Blanket Of Ghosts

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old St. Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kissed your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

Final Goodbye

It's here. I am all packed. The apartment is clean. Derek is on his way. It's all done. And about to be over.

Life is a very interesting thing. I am about to close the door to a part of my life, just to open the door to an unknown future. I have the choice to stand between the two doors and contemplate about what has brought me to this interchange. Or I can take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever comes.

Living in Mankato has been a very good experience for me. I have learned and grown in ways that I never thought I could. I have had dozens of life lessons thrown at me. And I have made some great friends. I have been very fortunate to have lived here, and to have associated with many great people. I really am thankful for all those who have helped me become the better person that I am today.

I will be taking that step towards my future soon. It will be a very hard step to take. But I think each and every step will get easier. I have the great opportunity to apply the things that I have learned with a blank slate. I am very lucky for that. I have great family and friends to support me. In Utah, and in Minnesota.

The other day I was "stumbling", and came across a quote from Dr. Seuss that has really stood out to me lately. He said:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I am trying to remember that. It gets hard sometimes when I get nostalgic, but these memories are part of who I am. And I am very grateful for all of them, and their accompanying adventures! I have had a wonderful life here, and had great friends. I just have to remember that it really isn't "good-bye" at all... Just "see ya later". 

Thank you Mankato. I will miss you.

Nobody's Listening

...Nobody's listening... Well that is what I thought.

I have a habit of singing along to my music when I am home just doing whatever. I seem to do it with every song that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I am a little self conscious of my singing. Some time I am very confident in my voice, other times not so much...

Yesterday I was in the mood for some real singing...and with Morgan being cast as Carlotta in The Phantom of The Opera, I decided that I would sing some Phantom songs. So I am in my room cleaning and packing things up for the move, belting The Point of No Return, when the next thing I know I hear clapping. I look up and see my roommate, Kyle, standing there with a big smile on his face. Apparently he had been there for the full song, and I was too oblivious to notice.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed...

Moving On

It is kind of a bittersweet feeling... But I have made my decision. I am moving back to Utah.

As you know this has been something that I have been contemplating for quite a while now. I wrestled with the idea during the summer then decided to stay here. But now with the recent changes that have taken place in my life I do feel that leaving Mankato is the best option for me.

This will however, be a very hard thing for me to do.

It is nearing two years since Morgan and I first talked about moving to Minnesota. At that time I didn't give it much thought. I knew that Morgan would go where ever she could get accepted into school for her MFA. And I knew that if I could get a job in that same area, that I would follow her.

Morgan was accepted into Minnesota State University, Mankato. I was hired as a Surgical Tech at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. The beginning of July of last year we found ourselves starting a new life in Minnesota.

I soon lost the job that I was promised, but luckily found a very good job that kept me in Mankato, and near my little family. Not many months after that I lost that family also, and life in Minnesota took a turn.

Now as I am waxing nostalgic I realize that this is the end of an era for me. And that is kinda hard to admit, but even harder to fathom.

I don't know how healthy it would be for me to sit here and write about all the memories that are flooding my brain right now. I will be honest and say that when Morgan and I started dating, the only time that I saw us apart was when I died at age 83. I know that was silly and naive, but truth is I loved her more that any one else that I had ever dated. And was willing to do anything to hold onto her. It turned out that life had a different plan for us.

Morgan is still my best friend. We still talk and text and see each other regularly. And that is something that I love. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are FRIENDS and only friends, but we seem to manage it quite well. Her better than me.

Now as I try to figure out this move, I am realizing that our relationship will never be the same again. Once great friends who became lovers who became friends again... She has her life to live, and I will have mine. And I know that realistically we won't be in each others lives as much as we have been in the past. And that is something that makes me very sad. I will be saying "good-bye" to a part of my life that has meant so so much to me. It will be a very hard thing for me to do. I was never good with good-byes while we were together, and this one will be ever harder. But I know that it is something that I will need to do.

I did say this was a bittersweet feeling... That was the bitter. Now for the sweet.

I have my whole life in front of me again. I do feel that I needed to move to Minnesota with Morgan. There were life lessons that I needed to learn, and I think that they could only have come from the situations that I found myself in while living here. Now I get the chance to apply those lessons. And that is an exciting thought. I have numberless possibilities ahead.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I know that He has a plan for each of us. I know that Morgan was meant to be in my life. I know that we were meant to live and experience the things that we did.  I know that moving to Minnesota was something that I needed to do. I am very grateful for the lessons and the experiences that I have had here. I am very grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have Morgan in my life for as long as I did. She is a very wonderful, caring person. She has sacrificed a lot to help me become the better person that I am today. And I do wish her the best in her life. I will always love her for all that she has done for me. She will always have a place in my heart. As well as Haylee.

In October of 2009 I wrote a blog explaining why I title my entries with song names. Today's entry speaks for itself. This really is me moving on. This is me taking the opportunity to live my life, and experience all that I can. This is me getting a chance to start over completely fresh. This is me saying "good-bye" to those I love, and saying "hello" to limitless possibilities. This is me moving on.