Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Arise

 So I clamber off
Into a realm
Of what's possible
Give us a look
So we may show
The animal
He wants you to know

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside

Like a fool caught red-handed
To play out as they wish
I'd take a life of raw emotion
Than a life of content till death
Well, at least you'd know
No apologies for starters
Go and seek yourself

You either fail or you rise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
Listen
You
No sign of life
Watch you save up
To pay no mind
But it's better not to behave
Clever not to be changed by them
Better not to behave
Clever not to be changed

Arise
And reach to other worlds
Right through the needle's eye
Come take your first look inside
Arise
Our fate is all we know
A fate we all would change
So aim that dirty look at

This one's always almost always a given
Listen to its heartbeat
This one, this one's almost always
Given, listen to its heartbeat
This one's done

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Blanket Of Ghosts


I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old St. Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kissed your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all white from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Final Goodbye

It's here. I am all packed. The apartment is clean. Derek is on his way. It's all done. And about to be over.

Life is a very interesting thing. I am about to close the door to a part of my life, just to open the door to an unknown future. I have the choice to stand between the two doors and contemplate about what has brought me to this interchange. Or I can take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever comes.

Living in Mankato has been a very good experience for me. I have learned and grown in ways that I never thought I could. I have had dozens of life lessons thrown at me. And I have made some great friends. I have been very fortunate to have lived here, and to have associated with many great people. I really am thankful for all those who have helped me become the better person that I am today.

I will be taking that step towards my future soon. It will be a very hard step to take. But I think each and every step will get easier. I have the great opportunity to apply the things that I have learned with a blank slate. I am very lucky for that. I have great family and friends to support me. In Utah, and in Minnesota.

The other day I was "stumbling", and came across a quote from Dr. Seuss that has really stood out to me lately. He said:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I am trying to remember that. It gets hard sometimes when I get nostalgic, but these memories are part of who I am. And I am very grateful for all of them, and their accompanying adventures! I have had a wonderful life here, and had great friends. I just have to remember that it really isn't "good-bye" at all... Just "see ya later". 

Thank you Mankato. I will miss you.

Nobody's Listening

...Nobody's listening... Well that is what I thought.

I have a habit of singing along to my music when I am home just doing whatever. I seem to do it with every song that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I am a little self conscious of my singing. Some time I am very confident in my voice, other times not so much...

Yesterday I was in the mood for some real singing...and with Morgan being cast as Carlotta in The Phantom of The Opera, I decided that I would sing some Phantom songs. So I am in my room cleaning and packing things up for the move, belting The Point of No Return, when the next thing I know I hear clapping. I look up and see my roommate, Kyle, standing there with a big smile on his face. Apparently he had been there for the full song, and I was too oblivious to notice.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed...


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Moving On

It is kind of a bittersweet feeling... But I have made my decision. I am moving back to Utah.

As you know this has been something that I have been contemplating for quite a while now. I wrestled with the idea during the summer then decided to stay here. But now with the recent changes that have taken place in my life I do feel that leaving Mankato is the best option for me.

This will however, be a very hard thing for me to do.

It is nearing two years since Morgan and I first talked about moving to Minnesota. At that time I didn't give it much thought. I knew that Morgan would go where ever she could get accepted into school for her MFA. And I knew that if I could get a job in that same area, that I would follow her.

Morgan was accepted into Minnesota State University, Mankato. I was hired as a Surgical Tech at Immanuel St. Joseph's Hospital in Mankato. The beginning of July of last year we found ourselves starting a new life in Minnesota.

I soon lost the job that I was promised, but luckily found a very good job that kept me in Mankato, and near my little family. Not many months after that I lost that family also, and life in Minnesota took a turn.

Now as I am waxing nostalgic I realize that this is the end of an era for me. And that is kinda hard to admit, but even harder to fathom.

I don't know how healthy it would be for me to sit here and write about all the memories that are flooding my brain right now. I will be honest and say that when Morgan and I started dating, the only time that I saw us apart was when I died at age 83. I know that was silly and naive, but truth is I loved her more that any one else that I had ever dated. And was willing to do anything to hold onto her. It turned out that life had a different plan for us.

Morgan is still my best friend. We still talk and text and see each other regularly. And that is something that I love. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are FRIENDS and only friends, but we seem to manage it quite well. Her better than me.

Now as I try to figure out this move, I am realizing that our relationship will never be the same again. Once great friends who became lovers who became friends again... She has her life to live, and I will have mine. And I know that realistically we won't be in each others lives as much as we have been in the past. And that is something that makes me very sad. I will be saying "good-bye" to a part of my life that has meant so so much to me. It will be a very hard thing for me to do. I was never good with good-byes while we were together, and this one will be ever harder. But I know that it is something that I will need to do.

I did say this was a bittersweet feeling... That was the bitter. Now for the sweet.

I have my whole life in front of me again. I do feel that I needed to move to Minnesota with Morgan. There were life lessons that I needed to learn, and I think that they could only have come from the situations that I found myself in while living here. Now I get the chance to apply those lessons. And that is an exciting thought. I have numberless possibilities ahead.

I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I know that He has a plan for each of us. I know that Morgan was meant to be in my life. I know that we were meant to live and experience the things that we did.  I know that moving to Minnesota was something that I needed to do. I am very grateful for the lessons and the experiences that I have had here. I am very grateful to the Lord for allowing me to have Morgan in my life for as long as I did. She is a very wonderful, caring person. She has sacrificed a lot to help me become the better person that I am today. And I do wish her the best in her life. I will always love her for all that she has done for me. She will always have a place in my heart. As well as Haylee.

In October of 2009 I wrote a blog explaining why I title my entries with song names. Today's entry speaks for itself. This really is me moving on. This is me taking the opportunity to live my life, and experience all that I can. This is me getting a chance to start over completely fresh. This is me saying "good-bye" to those I love, and saying "hello" to limitless possibilities. This is me moving on.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Bling (Confession Of A King)

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.




Monday, September 26, 2011

Anthology

Our lives built on tin cans and string
But the cornerstone laid is a wondrous and beautiful thing
Sure in the ground

While the North wind is taking it's toll
You have helped me to find my way back and to anchor my soul
Safe in the sound

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

I bragged of bearing my bones
Said if we heard the howling
I'd run out to face it alone
To meet it half way

But I've still got badges to earn
So keep sifting my soul
Cause I think that I'm starting to learn
To love you that way

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope
Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say
Come what may

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

Friday, August 5, 2011

This Circus

The more I think about it, the more I think that this blog is aptly named... The Adventures Of Josh. I would now like to share some of my recent adventures with you.

I have been having some really long, long days lately. I started waking up super early (for me its ridiculously early) at 5:30 and doing some cardio at the gym. Which usually means that I am running 3-5 miles in the hour that I am there. Then going straight to work. And working through my breaks, staying late, and dealing with the annoying/problematic patients. And being the last to leave. Then coming home, eating some sorta something for dinner, then going to the gym to do some weight training. Then finally come home again, extremely exhausted from the day. Now I realize that this may be a normal day for some people, but lately for me it has been too much.

