Give Me One Good Reason

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!

Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Weigh On My Mind

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Call Me In The Morning

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...

The New Year

Today marks the year anniversary of a day I'll prolly never forget...

I don't necessarily wanna dwell on the past, or the experiences that occurred that day. But I think it would be worthwhile to tell the full story. Cause I am not sure if I ever have shared it here. So, let me begin. (I did however give a brief narrative here.)

Cedar City, Utah. June 30, 2010. Morgan had been in Provo for a few days now working as a note taker. Which left me and the Haylee in Cedar alone. Before Morgan left we had gone out and experienced as much of Southern Utah as we could. We both knew it would be the last time that we would be together in that area for a while. (Click here!) Haylee and I had the task of finishing the move from Cedar City, Utah to Mankato, Minnesota.

The day started with me waking up early and loading up the moving trailer. I had not eaten any breakfast that morning since our food was in boxes, and I just assumed I could grab something on the journey to up to Springville where I would be spending a few days with my family before we started the long drive to Minnesota. It took about three hours for me to finish packing and loading the U-Haul. I then proceeded to clean up our house as much as possible. The plan was for me to load, then clean, then shampoo the carpets with rented carpet cleaner, then say "good-bye" to Cedar City.

Those plans changed dramatically when around noon I noticed a man pulling up next to my Toyota Tacoma. I went outside to question him, and he told me that he was repossessing my truck. I was shocked to hear this. I had been making my payments to my credit union for the truck, but had not been able to afford the payments on my personal loan, and credit card. So they were taking my truck as collateral for the back payments. I tried everything that I could to fix the situation before the man took off with my truck. But no dice. So I quickly unhooked the U-Haul from the trailer hitch on my Tacoma, and the man left.

I was devastated. Not only was that my one source of transportation, but it was also the means for us to move to Minnesota. I contacted U-Haul and kinda explained the situation, they told me that I could use the money that I spent on the trailer towards renting a 17-foot moving truck. Seeing no other option, I agreed. The problem with that was the truck was 45 miles away.

A few hours later my neighbors came home. I told them the predicament that I was in, and they agreed to take me to Enterprise to get the truck, but it would cost me $45.00 to do so. I was desperate, so I agreed. While loading the trailer onto their Jeep, my neighbor lost his grip on the trailer tongue and the weight of the trailer came crashing down onto my right middle finger, breaking the knuckle and causing it to gush blood. With my left hand I picked the trailer up off my finger and placed it on the hitch. Something that I have no idea just how I really did... With the rush that I was in I didn't have time to properly see to my finger, so I just took care of the bleeding and we began our journey to Enterprise.

After securing the U-Haul truck I began the task of unloading the trailer of all of our belongings to just reload it all into the truck. By this time it was around 5:00 pm, and extremely hot. I still had not eaten anything, and was starting to become quiet exhausted. My neighbors were quick to leave me as soon as we had got into town. So the burden was all on me. I finally finished around 7:30 and began the drive back home to Cedar City.

By the time I got back to Cedar I was famished. I was tired. I was sore. I was angry. I was beat. I cleaned the house and the carpets quickly. Finished loading everything and securing it all. Then Haylee and I said "good-bye" to out home, and started the drive to Springville.

Around 2:30 am the next day I arrived at my parents house. Looking back at that day, I am honestly surprised that I was able to do all that needed to be done. Morgan had been very good to offer help and encouragement for me. But I don't know how I had the strength to handle it all on my own.

A year later I have seen some of the reasons why things happened the way they did that day. I have seen some major blessings that have come from it. And learned some valuable lessons also. It was a day that I don't think that I will ever forget, and a day I hope to never repeat.

Living For Today

...Sigh...

...Sigh...

That's about it.

I am now facing the option of staying in Minnesota or moving back to Utah. There are many contributing factors in this. I will list them in another post. I'm just deep in thought. And sad that my life always has something like this going on...

The Clock Was Tickin'

The teacher had you write a letter, you were eight years old
About the man that you’d become and the positions you’d hold
But this was long before you and Jackie Geronimo met in the Prelude Park at midnight
Now when it came to bells and whistles, Jackie did not lack
And when she kissed you on the kisser, boy, you kissed her back
Now you tell her that you love her and she cuts you slack
When you drink with your buddies on the weekend

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
You spend your whole life dropping nickels in the bucket, wakin’ up at dawn
And while Jackie bestowed the joys of fingerlickin’
The clock up on the wall was tickin’

You got yourself a job cleaning hospital floors
But Jackie had a baby, then she had five more
They’d pay you just enough to drag your ass to the store
To buy bread, milk and Better Homes & Gardens
Jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams
A cottage in the country built with real wood beams
There’s a baby in the bedroom, he’s starting to scream
She holds him though he probably won’t remember it

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Now the kids are all grateful when they left the nest
And Jackie wasn’t perfect but she did her best
You seize the opportunity to get you some rest
But you can’t sleep on account of screaming grandkids

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
But you can’t quit cause Jackie needs the benefits

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
They say patience is a virtue but the doctor says she don’t have long
You stood up and tried your damndest not to listen
But that clock up on the wall was tickin’

When they told you to clear the room, that’s when it hit you
You watched as the caravan took your sweetheart away
The arguments and fights and money troubles seem so worthless
As the kids throw yellow roses on her grave

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
The house is quiet now and everything inside it seems to know she’s gone
There’s a picture of you both sixteen years old just kissing
And that clock up on the wall was tickin’

You always thought she had a chance and it was somewhere hidden
Now you’ve come to the conclusion that she never did
Not a chance, that is

Retrace

Ugh…I am exhausted! In the last two and a half weeks I have been in seven states, had seven flights, been in and out of four different times zones, and from sea level elevation to over a mile high. I had way too many restaurant/fast food meals, and not enough sleep. But with that said, I have had a wonderful time!

