy it would be for me to sit here and write about all the memories that are flooding my brain right now. I will be honest and say that when Morgan and I started dating, the only time that I saw us apart was when I died at age 83. I know that was silly and naive, but truth is I loved her more that any one else that I had ever dated. And was willing to do anything to hold onto her. It turned out that life had a different plan for us.

Morgan is still my best friend. We still talk and text and see each other regularly. And that is something that I love. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are FRIENDS and only friends, but we seem to manage it quite well. Her better than me.

Now as I try to figure out this move, I am realizing that our relationship will never be the same again. Once great friends who became lovers who became friends again... She has her life to live, and I will have mine. And I know that realistically we won't be in each others lives as much as we have been in the past. And that is something that makes me very sad. I will be saying "good-bye" to a part of my life that has meant so so much to me. It will be a very hard thing for me to do. I was never good with good-byes while we were together, and this one will be ever harder. But I know that it is something that I will need to do.

I did say this was a bittersweet feeling... That was the bitter. Now for the sweet.

I have my whole life in front of me again. I do feel that I needed to move to Minnesota with Morgan. There were life lessons that I needed to learn, and I think that they could only have come from the situations that I found myself in while living here. Now I get the chance to apply those lessons. And that is an exciting thought. I have numberless possibilities ahead.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I know that He has a plan for each of us. I know that Morgan was meant to be in my life. I know that we were meant to live and experience the things that we did.  I know that moving to Minnesota was something that I needed to do. I am very grateful for the lessons and the experiences that I have had here. I am very grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have Morgan in my life for as long as I did. She is a very wonderful, caring person. She has sacrificed a lot to help me become the better person that I am today. And I do wish her the best in her life. I will always love her for all that she has done for me. She will always have a place in my heart. As well as Haylee.

In October of 2009 I wrote a blog explaining why I title my entries with song names. Today's entry speaks for itself. This really is me moving on. This is me taking the opportunity to live my life, and experience all that I can. This is me getting a chance to start over completely fresh. This is me saying "good-bye" to those I love, and saying "hello" to limitless possibilities. This is me moving on.

Bling (Confession Of A King)

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.

Anthology

Our lives built on tin cans and string
But the cornerstone laid is a wondrous and beautiful thing
Sure in the ground

While the North wind is taking it's toll
You have helped me to find my way back and to anchor my soul
Safe in the sound

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

I bragged of bearing my bones
Said if we heard the howling
I'd run out to face it alone
To meet it half way

But I've still got badges to earn
So keep sifting my soul
Cause I think that I'm starting to learn
To love you that way

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope
Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say
Come what may

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

This Circus

The more I think about it, the more I think that this blog is aptly named... The Adventures Of Josh. I would now like to share some of my recent adventures with you.

I have been having some really long, long days lately. I started waking up super early (for me its ridiculously early) at 5:30 and doing some cardio at the gym. Which usually means that I am running 3-5 miles in the hour that I am there. Then going straight to work. And working through my breaks, staying late, and dealing with the annoying/problematic patients. And being the last to leave. Then coming home, eating some sorta something for dinner, then going to the gym to do some weight training. Then finally come home again, extremely exhausted from the day. Now I realize that this may be a normal day for some people, but lately for me it has been too much.

On one such occasion I came home from a late night work out at the gym. Mixed me up a protein shake, then sat down on the floor to take my shoes off. Next thing I know it is 7:55 in the morning and I have 5 minutes to get to work! I don't think that I have ever been that tired before. Or slept that well on the floor... Ha! Needless to say, I took a few mornings off.

Last summer when Morgan and I moved to Mankato we were very surprised at the amount of mosquitoes that are here. But we learned quickly to take a garlic pill once a day, and it would help to limit (yes, I did mean limit) the amount of bites we would get. This year, I really wished I woulda remembered that wonderful little supplement. I have become a pin cushion. A very itchy pin cushion.

My ADHD has been getting the best of me again... I have started to redecorate my apartment. It seems that this type of thing happens about every six months or so. I can't help it though...I just get bored of everything staying that same! Can ya blame me?! So I have copied some of the projects that Morgan and I did in the past, and am doing them for me now. Just the Josh version of things. I hope that they turn out alright...