On one such occasion I came home from a late night work out at the gym. Mixed me up a protein shake, then sat down on the floor to take my shoes off. Next thing I know it is 7:55 in the morning and I have 5 minutes to get to work! I don't think that I have ever been that tired before. Or slept that well on the floor... Ha! Needless to say, I took a few mornings off.

Last summer when Morgan and I moved to Mankato we were very surprised at the amount of mosquitoes that are here. But we learned quickly to take a garlic pill once a day, and it would help to limit (yes, I did mean limit) the amount of bites we would get. This year, I really wished I woulda remembered that wonderful little supplement. I have become a pin cushion. A very itchy pin cushion.

My ADHD has been getting the best of me again... I have started to redecorate my apartment. It seems that this type of thing happens about every six months or so. I can't help it though...I just get bored of everything staying that same! Can ya blame me?! So I have copied some of the projects that Morgan and I did in the past, and am doing them for me now. Just the Josh version of things. I hope that they turn out alright...

The past few weeks I have been pretty busy directing a show called; Horns. It is a short (10 minute) play for a performance called The Coffee Shop Tales. It has been a lot of fun for me. And good to get my theatre fix in. I took over for Morgan before she went on vacation. I think that the show turned out really well. And I had a lot of fun directing it. Theatre is a talent that I need to use more often.

I NEED A VACATION!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned that FedEx called me outta the blue and offered me a part-time job with them. I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and saw it as a huge answer to all those prayers. Well, a week or so later they have told me that I will not be driving for them. All because of all those problems that I had in Cedar City with those few tickets that I got while driving for FedEx. I am honestly pretty upset about it. Ohk... Very upset by it. What was the whole point of me being offered the job if it wasn't going to work out? I just don't get it. So basically, I am clueless again, and tired of my life being a constant circus.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Give Me One Good Reason

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!


Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Weigh On My Mind

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Call Me In The Morning

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The New Year

Today marks the year anniversary of a day I'll prolly never forget...

I don't necessarily wanna dwell on the past, or the experiences that occurred that day. But I think it would be worthwhile to tell the full story. Cause I am not sure if I ever have shared it here. So, let me begin. (I did however give a brief narrative here.)

Cedar City, Utah. June 30, 2010. Morgan had been in Provo for a few days now working as a note taker. Which left me and the Haylee in Cedar alone. Before Morgan left we had gone out and experienced as much of Southern Utah as we could. We both knew it would be the last time that we would be together in that area for a while. (Click here!) Haylee and I had the task of finishing the move from Cedar City, Utah to Mankato, Minnesota.

The day started with me waking up early and loading up the moving trailer. I had not eaten any breakfast that morning since our food was in boxes, and I just assumed I could grab something on the journey to up to Springville where I would be spending a few days with my family before we started the long drive to Minnesota. It took about three hours for me to finish packing and loading the U-Haul. I then proceeded to clean up our house as much as possible. The plan was for me to load, then clean, then shampoo the carpets with rented carpet cleaner, then say "good-bye" to Cedar City.

Those plans changed dramatically when around noon I noticed a man pulling up next to my Toyota Tacoma. I went outside to question him, and he told me that he was repossessing my truck. I was shocked to hear this. I had been making my payments to my credit union for the truck, but had not been able to afford the payments on my personal loan, and credit card. So they were taking my truck as collateral for the back payments. I tried everything that I could to fix the situation before the man took off with my truck. But no dice. So I quickly unhooked the U-Haul from the trailer hitch on my Tacoma, and the man left.

I was devastated. Not only was that my one source of transportation, but it was also the means for us to move to Minnesota. I contacted U-Haul and kinda explained the situation, they told me that I could use the money that I spent on the trailer towards renting a 17-foot moving truck. Seeing no other option, I agreed. The problem with that was the truck was 45 miles away.

A few hours later my neighbors came home. I told them the predicament that I was in, and they agreed to take me to Enterprise to get the truck, but it would cost me $45.00 to do so. I was desperate, so I agreed. While loading the trailer onto their Jeep, my neighbor lost his grip on the trailer tongue and the weight of the trailer came crashing down onto my right middle finger, breaking the knuckle and causing it to gush blood. With my left hand I picked the trailer up off my finger and placed it on the hitch. Something that I have no idea just how I really did... With the rush that I was in I didn't have time to properly see to my finger, so I just took care of the bleeding and we began our journey to Enterprise.

After securing the U-Haul truck I began the task of unloading the trailer of all of our belongings to just reload it all into the truck. By this time it was around 5:00 pm, and extremely hot. I still had not eaten anything, and was starting to become quiet exhausted. My neighbors were quick to leave me as soon as we had got into town. So the burden was all on me. I finally finished around 7:30 and began the drive back home to Cedar City.

By the time I got back to Cedar I was famished. I was tired. I was sore. I was angry. I was beat. I cleaned the house and the carpets quickly. Finished loading everything and securing it all. Then Haylee and I said "good-bye" to out home, and started the drive to Springville.

Around 2:30 am the next day I arrived at my parents house. Looking back at that day, I am honestly surprised that I was able to do all that needed to be done. Morgan had been very good to offer help and encouragement for me. But I don't know how I had the strength to handle it all on my own.


A year later I have seen some of the reasons why things happened the way they did that day. I have seen some major blessings that have come from it. And learned some valuable lessons also. It was a day that I don't think that I will ever forget, and a day I hope to never repeat.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Living For Today

...Sigh...

...Sigh...

That's about it.

I am now facing the option of staying in Minnesota or moving back to Utah. There are many contributing factors in this. I will list them in another post. I'm just deep in thought. And sad that my life always has something like this going on...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Clock Was Tickin'

The teacher had you write a letter, you were eight years old
About the man that you’d become and the positions you’d hold
But this was long before you and Jackie Geronimo met in the Prelude Park at midnight
Now when it came to bells and whistles, Jackie did not lack
And when she kissed you on the kisser, boy, you kissed her back
Now you tell her that you love her and she cuts you slack
When you drink with your buddies on the weekend

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
You spend your whole life dropping nickels in the bucket, wakin’ up at dawn
And while Jackie bestowed the joys of fingerlickin’
The clock up on the wall was tickin’

You got yourself a job cleaning hospital floors
But Jackie had a baby, then she had five more
They’d pay you just enough to drag your ass to the store
To buy bread, milk and Better Homes & Gardens
Jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams
A cottage in the country built with real wood beams
There’s a baby in the bedroom, he’s starting to scream
She holds him though he probably won’t remember it

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Now the kids are all grateful when they left the nest
And Jackie wasn’t perfect but she did her best
You seize the opportunity to get you some rest
But you can’t sleep on account of screaming grandkids

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
But you can’t quit cause Jackie needs the benefits

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
They say patience is a virtue but the doctor says she don’t have long
You stood up and tried your damndest not to listen
But that clock up on the wall was tickin’

When they told you to clear the room, that’s when it hit you
You watched as the caravan took your sweetheart away
The arguments and fights and money troubles seem so worthless
As the kids throw yellow roses on her grave

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
The house is quiet now and everything inside it seems to know she’s gone
There’s a picture of you both sixteen years old just kissing
And that clock up on the wall was tickin’

You always thought she had a chance and it was somewhere hidden
Now you’ve come to the conclusion that she never did
Not a chance, that is

Monday, May 16, 2011

Retrace

Ugh…I am exhausted! In the last two and a half weeks I have been in seven states, had seven flights, been in and out of four different times zones, and from sea level elevation to over a mile high. I had way too many restaurant/fast food meals, and not enough sleep. But with that said, I have had a wonderful time!

