For Reasons Unknown

Have you ever received an answer to a prayer, and wondered if you really did? Or if it was just a fleeting thought from your own mind? Well, I have. Let me elaborate.

Last summer I was faced with a decision to move to Minnesota. I had a very good job opportunity there, and I was desperate for a job. But moving across the country is a big deal. It meant leaving all my friends and family. And everything familiar to me. And basically starting all over.

I prayed about the move, and felt that it would be a very good thing for me. My parents told me that they did the same thing, and felt the same as me. So, I trusted my gut and moved.

Shortly after making my home in Minnesota the challenges began to set it. The job I moved across the country for fell through. I was unemployed again. And I remember wondering why I felt so good about moving here, if I was going to be unemployed again? Then luckily I found a very good job. And I was blessed.

Things started to work for me again. Then due to mistakes and poor decision-making on my part my life financially really started to fall apart. Worse than ever before. Then what started as a "break" between me and Morgan eventually led to a break-up. And I hit that downward spiral with all the force of my being.

Life literally fell apart for me. The only stability I had was in my job. I would wake up feeling depressed and terrible. And that would persist through my day, and onto my nights. I was miserable. I felt like I had lost everything in my life that made me who I was. And lost the love of my life. The only solace I had was in hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Deep down inside of me I wanted to change. I wasn't happy with the person that I had become. Eventually I started to put the pieces of my life back together. It was a slow, painful process. It still is. I was finally having to start over.

Time past, and wounds began to heal. I still had a very hard time accepting what had happened. It was surreal to me. I kept fighting, and wanting to change the past. And force the future. But I soon realized that it was a futile fight. And the only thing that it was doing was hurting me more. I really needed to sit down and evaluate what I was doing, and what I wanted. What it was that was the most important to me.

About this point I really began to wonder why I was here. Why would the Lord prompt me to move across the country if I was only to suffer? It made no sense to me. I had had some good times in Minnesota, but was it really only about that? I had a good job here, but surely I could have moved back to Utah and found a job there too. Maybe if I would have done that Morgan and I would have still been together? Maybe life wouldn't have fallen apart on me like it had? I was frustrated. I was angry. I had put my trust in a Being that didn't really seem to care for me. Like I thought He did.

I found myself being angry at pretty much everything. But most of the anger was directed to God. I tried to put on a good face when I was working. I smiled a life-less smile to Morgan. Church and prayer became pointless to me. Anger and frustration were the only feelings present at those moments. Scripture study was useless. I was done. I was ready to give up and move on with my life without God. As far as I was concerned He really didn't care for me. So why should I care for him?

I really began to wonder what the point of all this had been. Why did I have to suffer so much? Why couldn't I just be happy like I once was? Why was so much of who I was tied up in feelings that were now just one sided? Why when I needed God the most did He seem to leave me? Why had I devoted so much of my life to something that left me feeling so alone? It no longer mattered to me. I was ready to walk away for good.

Then, just when I thought things were hopeless I was slapped in the face by the epiphatree.

In a matter a few days my life has changed. That first change was the wake-up call I got from Dr Kim last week. (For more on this subject, click here!) The second literally has been life changing.

When I was a zone leader on my mission I remember teaching my missionaries that they could "bind the Lord" to a specific blessing. That was if they did all that they could do, and were obedient to the mission rules and to the gospel. A few days ago that memory came back to me. As well as the thought that I could apply this same principle in my life right now. That if I went to the Lord with a specific blessing in mind, and did all that I could do accomplish it myself, that He would be bound to bless me with what I need.

I pondered on this for a few hours. I decided that my life was worth it. So I went to the Lord in prayer and told him that I would be completely obedient to His commandments and the gospel as I know it, and in return He would give me my life back.

As I said, this has been life changing. I feel like I have a new light inside of me. My soul feels alive again. I am feeling confident and optimistic. Hopeful for the first time in months.

Looking back now... Maybe this is why I felt prompted to move to Minnesota. I was talking to a close friend about all this. He asked me if I were back in Utah if I thought I would have gained these new insights into my life? I thought about his question for a few moments and told him I doubt that these insights would have come at all. Even if I would have had all the struggles in Utah as I have had here recently, I would of had my family and friends to really help me through them. But being here, I have had to rely on myself. My family and friends have helped me a lot, but the majority of it has come from me.

It has been a rough road. But I think these were the lessons that I needed to learn. I needed to realize that my goals and life aspirations are up to me. I can no longer sit idly by and hope that they will happen on their own. I also realized that I do need God in my life. I am a strong, stubborn person, but I am ultimately helpless without His help. I know that now.