The past few weeks I have been pretty busy directing a show called; Horns. It is a short (10 minute) play for a performance called The Coffee Shop Tales. It has been a lot of fun for me. And good to get my theatre fix in. I took over for Morgan before she went on vacation. I think that the show turned out really well. And I had a lot of fun directing it. Theatre is a talent that I need to use more often.

I NEED A VACATION!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned that FedEx called me outta the blue and offered me a part-time job with them. I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and saw it as a huge answer to all those prayers. Well, a week or so later they have told me that I will not be driving for them. All because of all those problems that I had in Cedar City with those few tickets that I got while driving for FedEx. I am honestly pretty upset about it. Ohk... Very upset by it. What was the whole point of me being offered the job if it wasn't going to work out? I just don't get it. So basically, I am clueless again, and tired of my life being a constant circus.

Give Me One Good Reason

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!

Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Weigh On My Mind

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Call Me In The Morning

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...

The New Year

Today marks the year anniversary of a day I'll prolly never forget...

I don't necessarily wanna dwell on the past, or the experiences that occurred that day. But I think it would be worthwhile to tell the full story. Cause I am not sure if I ever have shared it here. So, let me begin. (I did however give a brief narrative here.)

Cedar City, Utah. June 30, 2010. Morgan had been in Provo for a few days now working as a note taker. Which left me and the Haylee in Cedar alone. Before Morgan left we had gone out and experienced as much of Southern Utah as we could. We both knew it would be the last time that we would be together in that area for a while. (Click here!) Haylee and I had the task of finishing the move from Cedar City, Utah to Mankato, Minnesota.

The day started with me waking up early and loading up the moving trailer. I had not eaten any breakfast that morning since our food was in boxes, and I just assumed I could grab something on the journey to up to Springville where I would be spending a few days with my family before we started the long drive to Minnesota. It took about three hours for me to finish packing and loading the U-Haul. I then proceeded to clean up our house as much as possible. The plan was for me to load, then clean, then shampoo the carpets with rented carpet cleaner, then say "good-bye" to Cedar City.

Those plans changed dramatically when around noon I noticed a man pulling up next to my Toyota Tacoma. I went outside to question him, and he told me that he was repossessing my truck. I was shocked to hear this. I had been making my payments to my credit union for the truck, but had not been able to afford the payments on my personal loan, and credit card. So they were taking my truck as collateral for the back payments. I tried everything that I could to fix the situation before the man took off with my truck. But no dice. So I quickly unhooked the U-Haul from the trailer hitch on my Tacoma, and the man left.

I was devastated. Not only was that my one source of transportation, but it was also the means for us to move to Minnesota. I contacted U-Haul and kinda explained the situation, they told me that I could use the money that I spent on the trailer towards renting a 17-foot moving truck. Seeing no other option, I agreed. The problem with that was the truck was 45 miles away.

A few hours later my neighbors came home. I told them the predicament that I was in, and they agreed to take me to Enterprise to get the truck, but it would cost me $45.00 to do so. I was desperate, so I agreed. While loading the trailer onto their Jeep, my neighbor lost his grip on the trailer tongue and the weight of the trailer came crashing down onto my right middle finger, breaking the knuckle and causing it to gush blood. With my left hand I picked the trailer up off my finger and placed it on the hitch. Something that I have no idea just how I really did... With the rush that I was in I didn't have time to properly see to my finger, so I just took care of the bleeding and we began our journey to Enterprise.

After securing the U-Haul truck I began the task of unloading the trailer of all of our belongings to just reload it all into the truck. By this time it was around 5:00 pm, and extremely hot. I still had not eaten anything, and was starting to become quiet exhausted. My neighbors were quick to leave me as soon as we had got into town. So the burden was all on me. I finally finished around 7:30 and began the drive back home to Cedar City.

By the time I got back to Cedar I was famished. I was tired. I was sore. I was angry. I was beat. I cleaned the house and the carpets quickly. Finished loading everything and securing it all. Then Haylee and I said "good-bye" to out home, and started the drive to Springville.