I am officially a college graduate! FINALLY! While I was in Utah I was able to finish up my internship with Ameritech. It feels nice to be done with that. And they were really good about helping me finish. I am grateful for that. Yay!

I had a good time while I was in Utah. I spent a bunch of time with my family, and friends. I met my nephew, Declan for the first time. He's a good little dude. I call him Captain Stink Pants. I think the name fits him very well! I do love my family. I am grateful for all that they do for me. I am not sure when the next time is that I will see them.

I was able to relax. Fish. Hike. Rock climb. Watch movies. Play video games. BBQ. Play home run derby. Drive a car. Chill. Finish surgeries. Hang out. Play guitar. Jam. And prolly more. It was a good time. But it is good to be home too.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Story

Wow. That was quite the adventure.

Let me tell you the story of my adventures this past weekend. On Tuesday night I left Mankato for the airport. I bummed a ride from my home teacher. His car lacked heating and with my shorts and the cold weather we were having it became a cold ride. But I was grateful for the ride. My flight didn't leave until Wednesday morning, so I just figured I could sleep at the airport. Boy was I wrong. There was construction and cleaning and people and nothing that would help a guy like me sleep. It was a long, long night.

When I landed in Boston I had trouble getting a hold of David or Chuckie, so I wasn't exactly sure where I needed to go...but soon figured it out. I fell in love with Boston almost immediately. It is such a beautiful city. I was happy to see the Furse's again. It had been nearly a year since I had. For David's Bachelor Party the three of us went to Providence, Rhode Island and ate at some fancy restaurant and then enjoyed Taking Back Sunday in concert. It was prolly the eighth time I've seen TBS, but it they put on a good show!

The rest of the time that I was there was basically spent in a mini-van with Chuckie. Seriously. We did so much driving around, running errands and picking things up with the wedding and such. Plus the many times that we went back and forth to pick people up from the airport. We had some good conversations during that time. So that was good. I got lost in Downtown Boston once while I was driving on my own. But soon found my way outta there.

Friday was the wedding. The Boston Temple is really beautiful. I was happy for Dave and Lindsey. They seemed very happy too. Here are some photos from it!


I wasn't able to spend too much time with them all. But I was really glad that I could be there to support the Furse's and Lindsey. It was a fun trip!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Right Now

It has been a while since I last blogged. For that I am sorry. It seems that I have a lot to catch up on…

So let me begin.

It has been over two months since I had my bankruptcy hearing. I have not heard anything since then, but my lawyer told me that it could take up to 90 days for the court to clear everything. So I am just waiting patiently. I have been really trying to manage my finances better this time around. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I have in the past. A few days ago I was sitting down making a budget for the next few months, and noticed with the time that I will be taking off to go to Boston and Utah, that I needed some extra cash. So I prayed about where I could get it, and the thought came to me that I should sell my car. I thought long about it. And with the weather starting to warm up a bit, I assumed that I would be fine to just ride the scooter around. So I listed my car on craigslist, and 3 hours later I sold it! I even made a profit of $400 on the car… I think it was an answer to a sincere prayer. But…here is the downside to that. The next day it snowed. And then rained. And has been miserable since. Oh well, I suppose that is what makes life interesting.

School is basically over now. Wahoo! The semester has gone by really fast. I have managed to stay on top of all my courses. I think that I have done well. Who would have known a little effort helps?! I have signed up for some summer classes with SUU, but I am not sure if I will take them or not. I am still waiting to see what MNSU says about my transcripts and such. So I they take me now for the fall semester, then these summer classes with SUU won’t matter. I will need to do some more research into the situation.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I will be taking my X-Ray Certification test this summer. I am excited for it. Then the next thing will be Anesthesia Certification…and from what I have heard, that one is pretty difficult. But I love this job. And love learning about it. So I am not too worried. I know that I have said it before, but I really did luck out on getting this job.

I have been gymming just about every day now. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With the other days being a cardio workout of some kind. I finally feel like I am getting some of my strength back. It feels so good! I really do love to workout. I am running again, and I love it!

I haven’t really heard anything about playing baseball for the Mankato Twins yet. I have been in contact with the coach, but the practices and meetings keep being moved around and such. But I will keep on it. I really wanna play! Me and one of the missionaries in the ward have been playing catch, and hitting some batting practice whenever we can. I have been able to throw, and somewhat pitch without my shoulder hurting. And that is really a beautiful thing!

I will be leaving tomorrow for Boston for David and Lindsey’s wedding. I am excited for them. I haven’t seen either since last summer. And I have never been in Boston before. So It should be a lot of fun. I will try to take lots of pictures and stuff.

After Boston I will be heading to Utah for two weeks! And hopefully be really finished with Ameritech College. I know that I have said that before too. But I only need to do 44 surgeries. That should be an easy accomplishment in two weeks’ time. It has taken far too long to get this all over and done with. I am hoping to finish early and then be able to spend some time with my family and friends. That would be very nice. And maybe sleep in too…

I think that is all that has been going on lately. I am still trying to keep up on my commitment to live the Gospel. I think when I get to Utah I will buy a new set of scriptures. I am reading out of my missionary set right now. Which is great, but I think I am in a different spot of life now than I was as a missionary. And am in need of different lessons and such. Life is progressing well right now. And I am a happy Josh.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

...But Home Is Nowhere

Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun
To understand my, my intimate is no one
When the director sold the show, who bought its last rights
They cut the cast, the music, and the lights

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues
Such revelations while understood by no one
When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace
Please clear this house of ill-aquired taste

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something
Give me something, give me something real

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I end up here
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone




I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words, I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this, hurts me


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you that it haunts me
You don't care that it haunts me

Oh
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you

Friday, March 25, 2011

For Reasons Unknown

Have you ever received an answer to a prayer, and wondered if you really did? Or if it was just a fleeting thought from your own mind? Well, I have. Let me elaborate.

Last summer I was faced with a decision to move to Minnesota. I had a very good job opportunity there, and I was desperate for a job. But moving across the country is a big deal. It meant leaving all my friends and family. And everything familiar to me. And basically starting all over.

I prayed about the move, and felt that it would be a very good thing for me. My parents told me that they did the same thing, and felt the same as me. So, I trusted my gut and moved.

Shortly after making my home in Minnesota the challenges began to set it. The job I moved across the country for fell through. I was unemployed again. And I remember wondering why I felt so good about moving here, if I was going to be unemployed again? Then luckily I found a very good job. And I was blessed.

Things started to work for me again. Then due to mistakes and poor decision-making on my part my life financially really started to fall apart. Worse than ever before. Then what started as a "break" between me and Morgan eventually led to a break-up. And I hit that downward spiral with all the force of my being.

Life literally fell apart for me. The only stability I had was in my job. I would wake up feeling depressed and terrible. And that would persist through my day, and onto my nights. I was miserable. I felt like I had lost everything in my life that made me who I was. And lost the love of my life. The only solace I had was in hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Deep down inside of me I wanted to change. I wasn't happy with the person that I had become. Eventually I started to put the pieces of my life back together. It was a slow, painful process. It still is. I was finally having to start over.