Life is interesting. It's hard, and it is a challenge. But I love it. I am excited for the life and the experiences that are in store for me now. And grateful for the help that has brought me to this point.

Float On

So I have been listening to Modest Mouse a lot more recently. That would explain why my last post is titled as it is. However, today's post could not be more accurately named. And it is 100% true.

Let me tell you a story.

Five years ago (plus one week), a young man came off of an airplane. He had goals, and aspirations. He wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he knew he could do it. He had just spent the previous two years as a missionary for his church in San Francisco California. He learned a lot about life while living there. Many positive things, and many negative things. Lessons that he knew would stick with him for the remainder of his life.

This 21-year old man was extremely talented in many of lives pursuits. He was very smart. Very confident. And was very capable to excel in anything that he tried. Be it; academics, athletics, or just life in general. Hardly ever in his life had he really ever needed to try to succeed. Things just came natural for him. And he realized that.

Soon though his life started to fill up with new activities. And he began to forget many of those lessons that he swore he wouldn't ever forget. He soon realized (like all returned missionaries) that life can be hectic. And is not nearly as simple as it once was. He became lazy. Rather than trying to excel and be the best at whatever he tried, he settled for mediocre. He knew that all he really needed to do what apply minimal effort, and he would be able to get by. So he did.

Life kept changing for him. He had many opportunities to grow, and become a better man. But he choose the easier option. He had convinced himself that he didn't need to try hard and excel or learn. But instead all he needed to do was to show up. And he would be just fine. He missed out on those opportunities.

Today, he is in Minnesota. And he has different goals and different aspirations than he did five years ago. Ultimately with the same end result, but through a different path. Up until this moment he never really gave them much thought. He knew that he would have to work. And try to accomplish these things. But not really try. He knew that they would not just fall into his lap, but why put forth all the effort if he doesn't have to?

But that is just it. He realized today that he can be successful. And he can live life the way he is right now. And he will just continue to float on like he has been the past five years. And those goals that he had would be nothing more than a faded dream. Long since forgotten and out of reach.

Or, he can try. He can realize that these things that he is hoping to accomplish are going to be a challenge. And they will be hard. And the only way that he can reach these goals is if he puts forth the necessary effort. But not just the necessary effort. He needs to be the best. The best that he can be. And that means doing more than he is used to. That means stretching himself. And pushing himself to be the best. Otherwise, he will never accomplish them.

There have been many realizations that have come to me in my life. But I can honestly say that none of them have come with more power, and more emphasis than this one did today. I realized that I have not really tried with anything for a long, long time. I have done what little I needed to do to get by. And it has worked. And it has cost me more than I can imagine. I have a wonderful ability to learn, and excel in things so easily. What is a challenge to most people, is an easy accomplishment for me. I have had chances and opportunities for huge personal growth, but I have chosen the easier way. This has applied with pretty much everything in my life. School, work, relationships, activities...you name it. And I am ashamed with myself. Ashamed.

I did not write this post to brag, or to build myself up. I have no need to do either. I wrote it to share with you what I just learned. I am not proud of the way I have been coasting through life. Who knows what those decisions have cost me? Who knows where I would be today if I would have just applied the effort that comes so easily to me? But I do know what I want for me today. And what I want for me tomorrow. And the next day. I am the only one who can make it happen. And if I really want to accomplish my goals, then I will find a way to do it. I won't look for the easy way out. Or the excuse that fits my needs. I won't rationalize my way to get what I want.

This is my life. I have the chance to do whatever it is I want. But wants and goals aren't enough to accomplish this. It takes effort. And it takes work. And it takes me.

Parting Of The Sensory

"Lousy Smarch weather"... I have never really been one to complain about the weather. I love the hot, sweaty days. I love the rainy days. I love the snowing, freezing-your-bum off days. And everything in between. But, I am ready for Spring. I want to go exploring. And hiking. And fishing. And being out enjoying Minnesota. Someday I suppose...

There really hasn't been much new going on in my life recently. But I thought I would kinda post a general update on things. So I am. I will try to hit all the main topics going on in my life as of now.

I started a new weight training program at my gym this week. I gotta say, I haven't pushed myself this hard in a long, long time. And it feels so good! Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my lifting days. With Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday as my cardio days. After just a week of this, my knees and shoulders are finally starting to feel like they are getting strong again. I am anxious to see some more progress! I feel like this is a good strategy and plan for me.