Around 2:30 am the next day I arrived at my parents house. Looking back at that day, I am honestly surprised that I was able to do all that needed to be done. Morgan had been very good to offer help and encouragement for me. But I don't know how I had the strength to handle it all on my own.

A year later I have seen some of the reasons why things happened the way they did that day. I have seen some major blessings that have come from it. And learned some valuable lessons also. It was a day that I don't think that I will ever forget, and a day I hope to never repeat.

Living For Today

...Sigh...

...Sigh...

That's about it.

I am now facing the option of staying in Minnesota or moving back to Utah. There are many contributing factors in this. I will list them in another post. I'm just deep in thought. And sad that my life always has something like this going on...

The Clock Was Tickin'

The teacher had you write a letter, you were eight years old
About the man that you’d become and the positions you’d hold
But this was long before you and Jackie Geronimo met in the Prelude Park at midnight
Now when it came to bells and whistles, Jackie did not lack
And when she kissed you on the kisser, boy, you kissed her back
Now you tell her that you love her and she cuts you slack
When you drink with your buddies on the weekend

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
You spend your whole life dropping nickels in the bucket, wakin’ up at dawn
And while Jackie bestowed the joys of fingerlickin’
The clock up on the wall was tickin’

You got yourself a job cleaning hospital floors
But Jackie had a baby, then she had five more
They’d pay you just enough to drag your ass to the store
To buy bread, milk and Better Homes & Gardens
Jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams
A cottage in the country built with real wood beams
There’s a baby in the bedroom, he’s starting to scream
She holds him though he probably won’t remember it

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Now the kids are all grateful when they left the nest
And Jackie wasn’t perfect but she did her best
You seize the opportunity to get you some rest
But you can’t sleep on account of screaming grandkids

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
But you can’t quit cause Jackie needs the benefits

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
They say patience is a virtue but the doctor says she don’t have long
You stood up and tried your damndest not to listen
But that clock up on the wall was tickin’

When they told you to clear the room, that’s when it hit you
You watched as the caravan took your sweetheart away
The arguments and fights and money troubles seem so worthless
As the kids throw yellow roses on her grave

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
The house is quiet now and everything inside it seems to know she’s gone
There’s a picture of you both sixteen years old just kissing
And that clock up on the wall was tickin’

You always thought she had a chance and it was somewhere hidden
Now you’ve come to the conclusion that she never did
Not a chance, that is

Retrace

Ugh…I am exhausted! In the last two and a half weeks I have been in seven states, had seven flights, been in and out of four different times zones, and from sea level elevation to over a mile high. I had way too many restaurant/fast food meals, and not enough sleep. But with that said, I have had a wonderful time!

I am officially a college graduate! FINALLY! While I was in Utah I was able to finish up my internship with Ameritech. It feels nice to be done with that. And they were really good about helping me finish. I am grateful for that. Yay!

I had a good time while I was in Utah. I spent a bunch of time with my family, and friends. I met my nephew, Declan for the first time. He's a good little dude. I call him Captain Stink Pants. I think the name fits him very well! I do love my family. I am grateful for all that they do for me. I am not sure when the next time is that I will see them.

I was able to relax. Fish. Hike. Rock climb. Watch movies. Play video games. BBQ. Play home run derby. Drive a car. Chill. Finish surgeries. Hang out. Play guitar. Jam. And prolly more. It was a good time. But it is good to be home too.

The Story

Wow. That was quite the adventure.

Let me tell you the story of my adventures this past weekend. On Tuesday night I left Mankato for the airport. I bummed a ride from my home teacher. His car lacked heating and with my shorts and the cold weather we were having it became a cold ride. But I was grateful for the ride. My flight didn't leave until Wednesday morning, so I just figured I could sleep at the airport. Boy was I wrong. There was construction and cleaning and people and nothing that would help a guy like me sleep. It was a long, long night.

When I landed in Boston I had trouble getting a hold of David or Chuckie, so I wasn't exactly sure where I needed to go...but soon figured it out. I fell in love with Boston almost immediately. It is such a beautiful city. I was happy to see the Furse's again. It had been nearly a year since I had. For David's Bachelor Party the three of us went to Providence, Rhode Island and ate at some fancy restaurant and then enjoyed Taking Back Sunday in concert. It was prolly the eighth time I've seen TBS, but it they put on a good show!