Time past, and wounds began to heal. I still had a very hard time accepting what had happened. It was surreal to me. I kept fighting, and wanting to change the past. And force the future. But I soon realized that it was a futile fight. And the only thing that it was doing was hurting me more. I really needed to sit down and evaluate what I was doing, and what I wanted. What it was that was the most important to me.

About this point I really began to wonder why I was here. Why would the Lord prompt me to move across the country if I was only to suffer? It made no sense to me. I had had some good times in Minnesota, but was it really only about that? I had a good job here, but surely I could have moved back to Utah and found a job there too. Maybe if I would have done that Morgan and I would have still been together? Maybe life wouldn't have fallen apart on me like it had? I was frustrated. I was angry. I had put my trust in a Being that didn't really seem to care for me. Like I thought He did.

I found myself being angry at pretty much everything. But most of the anger was directed to God. I tried to put on a good face when I was working. I smiled a life-less smile to Morgan. Church and prayer became pointless to me. Anger and frustration were the only feelings present at those moments. Scripture study was useless. I was done. I was ready to give up and move on with my life without God. As far as I was concerned He really didn't care for me. So why should I care for him?

I really began to wonder what the point of all this had been. Why did I have to suffer so much? Why couldn't I just be happy like I once was? Why was so much of who I was tied up in feelings that were now just one sided? Why when I needed God the most did He seem to leave me? Why had I devoted so much of my life to something that left me feeling so alone? It no longer mattered to me. I was ready to walk away for good.

Then, just when I thought things were hopeless I was slapped in the face by the epiphatree.

In a matter a few days my life has changed. That first change was the wake-up call I got from Dr Kim last week. (For more on this subject, click here!) The second literally has been life changing.

When I was a zone leader on my mission I remember teaching my missionaries that they could "bind the Lord" to a specific blessing. That was if they did all that they could do, and were obedient to the mission rules and to the gospel. A few days ago that memory came back to me. As well as the thought that I could apply this same principle in my life right now. That if I went to the Lord with a specific blessing in mind, and did all that I could do accomplish it myself, that He would be bound to bless me with what I need.

I pondered on this for a few hours. I decided that my life was worth it. So I went to the Lord in prayer and told him that I would be completely obedient to His commandments and the gospel as I know it, and in return He would give me my life back.

As I said, this has been life changing. I feel like I have a new light inside of me. My soul feels alive again. I am feeling confident and optimistic. Hopeful for the first time in months.

Looking back now... Maybe this is why I felt prompted to move to Minnesota. I was talking to a close friend about all this. He asked me if I were back in Utah if I thought I would have gained these new insights into my life? I thought about his question for a few moments and told him I doubt that these insights would have come at all. Even if I would have had all the struggles in Utah as I have had here recently, I would of had my family and friends to really help me through them. But being here, I have had to rely on myself. My family and friends have helped me a lot, but the majority of it has come from me.

It has been a rough road. But I think these were the lessons that I needed to learn. I needed to realize that my goals and life aspirations are up to me. I can no longer sit idly by and hope that they will happen on their own. I also realized that I do need God in my life. I am a strong, stubborn person, but I am ultimately helpless without His help. I know that now.

Life is interesting. It's hard, and it is a challenge. But I love it. I am excited for the life and the experiences that are in store for me now. And grateful for the help that has brought me to this point.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Float On

So I have been listening to Modest Mouse a lot more recently. That would explain why my last post is titled as it is. However, today's post could not be more accurately named. And it is 100% true.

Let me tell you a story.

Five years ago (plus one week), a young man came off of an airplane. He had goals, and aspirations. He wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he knew he could do it. He had just spent the previous two years as a missionary for his church in San Francisco California. He learned a lot about life while living there. Many positive things, and many negative things. Lessons that he knew would stick with him for the remainder of his life.

This 21-year old man was extremely talented in many of lives pursuits. He was very smart. Very confident. And was very capable to excel in anything that he tried. Be it; academics, athletics, or just life in general. Hardly ever in his life had he really ever needed to try to succeed. Things just came natural for him. And he realized that.

Soon though his life started to fill up with new activities. And he began to forget many of those lessons that he swore he wouldn't ever forget. He soon realized (like all returned missionaries) that life can be hectic. And is not nearly as simple as it once was. He became lazy. Rather than trying to excel and be the best at whatever he tried, he settled for mediocre. He knew that all he really needed to do what apply minimal effort, and he would be able to get by. So he did.

Life kept changing for him. He had many opportunities to grow, and become a better man. But he choose the easier option. He had convinced himself that he didn't need to try hard and excel or learn. But instead all he needed to do was to show up. And he would be just fine. He missed out on those opportunities.

Today, he is in Minnesota. And he has different goals and different aspirations than he did five years ago. Ultimately with the same end result, but through a different path. Up until this moment he never really gave them much thought. He knew that he would have to work. And try to accomplish these things. But not really try. He knew that they would not just fall into his lap, but why put forth all the effort if he doesn't have to?

But that is just it. He realized today that he can be successful. And he can live life the way he is right now. And he will just continue to float on like he has been the past five years. And those goals that he had would be nothing more than a faded dream. Long since forgotten and out of reach.

Or, he can try. He can realize that these things that he is hoping to accomplish are going to be a challenge. And they will be hard. And the only way that he can reach these goals is if he puts forth the necessary effort. But not just the necessary effort. He needs to be the best. The best that he can be. And that means doing more than he is used to. That means stretching himself. And pushing himself to be the best. Otherwise, he will never accomplish them.



There have been many realizations that have come to me in my life. But I can honestly say that none of them have come with more power, and more emphasis than this one did today. I realized that I have not really tried with anything for a long, long time. I have done what little I needed to do to get by. And it has worked. And it has cost me more than I can imagine. I have a wonderful ability to learn, and excel in things so easily. What is a challenge to most people, is an easy accomplishment for me. I have had chances and opportunities for huge personal growth, but I have chosen the easier way. This has applied with pretty much everything in my life. School, work, relationships, activities...you name it. And I am ashamed with myself. Ashamed.

I did not write this post to brag, or to build myself up. I have no need to do either. I wrote it to share with you what I just learned. I am not proud of the way I have been coasting through life. Who knows what those decisions have cost me? Who knows where I would be today if I would have just applied the effort that comes so easily to me? But I do know what I want for me today. And what I want for me tomorrow. And the next day. I am the only one who can make it happen. And if I really want to accomplish my goals, then I will find a way to do it. I won't look for the easy way out. Or the excuse that fits my needs. I won't rationalize my way to get what I want.

This is my life. I have the chance to do whatever it is I want. But wants and goals aren't enough to accomplish this. It takes effort. And it takes work. And it takes me.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Parting Of The Sensory

"Lousy Smarch weather"... I have never really been one to complain about the weather. I love the hot, sweaty days. I love the rainy days. I love the snowing, freezing-your-bum off days. And everything in between. But, I am ready for Spring. I want to go exploring. And hiking. And fishing. And being out enjoying Minnesota. Someday I suppose...

There really hasn't been much new going on in my life recently. But I thought I would kinda post a general update on things. So I am. I will try to hit all the main topics going on in my life as of now.

