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This year we celebrated together at Morgan's apartment. One of her friends from school came over as well. It was nice. We cooked some delicious food, and had tons left over. It was the first time that I have really cooked Thanksgiving. Granted, Morgan cooked most of it since I was fairly loopy from the surgery and drugs. I really enjoyed being able to celebrate with her.
But that is not what this blog post is about.
About two hours after Morgan and I got back from the surgery center on Wednesday my landlord came pounding on my door. I let her in, and she very furiously asked my why my rent check had bounced. I had no idea it had. I told her that I would get her the money by Friday, and she left appeased. After that we sat down and pulled up my bank account to find that I was over $300.00 in the hole. I called US Bank, and asked why I had so many overdraft charges and why my checks were bouncing. I was told that since I am filing for bankruptcy, they can not legally cash my checks. A rule that is very specific to US Bank only.
We talked for quite a while about my finances. I cried a lot. Not due to my surgery hours before, but because of my embarrassment about my fiscal situation. We decided that we may need to take a "break" in our relationship so that I can work out this junk. But that we would talk about it again before we came to that conclusion.
Thursday I woke early and set out a plan that would help me fix this. I created an Excel document that had all my estimated paychecks from December 2010-June 2011. Along with all my known expenses (rent, utilities, gas, groceries, phone, etc...). Basically a very thorough budget for the next six months. I also did some research and found a Financial Counselor that would be able to help me stick to this plan, and also evaluate my situation to see where I could improve. It was a good start. But with it being Thanksgiving, it was all I could do.
Our two-year anniversary was Friday. Morgan had too many class projects to do, so we decided we would celebrate on Sunday. So I prepared some food (salmon, taters, muffins, and peas), and Morgan cooked it all so I could stay off of my knee. After a delicious dinner we sat on the couch and just enjoyed being with each other. We had planned to go see the new Harry Potter movie, but Morgan had a dance rehearsal and lots of homework due on Monday. So sitting next to each other was a perfect substitute.
That was when Morgan told me how she was feeling. She told me that right now, she just can not handle the stress of my financial situation. That she felt that we needed to go on a "break" until I fix this. It was not what I wanted to hear. Nor what I had expected.
I was basically numb. We talked about it. I told her how I felt about it. How I feel that I can work on this, and we can still be dating. I told her that I didn't want to lose her. That she is the person that I love the most in this entire world. That she means the world to me. That I would work the hardest that I could possibly work to get this fixed. That I was not happy about this decision. And she told me how she felt. That she does not think that I can fix this while we are still dating. That I don't handle the money well, and how she feels she distracts me from things. This being something that I can not afford to be distracted by. And that she just can't handle the stress of it right now.
It really didn't help that I had taken two Vicodin moments before this conversation. I felt loopy. I felt sad. I felt like I was at a loss.
After waiting to see if I was going to be alright, she kissed me. Told me that she loves me. That she misses me, and wants me to come back to her as soon as possible. I told her just how important she is to me. That I love her too much to not fix this. I kissed her again, hugged her, and she left.
I laid on that couch for a good 45 minutes. I was breathing, but I think that was the only body process going on in my head. I was very sad. I didn't expect this. I never imagined it. Eventually I got up, and did some much needed homework.
The next morning I woke up and immediately felt the effects of the night before. I felt like my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. I felt hollow. But, I also had a task to do. And dwelling on the pain that I was feeling really wouldn't help me. However, it is a nice motivating factor.
Morgan and I have been dating for over two years. In those two years I have either been unemployed, or have been barely working enough hours to pay for the small bills. Rent was always a problem. Every month was such a struggle for me to come up with my share of rent money in Cedar City. Many times I had to sell things to get by. Twice I was late, and told our landlord I would get the money to him when I could. It has always been a problem.