The rest of the time that I was there was basically spent in a mini-van with Chuckie. Seriously. We did so much driving around, running errands and picking things up with the wedding and such. Plus the many times that we went back and forth to pick people up from the airport. We had some good conversations during that time. So that was good. I got lost in Downtown Boston once while I was driving on my own. But soon found my way outta there.

Friday was the wedding. The Boston Temple is really beautiful. I was happy for Dave and Lindsey. They seemed very happy too. Here are some photos from it!

I wasn't able to spend too much time with them all. But I was really glad that I could be there to support the Furse's and Lindsey. It was a fun trip!

Right Now

It has been a while since I last blogged. For that I am sorry. It seems that I have a lot to catch up on…

So let me begin.

It has been over two months since I had my bankruptcy hearing. I have not heard anything since then, but my lawyer told me that it could take up to 90 days for the court to clear everything. So I am just waiting patiently. I have been really trying to manage my finances better this time around. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I have in the past. A few days ago I was sitting down making a budget for the next few months, and noticed with the time that I will be taking off to go to Boston and Utah, that I needed some extra cash. So I prayed about where I could get it, and the thought came to me that I should sell my car. I thought long about it. And with the weather starting to warm up a bit, I assumed that I would be fine to just ride the scooter around. So I listed my car on craigslist, and 3 hours later I sold it! I even made a profit of $400 on the car… I think it was an answer to a sincere prayer. But…here is the downside to that. The next day it snowed. And then rained. And has been miserable since. Oh well, I suppose that is what makes life interesting.

School is basically over now. Wahoo! The semester has gone by really fast. I have managed to stay on top of all my courses. I think that I have done well. Who would have known a little effort helps?! I have signed up for some summer classes with SUU, but I am not sure if I will take them or not. I am still waiting to see what MNSU says about my transcripts and such. So I they take me now for the fall semester, then these summer classes with SUU won’t matter. I will need to do some more research into the situation.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I will be taking my X-Ray Certification test this summer. I am excited for it. Then the next thing will be Anesthesia Certification…and from what I have heard, that one is pretty difficult. But I love this job. And love learning about it. So I am not too worried. I know that I have said it before, but I really did luck out on getting this job.

I have been gymming just about every day now. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With the other days being a cardio workout of some kind. I finally feel like I am getting some of my strength back. It feels so good! I really do love to workout. I am running again, and I love it!

I haven’t really heard anything about playing baseball for the Mankato Twins yet. I have been in contact with the coach, but the practices and meetings keep being moved around and such. But I will keep on it. I really wanna play! Me and one of the missionaries in the ward have been playing catch, and hitting some batting practice whenever we can. I have been able to throw, and somewhat pitch without my shoulder hurting. And that is really a beautiful thing!

I will be leaving tomorrow for Boston for David and Lindsey’s wedding. I am excited for them. I haven’t seen either since last summer. And I have never been in Boston before. So It should be a lot of fun. I will try to take lots of pictures and stuff.

After Boston I will be heading to Utah for two weeks! And hopefully be really finished with Ameritech College. I know that I have said that before too. But I only need to do 44 surgeries. That should be an easy accomplishment in two weeks’ time. It has taken far too long to get this all over and done with. I am hoping to finish early and then be able to spend some time with my family and friends. That would be very nice. And maybe sleep in too…

I think that is all that has been going on lately. I am still trying to keep up on my commitment to live the Gospel. I think when I get to Utah I will buy a new set of scriptures. I am reading out of my missionary set right now. Which is great, but I think I am in a different spot of life now than I was as a missionary. And am in need of different lessons and such. Life is progressing well right now. And I am a happy Josh.

...But Home Is Nowhere

Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun

To understand my, my intimate is no one
When the director sold the show, who bought its last rights
They cut the cast, the music, and the lights

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues
Such revelations while understood by no one
When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace
Please clear this house of ill-aquired taste

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something real

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words, I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this, hurts me


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you that it haunts me
You don't care that it haunts me

Oh
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you