I started a new weight training program at my gym this week. I gotta say, I haven't pushed myself this hard in a long, long time. And it feels so good! Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday as my cardio days. After just a week of this, my knees and shoulders are finally starting to feel like they are getting strong again. I am anxious to see some more progress! I feel like this is a good strategy and plan for me.

School is going well. I am actually surprised at myself... I forgot how well I can do in my studies, if I just apply some effort! However, I do currently have a D- in one class. My elearning site (SUU's online portal) was down for about a week, and caused me to miss a pretty big test and assignment in one class. And as such my grade went from an A to an F. I am working on bringing it back up. In time. It is an easier semester than some of my previous ones, but I do need to re-develop my study habits. And I think that I am. And that makes me happy!

Work has been long lately. Long and tiring. I still really enjoy my job. I like the people that I work with. We have been hanging out a lot more recently. It is the usual places; BDub's (Buffalo Wild Wings, or the sushi place, or Pagliai's. It is fun to go and just hang out again. It has been such a long time since I have. It's nice to have friends. I really don't know why I ever tried to convince myself (and others) that I didn't need them. I am a social person, and somehow forgot that.

The missionaries have been coming over quite a bit recently too. I told them once that they were welcome whenever, and they have taken that literally. I am still trying to find my spirituality again. I feel like I am kinda on a plateau right now. Just stuck.

I haven't heard anything from my bankruptcy attorney since the meeting with my creditors a few weeks ago. I suppose that is a good thing... I am slightly worried that they will come back with something. I dunno what though. I just want to get it all finished. So I can officially move on.

Morgan went away for Spring Break this week. So I have the pleasure to watch the Haylee. I love this dog. Morgan told me once that Haylee has the ability to convert people to dogs. I didn't believe her at the time. But it is true. She really is amazing. We have been going on walks everyday. And playing and such. It is nice having her in my little apartment. Every time that I see another dog, it makes me appreciate Haylee even more.

Life is starting to be ohk again. I know what is missing, and I am alright with it right now. I think that for a long, LONG time I have just been stubborn and fight to have my way. A trait that can be admirable, but a trait that makes some things very hard. So I am just taking a big step back, and trusting that things will work out. One way or the other. And realizing that me fighting may not be the best thing for it. My feelings haven't changed, but I am. Changing for the better.

I forgot what it is like to be busy! Sometimes I look back and wonder just how Morgan was able to do all that she did. My schedule is no where near as busy as hers is, or was. Yet I find myself not having enough time in each day to get what I need done. I feel bad for not understanding that before. I have started my night dance classes. I will be modest when I say this, I am the best student in the class! So far we have learned the Tango, the Foxtrot, and a Waltz. I am enjoying it. I thought that maybe it would be a good chance to meet girls near my age...but I was wrong. My dance partner is some 55 year old woman. But it is alright. I am learning. And having fun while doing it. My Spanish class is going well too. I am amazed at how quickly the language is coming back to me. It has been 5 years since I last spoke it. And I forgot most of it. But so far, just two weeks into class, I am having conversations again. It is a good feeling. I auditioned for a musical this week. The Fantasticks. It was prolly the best that I have ever auditioned before. The director and musical director told me they were very impressed...after they found out that I will be outta town when the show opens. Oh well. I am glad to know that I still have that talent. They told me to make sure that I audition for their next show. Whenever that will be...

I found out that Ameritech has a site for me to finish up my internship with them. I will be working at the Orem Community Hospital from May 2 - May 13. It will be nice to FINALLY get that outta the way. I realize that it has been my problem, and I should have finished it a long time ago. But again, lets remember my sentence about my stubbornness...

I think that is all... Life is going well.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

One Day

I don't want this post to seem like I am beating down on myself. No, please take it the other way. With that said, let me begin.

One day, I will be proud of the way I look. I see pictures of me and see a much thinner Josh. And I can't cite many reasons/excuses why I think I have chunked out. But I decided today to take a different outlook.

I was at the gym running my first mile in months (yes, my knee is very sore. I have ice on it as I type this), and I was thinking to myself. I have gained quite a bit of weight in the past two + years. I have tried several diets, and quick solutions...but none have really worked out for me. I know that I am by no means a chunk-a-lunk. And I know that I still look good. But I am not happy with the current situation of my pant or belly size.

So tonight I propose something a little different. Starting tomorrow I am gonna record everything that I eat, and hold myself accountable for it. I don't think that I eat junk food. Fast food makes me ridiculously sick, so I have never really eaten much of that. But I am sure that I can find areas to improve. At the same time I know myself. I know that I will start this, then get bored of it cause of my terrible attention span. So I am gonna allow you to hold me accountable too.

I have created a new blog for me to record what I eat. I do not expect you to check it on a daily basis, and text me asking why I drank a coke...but I think that making it public just may in fact help to keep me working towards my goal. And I realize that in order for that to work, then I need to be completely honest about it. Which I plan on being.

I think that I will also include what I did as far as exercise too. Might as well make it a daily journal of calorie intake, and outtake.

You can check it out, here!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Punk Rock Song

Ha! So maybe the title isn't all that applicable, but it leads me to think of the same things anyways.

Prolly two years ago my eyes were caught by a simply amazing skateboard. But I knew that I really didn't have the money to spend on it, so I just kept it in my memories. Today, after I received my tax return, I decided it was time to make the purchase. And let me tell ya, I am happy I did. Here it is:




It is all custom built by me, and it rides so beautifully! Ahhhh! I love it. It is the only purchase that I will be making will my tax return, so I am pleased that it was worth it. I also blogged about it on my goal blog. You can catch up on that one by clicking here!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Everyday Combat

Today was a very eventful day. Allow me to explain.

I've had the flu for a week now, and it has kept me up just about every night. Regardless if I take anything to help me sleep or not. It has been quite miserable. But I finally slept last night. And I did not wanna get outta bed. But I needed to. For you see I had an appointment to see a dermatologist to get some spots looked at on my back and chest. Morgan first noticed the spots in September, and it has taken this long for me to be able to get in to see the Dr. I really had no idea what they could be, so I was a little shocked when the Dr told me that I have skin cancer. Actinic Keratosis to be exact. She said that since both of my parents have had skin cancer at one point, and I have darker skin that I was predisposed to get it. Good news, right? Oh well, she said that this is the least of all the skin cancers, and that it is fairly easy to treat. She is having me start some medication, and a topical cream. And then go back in a month, and see how things look then. She also said that this type of skin cancer does not metastasize, and there is no chance that it would ever reach my lymph system of anything, So I guess if I am gonna get a cancer, I lucked out and good one that is easy to deal with. So much for me having beautiful skin... Ha!

After I left the Dr I drove off to downtown Mankato and had my bankruptcy court meeting with my creditors. I sat there for prolly an hour before my case was called. I was the best dressed of all the people there...I forgot how good I looked in a suit and tie. None of my creditors came, so my case was with my attorney and trustee. He asked me several questions about my financial history. It was probably the easiest court appearance I have had in my vast experience. Afterward my attorney told me that I did really well. And that he had all that he needed from me. That in about 60 days I would receive a notice stating my bankruptcy case is finished, and all my debts are gone. It is a big relief. I should have done this a long time ago.