School is going well. I am actually surprised at myself... I forgot how well I can do in my studies, if I just apply some effort! However, I do currently have a D- in one class. My elearning site (SUU's online portal) was down for about a week, and caused me to miss a pretty big test and assignment in one class. And as such my grade went from an A to an F. I am working on bringing it back up. In time. It is an easier semester than some of my previous ones, but I do need to re-develop my study habits. And I think that I am. And that makes me happy!

Work has been long lately. Long and tiring. I still really enjoy my job. I like the people that I work with. We have been hanging out a lot more recently. It is the usual places; BDub's (Buffalo Wild Wings, or the sushi place, or Pagliai's. It is fun to go and just hang out again. It has been such a long time since I have. It's nice to have friends. I really don't know why I ever tried to convince myself (and others) that I didn't need them. I am a social person, and somehow forgot that.

The missionaries have been coming over quite a bit recently too. I told them once that they were welcome whenever, and they have taken that literally. I am still trying to find my spirituality again. I feel like I am kinda on a plateau right now. Just stuck.

I haven't heard anything from my bankruptcy attorney since the meeting with my creditors a few weeks ago. I suppose that is a good thing... I am slightly worried that they will come back with something. I dunno what though. I just want to get it all finished. So I can officially move on.

Morgan went away for Spring Break this week. So I have the pleasure to watch the Haylee. I love this dog. Morgan told me once that Haylee has the ability to convert people to dogs. I didn't believe her at the time. But it is true. She really is amazing. We have been going on walks everyday. And playing and such. It is nice having her in my little apartment. Every time that I see another dog, it makes me appreciate Haylee even more.

Life is starting to be ohk again. I know what is missing, and I am alright with it right now. I think that for a long, LONG time I have just been stubborn and fight to have my way. A trait that can be admirable, but a trait that makes some things very hard. So I am just taking a big step back, and trusting that things will work out. One way or the other. And realizing that me fighting may not be the best thing for it. My feelings haven't changed, but I am. Changing for the better.

I forgot what it is like to be busy! Sometimes I look back and wonder just how Morgan was able to do all that she did. My schedule is no where near as busy as hers is, or was. Yet I find myself not having enough time in each day to get what I need done. I feel bad for not understanding that before. I have started my night dance classes. I will be modest when I say this, I am the best student in the class! So far we have learned the Tango, the Foxtrot, and a Waltz. I am enjoying it. I thought that maybe it would be a good chance to meet girls near my age...but I was wrong. My dance partner is some 55 year old woman. But it is alright. I am learning. And having fun while doing it. My Spanish class is going well too. I am amazed at how quickly the language is coming back to me. It has been 5 years since I last spoke it. And I forgot most of it. But so far, just two weeks into class, I am having conversations again. It is a good feeling. I auditioned for a musical this week. The Fantasticks. It was prolly the best that I have ever auditioned before. The director and musical director told me they were very impressed...after they found out that I will be outta town when the show opens. Oh well. I am glad to know that I still have that talent. They told me to make sure that I audition for their next show. Whenever that will be...

I found out that Ameritech has a site for me to finish up my internship with them. I will be working at the Orem Community Hospital from May 2 - May 13. It will be nice to FINALLY get that outta the way. I realize that it has been my problem, and I should have finished it a long time ago. But again, lets remember my sentence about my stubbornness...

I think that is all... Life is going well.

One Day

I don't want this post to seem like I am beating down on myself. No, please take it the other way. With that said, let me begin.

One day, I will be proud of the way I look. I see pictures of me and see a much thinner Josh. And I can't cite many reasons/excuses why I think I have chunked out. But I decided today to take a different outlook.

I was at the gym running my first mile in months (yes, my knee is very sore. I have ice on it as I type this), and I was thinking to myself. I have gained quite a bit of weight in the past two + years. I have tried several diets, and quick solutions...but none have really worked out for me. I know that I am by no means a chunk-a-lunk. And I know that I still look good. But I am not happy with the current situation of my pant or belly size.

So tonight I propose something a little different. Starting tomorrow I am gonna record everything that I eat, and hold myself accountable for it. I don't think that I eat junk food. Fast food makes me ridiculously sick, so I have never really eaten much of that. But I am sure that I can find areas to improve. At the same time I know myself. I know that I will start this, then get bored of it cause of my terrible attention span. So I am gonna allow you to hold me accountable too.

I have created a new blog for me to record what I eat. I do not expect you to check it on a daily basis, and text me asking why I drank a coke...but I think that making it public just may in fact help to keep me working towards my goal. And I realize that in order for that to work, then I need to be completely honest about it. Which I plan on being.

I think that I will also include what I did as far as exercise too. Might as well make it a daily journal of calorie intake, and outtake.

You can check it out, here!