I am officially a college graduate! FINALLY! While I was in Utah I was able to finish up my internship with Ameritech. It feels nice to be done with that. And they were really good about helping me finish. I am grateful for that. Yay!

I had a good time while I was in Utah. I spent a bunch of time with my family, and friends. I met my nephew, Declan for the first time. He's a good little dude. I call him Captain Stink Pants. I think the name fits him very well! I do love my family. I am grateful for all that they do for me. I am not sure when the next time is that I will see them.

I was able to relax. Fish. Hike. Rock climb. Watch movies. Play video games. BBQ. Play home run derby. Drive a car. Chill. Finish surgeries. Hang out. Play guitar. Jam. And prolly more. It was a good time. But it is good to be home too.

The Story

Wow. That was quite the adventure.

Let me tell you the story of my adventures this past weekend. On Tuesday night I left Mankato for the airport. I bummed a ride from my home teacher. His car lacked heating and with my shorts and the cold weather we were having it became a cold ride. But I was grateful for the ride. My flight didn't leave until Wednesday morning, so I just figured I could sleep at the airport. Boy was I wrong. There was construction and cleaning and people and nothing that would help a guy like me sleep. It was a long, long night.

When I landed in Boston I had trouble getting a hold of David or Chuckie, so I wasn't exactly sure where I needed to go...but soon figured it out. I fell in love with Boston almost immediately. It is such a beautiful city. I was happy to see the Furse's again. It had been nearly a year since I had. For David's Bachelor Party the three of us went to Providence, Rhode Island and ate at some fancy restaurant and then enjoyed Taking Back Sunday in concert. It was prolly the eighth time I've seen TBS, but it they put on a good show!

The rest of the time that I was there was basically spent in a mini-van with Chuckie. Seriously. We did so much driving around, running errands and picking things up with the wedding and such. Plus the many times that we went back and forth to pick people up from the airport. We had some good conversations during that time. So that was good. I got lost in Downtown Boston once while I was driving on my own. But soon found my way outta there.

Friday was the wedding. The Boston Temple is really beautiful. I was happy for Dave and Lindsey. They seemed very happy too. Here are some photos from it!

I wasn't able to spend too much time with them all. But I was really glad that I could be there to support the Furse's and Lindsey. It was a fun trip!

Right Now

It has been a while since I last blogged. For that I am sorry. It seems that I have a lot to catch up on…

So let me begin.

It has been over two months since I had my bankruptcy hearing. I have not heard anything since then, but my lawyer told me that it could take up to 90 days for the court to clear everything. So I am just waiting patiently. I have been really trying to manage my finances better this time around. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I have in the past. A few days ago I was sitting down making a budget for the next few months, and noticed with the time that I will be taking off to go to Boston and Utah, that I needed some extra cash. So I prayed about where I could get it, and the thought came to me that I should sell my car. I thought long about it. And with the weather starting to warm up a bit, I assumed that I would be fine to just ride the scooter around. So I listed my car on craigslist, and 3 hours later I sold it! I even made a profit of $400 on the car… I think it was an answer to a sincere prayer. But…here is the downside to that. The next day it snowed. And then rained. And has been miserable since. Oh well, I suppose that is what makes life interesting.

School is basically over now. Wahoo! The semester has gone by really fast. I have managed to stay on top of all my courses. I think that I have done well. Who would have known a little effort helps?! I have signed up for some summer classes with SUU, but I am not sure if I will take them or not. I am still waiting to see what MNSU says about my transcripts and such. So I they take me now for the fall semester, then these summer classes with SUU won’t matter. I will need to do some more research into the situation.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I will be taking my X-Ray Certification test this summer. I am excited for it. Then the next thing will be Anesthesia Certification…and from what I have heard, that one is pretty difficult. But I love this job. And love learning about it. So I am not too worried. I know that I have said it before, but I really did luck out on getting this job.

I have been gymming just about every day now. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With the other days being a cardio workout of some kind. I finally feel like I am getting some of my strength back. It feels so good! I really do love to workout. I am running again, and I love it!

I haven’t really heard anything about playing baseball for the Mankato Twins yet. I have been in contact with the coach, but the practices and meetings keep being moved around and such. But I will keep on it. I really wanna play! Me and one of the missionaries in the ward have been playing catch, and hitting some batting practice whenever we can. I have been able to throw, and somewhat pitch without my shoulder hurting. And that is really a beautiful thing!

I will be leaving tomorrow for Boston for David and Lindsey’s wedding. I am excited for them. I haven’t seen either since last summer. And I have never been in Boston before. So It should be a lot of fun. I will try to take lots of pictures and stuff.

After Boston I will be heading to Utah for two weeks! And hopefully be really finished with Ameritech College. I know that I have said that before too. But I only need to do 44 surgeries. That should be an easy accomplishment in two weeks’ time. It has taken far too long to get this all over and done with. I am hoping to finish early and then be able to spend some time with my family and friends. That would be very nice. And maybe sleep in too…

I think that is all that has been going on lately. I am still trying to keep up on my commitment to live the Gospel. I think when I get to Utah I will buy a new set of scriptures. I am reading out of my missionary set right now. Which is great, but I think I am in a different spot of life now than I was as a missionary. And am in need of different lessons and such. Life is progressing well right now. And I am a happy Josh.

...But Home Is Nowhere

Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun

To understand my, my intimate is no one
When the director sold the show, who bought its last rights
They cut the cast, the music, and the lights

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues
Such revelations while understood by no one
When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace
Please clear this house of ill-aquired taste

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something real

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words, I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this, hurts me


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you that it haunts me
You don't care that it haunts me

Oh
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you