I am lucky to be able to start all over again with a clean slate. I am very grateful for this opportunity. Now is the test though. The test to see if I have actually learned from my mistakes. And that I don't fall back into the same problems that I had before. I hope that is the case. I think it will be.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

When I Come Around

About a year ago I had a photography assignment where I needed to capture "me" in one self-portrait. This was a hard task for me. Cause I think I am such a varied person, and I didn't know how I could show all the facets of who I am in one picture. I thought on the task for quite a while, then came up with an idea to ask all my family and friends to use one adjective to describe how they see me. There is a good chance that you got that text message.

Now a year later I am looking at that list and wonder how many of those adjectives still describe me. And who I am now. I think that the majority of them are still there, and still apply to me...but I would have to add a few to that list now. Struggling. Depressed. Sad. Remorseful. Discouraged. Those are just a few that I can think of. But looking at the list of how you described me, those adjectives should not be there. Why should I let the current circumstances determine who I am?

Yeah, Morgan was a huge part of who I was. But just because we are no longer together, does not mean that I can not be who I was. It does not mean that I need to adopt these new characteristics. Like depression. Or Remorse. Traits that won't do me any good to have. I think that I have held on to my feelings of sadness for so long, that I am at risk making them become a permanent part of who I am...rather than just emotions and fleeting feelings.

So...(deep breath)... They are gone. I have let go of them.

I am Josh Wright, and I am; Caring. Jovial. Strong. Talented. Jolly. Innocent. Goofy. Laid-back. Outstanding. Chill. Gentle. Sincere. Determined. Hardworking. Bright. Crazy-awesome. Friendly. Gnarly. Funny. Engaging. Tenacious. Charming. Joker. Amazing. Breathtaking. Clever. Ostentatious. A schemer. Ambitious. Cultured. Boundless. Genuine. Outgoing. Funny. Easy-going. Witty. Optimistic. Loyal. Loving.

What's done is done. I need to accept that fact. I need to move on with my life, as much as that hurts me. And as much as I don't want to. How am I ever supposed to heal, if I keep opening my wounds? How am I ever supposed to be me again, if I don't start acting like, me? I love Morgan. I love the time that we had together. She did so many wonderful things for me. Sadly, those times are over. I will always love her. And she will always have a special place in my heart. I would love for us to come back together in the future. It would be a dream come true.

But this is my time. My time to be selfish, and live life for me. Time for the Josh that you all know, to be Josh again. Time to take up those characteristics that you said described me as. In the words of a modern-day prophet: "It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place that here? What better time than now?"


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Stick, a Carrot & String

For my birthday Seth and Marissa gave me a vinyl recording of Dustin Kensrue's Christmas album This good Night Is Still Everywhere. It was a very cool gift. And something that I had previously asked for. But forgotten about. There were two reasons why I thought it would make a good gift. 1. It is a vinyl recording of a great album! 2. Dustin released two new songs on it. And I wanted to hear them.

Since I do not own a record player, I had no way of hearing those two new tunes. So I bought the songs on iTunes. I listened to them, and liked them. But only recently really started to like one of them. A little song called 'A Stick, a Carrot & String'. This is it.



Yeah. Amazing. However I will admit, it is hard to understand the lyrics. So I suggest listening to the song again, while reading them. Here they are:

The horse's hay beneath His head
Our Lord was born to a manger bed
That all whose wells run dry
Could drink of His supply

To keep Him warm, the sheep drew near
So grateful for His coming here
Come with news of grace
Come to take my place

The donkey whispered in His ear
"Child, in 30-some-odd years
You'll ride someone who looks like me
Untriumphantly"

The cardinals warbled a joyful song
He'll make right what man made wrong
Bringing low the hills
That the valleys might be filled

Then "Child", asked the birds
"Well, aren't they lovely words we sing?"
The tiny baby layed there
Without saying anything

At a distance stood a mangy goat
With the crooked teeth and a matted coat
Weary eyes and worn
Chipped and twisted horns

Thinking "maybe I'll make friends someday
With the cows and the hens in the rambouillet
But for now, I'll keep away
I've got nothing smart to say"

There's a sign on the barn
In the cabbage town
"When the rain picks up
And the sun goes down
Sinners, come inside
With no money, come and buy
No clever talk, nor a gift to bring
Requires our lowly, lovely king
Come now empty handed, you don't need anything"

And the night was cool
And clear as glass
With the sneaking snake in the garden grass
Deep cried out to deep
The disciples fast asleep

And the snake perked up
When he heard You ask
"If you're willing that
This cup might pass
We could find our way back home
Maybe start a family all our own"

"But does not the Father guide the Son?
Not My will, but Yours be done.
What else here to do?
What else Me, but You?"

And the snake who'd held the world
A stick, a carrot and a string
Was crushed beneath the foot
Of Your not wanting anything

I like it. I realize that it is meant as a Christmas song. But oh well. Enjoy!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Reckless Abandon

Life is an adventure. I think that God designed it as such. And for me, it is quite the adventure.

Today started off like any other Thursday...with a few exceptions. Mainly the fact that I woke up at 8:30 and didn't worry about rushing off to work. No, I had the day off. And had a full day of skiing at Mt. Kato planned. So after eating a satisfying breakfast of oatmeal I loaded my tiny car to the brim with my skies and accessories. It being the first time in about a year since my last skiing outing.

I may need to remind you that I had another knee surgery about 1 1/2 months ago. And I didn't really have clearance from my doctor to go skiing yet...but the craving was too much to not take advantage of it. :-) So I wore my knee brace, and planned on being extremely cautious. As much as I thought that would kill me.

Mt. Kato turned out to be fun. But needless to say, a bit dull. Honestly, I was laughing to myself pretty much the full day. (Now thinking about it, I prolly looked like I had just escaped from a mental institution the way I was laughing...) Oh well. I took their version of a Black Diamond run, and skied it in only 7 seconds. That was without really trying. Just skiing. In about a half-hour I had skied the entire mountain. And if you took that Mt Kato link above, then you know that it not a hard thing to comprehend. I went by myself, but kinda made a ski buddy with some snowboarder from Northern Minnesota. We skied for a good number of hours. It was fun to get outta my boring apartment, and do what I love to do. And I can say that I skied safely without injuring (or re-injuring) myself.

On my way home from skiing I stopped at my lawyers office to drop off some papers to him. Walking back to my car I slipped on some nasty ice/slush and landed really awkwardly. I tried to cushion my fall and protect my knee. But ended up dislocating my left shoulder. Along with getting some bad bruises up and down my leg.

This being about the 15th time something like this has happened, I went home and tried to put it back in myself. Four hours later I realized it wasn't gonna happen. So I took off to the emergency room to have them do it. 1 1/2 hours later the doctor was able to get my shoulder back into place. Everyone there was surprised that I didn't want to be put to sleep for it. And that I handled the pain so well.

Sigh... So after being so careful and cautious skiing, I slip in a parking lot and end up in the emergency room. This is why I say my life is an adventure. It makes me think that God really does have a sense of humor. And that He is up there just laughing at all my misadventures. I hope that I am putting on a good show for Him!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Imagine

Today I had a great idea. Back in July Morgan showed me a website called etsy.com. Basically an eBay type of site that allows members to sell their own art work, or crafts or whatever.