It was the same story with groceries. Gas for our vehicles. Money for trips and dates. Restaurants. Movies. Every time that I would swipe my card at a business I would wonder if I actually had enough funds to cover the expenses. There were plenty of times that I didn't. Those times Morgan would help. She didn't have to, but she did anyways. She was always there to help me. I would always pay her back the moment that I could. But still felt terrible about it.
Then there was the fact that my Toyota Tacoma was repossessed in June of this year. Between paying rent, and groceries I had not been paying the entire monthly payment on my truck. I really loved that truck. I think for a long time I have been placing the blame on America First for not working with me more. Truth is it was my fault. Entirely my fault. It was me who made the conscience decision to not pay the bill entirely. It was me who did not work enough hours to pay those bills. Yet Morgan stood by me, and was strong for me.
Month after month I struggled. Month after month I would tell Morgan that I was getting things squared away. And sometimes I was. Some months I was doing pretty well financially. But it was always the same problem.
In August I began my new job working as a Surgical Assistant in an oral surgery center here in Mankato. It felt so good to be making money again. That first month I made a budget. And I actually stuck to it. September came, and I forgot about my budget. I was paying my rent money. Gas and groceries were getting better too. In October I moved into a new apartment. I had the money to pay the security deposit and first months rent. It took quite a bit from my checking account. And I think at this point was where I started to make my error again.
I was still working, but admitidly it was for fewer hours. Dr Marlow had more days off, and instead of me coming in and working with Dr Kim, I decided to take the days off too. So my checks were getting smaller, but my spending habits stayed the same.
The weather continued to get colder. And I knew that I would eventually need to retire the scooters for the winter and get a car. A co-worker told me of a website where you can bid on cars for fairly cheap. I went home and without really looking into it, I bid on a car. I eventually won the auction. And the price of the car soon doubled after their fees and registering the car. It was great to have a vehicle again. I really did need it. But I should have done more research into the system rather than jumping fully into it.
Seth and Derek came out to visit in the beginning of November. It was such much fun. I had a really good time with them. This trip was expensive. I am grateful for the help that Seth and Derek gave to me in paying for parts of it.
Looking back I see where I have made my errors. It is easy to look back and see what I should have done differently. The trick is to be looking ahead, and seeing the difference between what I can honestly afford. And seeing what I would like to be able to afford.
I need to be more responsible with my money. I really do. I need to start saving better. I can't keep struggling and worrying about where I am going to get the money for rent. I can't keep filling up a shopping cart with food, and looking at Morgan for help when the cashier tells me my check has been declined. I can't keep pawning off my stuff to pay for gas in my car.
Realistically, I shouldn't have to do these things. I am working 64 hours a pay period, and I get $13.00 an hour. I make enough a month to pay for these things. So why do I constantly struggle? It doesn't make sense. Why do I keep telling Morgan that I will work this out? Saying; "it's is just this month, I will get it fixed".
I need to be more reliable with my money. I do. I need to know that I have enough funds in my account to pay for the things that I need. Morgan needs to know that also. She shouldn't always wonder if she is going to have to pay for the things that I need. I am very grateful for her help. But I have taken it too far...I never intended too, but I allowed it to happen.
I have a plan. I am filling for bankruptcy. That will be a big relief. I am also planning on paying rent for January-May upfront to my landlord in January. This will allow me to save quite a bit during those months. I am also meeting with a Financial Counselor. We will take a look at this plan, and see where I can improve. Ultimately I need to fix this for me. It is not healthy for me to live my life like this every month. Let alone the stress that it puts on my loved ones.
I miss Morgan. I do. But I am hopeful. I know that things are going to work out. I know that. I want us to be a family again. I am not mad or upset with her. She made a very brave decision to go on "break". She cares for me, and wants the best for me. I know that. I am writing this to tell you, who ever you are, that I am aware of this problem. That I am very actively pursuing a solution. It's up to me to fix this. And I am going to.
Wow, Josh, you wrote some very interesting things and I appreciate your honesty. I beleive that you will be able to work things out. I do, I love you... remember us too!
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