For Reasons Unknown

Have you ever received an answer to a prayer, and wondered if you really did? Or if it was just a fleeting thought from your own mind? Well, I have. Let me elaborate.

Last summer I was faced with a decision to move to Minnesota. I had a very good job opportunity there, and I was desperate for a job. But moving across the country is a big deal. It meant leaving all my friends and family. And everything familiar to me. And basically starting all over.

I prayed about the move, and felt that it would be a very good thing for me. My parents told me that they did the same thing, and felt the same as me. So, I trusted my gut and moved.

Shortly after making my home in Minnesota the challenges began to set it. The job I moved across the country for fell through. I was unemployed again. And I remember wondering why I felt so good about moving here, if I was going to be unemployed again? Then luckily I found a very good job. And I was blessed.

Things started to work for me again. Then due to mistakes and poor decision-making on my part my life financially really started to fall apart. Worse than ever before. Then what started as a "break" between me and Morgan eventually led to a break-up. And I hit that downward spiral with all the force of my being.

Life literally fell apart for me. The only stability I had was in my job. I would wake up feeling depressed and terrible. And that would persist through my day, and onto my nights. I was miserable. I felt like I had lost everything in my life that made me who I was. And lost the love of my life. The only solace I had was in hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Deep down inside of me I wanted to change. I wasn't happy with the person that I had become. Eventually I started to put the pieces of my life back together. It was a slow, painful process. It still is. I was finally having to start over.

Time past, and wounds began to heal. I still had a very hard time accepting what had happened. It was surreal to me. I kept fighting, and wanting to change the past. And force the future. But I soon realized that it was a futile fight. And the only thing that it was doing was hurting me more. I really needed to sit down and evaluate what I was doing, and what I wanted. What it was that was the most important to me.

About this point I really began to wonder why I was here. Why would the Lord prompt me to move across the country if I was only to suffer? It made no sense to me. I had had some good times in Minnesota, but was it really only about that? I had a good job here, but surely I could have moved back to Utah and found a job there too. Maybe if I would have done that Morgan and I would have still been together? Maybe life wouldn't have fallen apart on me like it had? I was frustrated. I was angry. I had put my trust in a Being that didn't really seem to care for me. Like I thought He did.

I found myself being angry at pretty much everything. But most of the anger was directed to God. I tried to put on a good face when I was working. I smiled a life-less smile to Morgan. Church and prayer became pointless to me. Anger and frustration were the only feelings present at those moments. Scripture study was useless. I was done. I was ready to give up and move on with my life without God. As far as I was concerned He really didn't care for me. So why should I care for him?

I really began to wonder what the point of all this had been. Why did I have to suffer so much? Why couldn't I just be happy like I once was? Why was so much of who I was tied up in feelings that were now just one sided? Why when I needed God the most did He seem to leave me? Why had I devoted so much of my life to something that left me feeling so alone? It no longer mattered to me. I was ready to walk away for good.

Then, just when I thought things were hopeless I was slapped in the face by the epiphatree.

In a matter a few days my life has changed. That first change was the wake-up call I got from Dr Kim last week. (For more on this subject, click here!) The second literally has been life changing.

When I was a zone leader on my mission I remember teaching my missionaries that they could "bind the Lord" to a specific blessing. That was if they did all that they could do, and were obedient to the mission rules and to the gospel. A few days ago that memory came back to me. As well as the thought that I could apply this same principle in my life right now. That if I went to the Lord with a specific blessing in mind, and did all that I could do accomplish it myself, that He would be bound to bless me with what I need.

I pondered on this for a few hours. I decided that my life was worth it. So I went to the Lord in prayer and told him that I would be completely obedient to His commandments and the gospel as I know it, and in return He would give me my life back.

As I said, this has been life changing. I feel like I have a new light inside of me. My soul feels alive again. I am feeling confident and optimistic. Hopeful for the first time in months.

Looking back now... Maybe this is why I felt prompted to move to Minnesota. I was talking to a close friend about all this. He asked me if I were back in Utah if I thought I would have gained these new insights into my life? I thought about his question for a few moments and told him I doubt that these insights would have come at all. Even if I would have had all the struggles in Utah as I have had here recently, I would of had my family and friends to really help me through them. But being here, I have had to rely on myself. My family and friends have helped me a lot, but the majority of it has come from me.

It has been a rough road. But I think these were the lessons that I needed to learn. I needed to realize that my goals and life aspirations are up to me. I can no longer sit idly by and hope that they will happen on their own. I also realized that I do need God in my life. I am a strong, stubborn person, but I am ultimately helpless without His help. I know that now.

Life is interesting. It's hard, and it is a challenge. But I love it. I am excited for the life and the experiences that are in store for me now. And grateful for the help that has brought me to this point.