So today the idea struck me to sell my art work on it. But more specifically my paintings and skateboards. It is something that I love to do, so why not make some money off them too?!

I painted a skateboard today. It was my first, and done with oil paint so not the greatest. I am thinking for the skateboard decks I will need to get some acrylic paint. But here it is.






You are welcome to check it out if you'd like. Here!

In Exile

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day we'll see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I wont rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived
Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I really don't know what I wanna write tonight. I just know that I feel like I need to.

I don't think that I have been too honest lately. I think that I have been trying to put on a facade. And act like I am doing better than I actually am. But to be brutally honest, I am not okay. I haven't been for quite some time now.

I would say a year ago Morgan told me that she thought I was depressed. I disregarded it. Me, the Josh Wright, how could I be depressed?! I was though. I was living vicariously through Morgan. And through other people. So naturally, I was depressed. Denying me to live my life automatically forced that depression on. This isn't something new. I have discussed it in depth in previous posts. I am just trying to build up some background. (I think anyways...)

Since Morgan and I broke up I have been trying to heal. And trying to get my life back in order. I have needed to for a long time now. I think that Morgan stepping out was a wonderful display of her love for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. She is right. I need this "Josh time". It is nice to know that I can focus entirely on me. And I like to think that I have been making some great progress. (See my last post for more details on that.)

But at the same time I absolutely HATE this. I know that I hurt Morgan with my stupid financial junk. I am trying to forgive myself. I hate that I have driven her away. And that my poor money managing skills, and poor life management drove her out of my life. I found someone who I loved. Who I would go to the ends of the world with. Someone who made me genuinely happy. I never ever anticipated us ever breaking up. I thought we would grow old together. And I looked forward to that.

I miss her so much though. I love her with all of my heart, and soul. I want nothing more than for me to get my life back in order, and for her to be by my side again. I know that I am supposed to be focusing on me. And I have been. Honestly. But I can not let go of what we had. And I can't not wish for that again. It is something that I think about everyday.

That is what I mean when I say that I am not okay. Morgan is dating another guy now. And I'll be honest, the first time I saw him I wanted to do something terrible to him. I don't know him, but I can't stand him. I have asked a few girls out, but with no luck yet. I am trying to heal. And trying to move on as much as it kills me. But I love her. And I want her. I want another chance with her. I loved "being a family".

I can't go on with this charade anymore either. I want her to love me the way that she did. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms. And tell her "I love you". I want to kiss her. And hold her. And feel at piece with her. I realize that this isn't all me either. That there are things that Morgan needs to work out in her life.

I don't know why I am in a rush to get things back to normal. If things ever get back to normal. But I feel like I am making progress. And I feel like I am headed in a good direction to get my life straightened out. I think it all comes down to a simple fact; I was happy with her. Extremely happy. And I want that again.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I wish I did. I want Morgan to see me, and see the Josh that she fell in love with. I want her to want to be with me again. She is an amazing person. She is wonderful, and caring. She is hardworking and motivated. She is stunningly beautiful. She is an angel. She was my angel.

I know that life will work itself out. I don't doubt that. I believe that there is a Dude above who has a plan for us all. I am trying to trust His plan. I have tried to force my way too long. And I believe it has accounted for some of my mess right now. I am trying to be happy. Trying to live life again.

There. I am now completely vulnerable. Judge me for how you will. But I am being honest. With myself, with God, and with you.

Morgan, I love you. I will always love you.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

This Life

It has been a while since I last posted anything. So perhaps it is time.

Things have been different lately. School has started up again. I only have 12 credits this semester. Much easier to handle than the 21 of last semester. And I have actually been doing really well with keeping up with my work. Two weeks in, and haven't fallen behind yet! I have been feeling really good about it. I want to get into good habits with school. And not procrastinate things like I always have done in the past.

Work has been going well too. I had the flu for about a week and a half. And missed a few days of work. I am finally over it. It was nasty, that's for sure. We had one of our assistants retire over the Christmas break, and so we have been busier than we used to be. But that is alright, I really don't mind the slightest. I have really enjoyed this job. Dr Marlow is fun to work with. And is really good about teaching, and explaining things. It is nice to be paid to train in the career that I wanna do! I have some good co-workers too. They make the job fun. And we work well together. I really am happy with it. I feel like I lucked out in getting this job.

I have been meeting with the missionaries quite a bit lately. We're not really doing much more than chatting, but it has been nice to have the company. I have really been trying to rediscover my spirituality lately. I have been reading the Book Of Mormon in the morning over my cereal. And then I started the Doctrine and Covenants to read in bed. I have been really trying to make my prayers meaningful too. I just think that it is a key thing for me to discover myself again. I know it will take some time though.

I have non-officially become the designated driver for my friends whenever we go out. Which has been happening more regularly now. I don't mind drinking my Coca-Cola Classic while they get wasted. Haha! And it is nice to know that I have friends who respect me for not drinking, and who don't try to pressure or suade me to drink. My wallet likes it a lot better too. My $5.00 bill for a few cokes is much better than their $35.00 for alcohol...

My bankruptcy has officially been filed. I am awaiting my court date, I guess it will happen within the next 30 days. Then about 45-60 days after that, it will all be finished. I am glad that I shopped around for lawyers too. Mine seems to be really good, and is very personable. I am comfortable with him and his team. I have been trying to live according to a budget. It gets difficult at times. But it is something that I really need to do. It is a good feeling to know that I can pay my bills, and not have to stress over where I am gonna get the money. Granted, it has only been a few weeks, but it is a relief none-the-less. I have been applying for a second job too. I got hired at a movie theater a few weeks back. But whenever I would call to speak with the manager for details he "wasn't in". And after a week and a half of trying, I decided that if he can't show me the decency of returning a phone call, then I am done with it. I think that another job would be really good for me too. Just give me more cushion financially.

I signed up for some community education classes. I am excited for them to start. I am taking a ballroom dance class. Morgan has tried to teach me before, but unsuccessfully. I guess I shouldn't say that. I learned a little bit, but was terrible at it. I would love to learn to dance though. I think it is a good skill to know. I am also taking a Spanish class. It is an intro class, but it has been over 5 years since I spoke it on a regular basis, and have forgotten most of it. So I am excited to re-learn it. And anxious to see if I still have those language skills that I had as a missionary. You know, the ability to speak near-fluently after 2 days... I am taking a piano class too. It was my "hey, I should do this" class. Ha! It is just a one time thing. Where they just teach chords, and structure. So it sounds perfect for me. I am excited. They don't start for another month though.

I am still meeting with my therapist. I think that it is really helping. I am amazed how quickly the hour goes by, and how much I can talk... It is just nice to have a non-biased person to talk things through with. I haven't really ever gone in with a specific topic to talk about, but always end up finding something. Honestly, I think that it is something everyone could use. Not just the crazies like me. :-)

I really love Morgan. So very much. There are times and moments when I miss her so much. And when I miss having her in my life. I think that I am healing, but it is a constant struggle for me. She is so wonderful. She makes me feel alive. Both body and soul. I know that this break up is a good thing for me. I think I have needed this time for a while now. I definitely needed to get my life back in order. It fell apart. I think that it is being rebuilt again. I have a slow contractor though, and he sure is taking his time on the rebuild. But that is ohk. It just allows me to work out my problems and my issues fully.

Life is interesting to say the least. I am 100% confident that I will be able to get things back in order. But not just back in order, but better than they were before. I don't want to look back at this time in the future, and wish that I had tried harder. Or done things different. This is my time. This is my life. And I want it to be the best that it can possibly be. And that is totally and completely dependent on me. If I want success in my life, then I need to make success. If I want happiness, then I need to make happiness. I can't rely on those around me and my loved ones to provide that for me. They can be instrumental in it; but ultimately it depends on me.

I never meant to write another novel, just seems to happen. My apologies.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Little Things

Sometimes I forget how simple things can be.

I am the type of person who has to understand things. I do it with practically every situation I have ever been in. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be when applied to all aspects of my life. Especially spiritually.

Ether 12:27 states: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I read over that verse last night several times. And I have read over it several times today. For a long time now my faith has been in what I can explain. What makes logical sense to me. And that is not what faith is.

I need to start to look at things from an eternal perspective. God is in control. I have fought that long enough. His grace is sufficient. He can make my weaknesses become my strengths. If I humble myself, and exert my faith. I don't need to understand. I don't need to see the full picture. Instead, I can be reassured that I will be okay. That my life will work itself out. As long as I do what I need to do, and through my faith God's grace will make up for the rest.

That simple verse gives me so much comfort. I don't need to be fighting always. However, I still need to work hard. I need to try to do all that I can to better my situation. And I need to have faith. That is my goal for the week. Faith and works.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Lazy Eye

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right

And this 'real'
It's impossible if possible
At who's blind word
So clear but so unheard

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this silence all night long
It's just a matter of time

To appear sad
With the same ol' decent lazy eye
Fixed to rest on you
Aim free but so untrue

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Lost and loaded
Still the same ol' decent lazy eye
Straight through your gaze
That's why I said I relate
It's so fun to relate

It's the room the sun and the sky
The room the sun and the sky

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Smile Like You Mean It

I was at the gym today. I rode the exercise bike listening to some classic AFI. Then when I decided I had stressed my knee enough, (I forgot to bring my knee brace again...) I went and did some weights. I followed Derek's lifting routine for chest/pecks. Goodness, it is quite the workout. But the whole time I was gymming I could not get a very simple thought out of my head. I really have not been happy for a while now. I have been depressed, and just existing. Basically just going through the motions of life. And I know that this is something that I have posted before. It is not really a new realization.

I was looking at myself in the mirror while I was lifting, and I could not help but see Josh deep down inside of my reflection. I smiled, but felt like it was a very superficial smile. That fake smile brought back a flood of memories from my past. Old memories, and recent ones alike. I lifted, but my mind was not into it. I watched as these moments flew past in my mind. And I smiled. And my heart smiled. And it was genuine.

I then realized that Morgan (once again...) was right. I was approaching our break with the intentions of fixing it, and proving to her I could do it. I wanted to do it for our relationship. I knew it needed to be for me, but never really understood what that would mean. I think that I do now.

I am sorry if I am being repetitive on things that I have posted before. But writing these things out is far more beneficial for me than you prolly realize.

Back to the gym. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile, and have it be a real smile. ALWAYS! I want to be happy with me again.

There once was a Josh who was carefree. Who lived life to its fullest, and loved it. There was a Josh who would make everyone laugh, and laughed. Who always had a smile on his face. The Josh who knew how to care for others, and live his life at the same time. A Josh who people wanted to be around. Someone who made others feel better about life...just by being himself. He was confident. Positive. Optimistic. Proud of who he was. He didn't rely on others to make him happy. Or relationships to bring him entire happiness, it just happened. Then I realized, I AM THAT JOSH!

I am the Josh who would introduce himself as; The Lord Joshington, The Josh Wright, or The Elder Wright. I am Josh Wright. And I want to be that Josh again. I want to be the person that people don't forget after I walk away. I want to be who I used to be.

I honestly don't think that this will be a very hard adjustment for me. I don't. I know who I am, and I know how I was. And, I know how to be that person again.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Somewhere Out There

For a while now I have been wanting to write a year-in-review blog. One in which I reflect on the positives and negatives of 2010. I thought that it would be beneficial for me to write everything out, but I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

I am beginning to realize that I have kept and dwelt on some of the negative things far too much. And that I have allowed these moments to start to control who I am. And how I perceive life. I don't really like that too much. Life is supposed to be hard and challenging. And I have always liked that. Because I have usually thrived in a challenging atmosphere. But lately, I have allowed these challenges to take a strong hold on me. And drag me down to the depths of misery and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost the things that have mattered most to me in my life. I used to be very spiritual. I prayed. Read my scriptures. I tried to live a life in which I felt a connection to God. I had a desire and love for these things. I can remember what the Spirit felt like. But vaguely. I don't know when I stopped caring and trying for these things. But I did. I did. I consciously threw out the window what once was very important to me; and an integral aspect of who I was. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. I subsist on a day-to-day basis wishing there would be change. That I would change. But never doing anything about it.

I can't help but think that this is probably a main reason as to why I have lost myself. I am sure that there are more.

I have lost material possessions. Stuff that really didn't matter. But at the same time played a big part in the person that I was. I feel like I can trace all these loses back to poor choices on my part. But I don't like to dwell on them.

My heart is broken. It was once full. Okay, it was overfilled. I miss those feelings. I miss that Love. Life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. I wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of my decisions. I can't help but think it would bring about different situation now. It is hard for me to let go. It's hard for me to admit that it is over. That the thing I cherished most in my life is done. I have a hard time looking into the future and seeing me happy. How did I go wrong? Why did I allow myself to be utterly lost in this relationship? I ceased to exist.

Somewhere along the line I subconsciously saw that I was unhappy with my life. But I failed to recognize the reason and source of that unhappiness. Instead, I found an outlet. Something that I could use to mask my feelings. Some one who would make me happy. And I liked it. I soon forgot about my feelings. I soon forgot about my needs. And naturally those feelings and needs became more apparent to other people. But I was stubborn, and would not see them. I continued to mask and hide them. I pushed harder, and was more persistent. I would not admit that I had a problem. I was strong. I was stubborn. I was a liar. I no longer cared for me. I existed only in a physical state. My sole purpose was to live for other people. My life was no longer my life. I had freely given it away. And not in a noble sense. Or even in a way that deserves respect. No, what I did was wrong. There was no honor in it. No reason to be looked up to. I was selfish in being so selfless.

Like I said; life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. What's done, is done. As much as I hate my situation now and wish it were different, I need to embrace it. This is my life. I have to see that. I have to start living again. And living for me. My choices and decisions need to be made with my best interest in mind. It will be hard. I feel like I need to basically retrain myself on how to live again. Days will turn to weeks. And weeks into months. Months into years. Time will continue to move forward. All I can do is hope that I do too.

2010 was a good year. I loved it. There were plenty of rough times. Days when I look back, I wonder how I was able to make it through to the next day? But there were even more great times. Days when I look back, I wish I could relive again. I shared some wonderful memories. Some wonderful times.

2011 has now begun. I am 26 years old. And I am alive. Again.