Bling (Confession Of A King)

I am the type of person who tends to hold things in, rather than express myself completely. It isn't a matter of me being afraid of confrontation or exposure of my real feelings. No, I mainly use it as a protective shield. Because if I don't actually acknowledge my true feelings myself, then how can I get hurt? Or if I don't confront someone with a concern that I have...then I might just hold onto that relationship a little longer. Which for me, becomes a comfort.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now. It has been a great help for me. He has helped me to understand...me. The way I function, and also the reason why I do most of the things that I do. I have always been fascinated by the way that the mind works, and so to help me understand how mine works has been great. Those of you who know me well enough know that at times I can be very impulsive. I can also be very stubborn, and hard headed. I tend to push things to the limit, just so that I can get my way. I can also be very...well...moody. I am also a thrill chaser, and a risk taker. And I have used that as the drug-of-choice for many years.

Now I am not writing all this so that you can confirm your suspicions that I am indeed a psychopath... I am doing it to help me process all that has transpired these past few weeks, and months, and years. And the best way for me to do that is to write it all out. So bare with me.

Life to me is nothing more than reactions based upon experiences based upon situations. If you think about it, that really is the whole thing. Your job, your family, everything that makes you you is due to those. Recently I have been working on implementing a new way of handling those in my life.

Think. Feel. Do. Three simple words that when given my history and the way that I function should help me out a lot. Theoretically this should help to limit my impulsiveness. My need for control. My stubborn nature. My rationalizing out of any situation that I am in. Or rationalizing myself into any situation that I want. And even my need for risk and thrills. While at the same time, helping me become the best person that I can be. The best Josh that I can be.

Regrettably, I have not always been able to keep those emotions and actions in control. My acting on a whim or feeling or emotion or thought or even lack of thought has done some damage in my life. Damage that has been hard for me to get over, but also damage that has been hard for others also. I have caused pain and anguish in people that I care about for too long. And honestly, this is only something that I have recently begun to see.

I am beginning to understand the pain that I have put others through. I now understand when people can get emotionally tired from around me. I see that my rationalizing really only hurts the situations that I am in. And that maybe it isn't actually rationalization at all...but me attempting to back peddle myself through a situation that I could have avoided if I would have taken the time to think properly through it. I see that my over exaggerated self image is really just a protection for me from getting emotionally hurt. I know that I have caused pain, and hurt, and cost people their jobs, and done stupid things in my life. For that I am very sorry.

I guess the thing that I am trying to get at is that I now see. I see the way, and the reasons that make me do and act. And I don't ever want to be in these situations again. And I definitely do not want to put any one else in any of these situations again. I simply can't. I have been forced to learn a very hard lesson. I am not perfect. I've learned that my mistakes do catch up with me. I have also learned how to avoid all of this. And it is a simple thing... Be honest. Think. Feel. Do.

Now I know that no one is perfect. And I know that it may take a lifetime to properly implement all of this. But it's worth it. My life is worth it.

Anthology

Our lives built on tin cans and string
But the cornerstone laid is a wondrous and beautiful thing
Sure in the ground

While the North wind is taking it's toll
You have helped me to find my way back and to anchor my soul
Safe in the sound

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

I bragged of bearing my bones
Said if we heard the howling
I'd run out to face it alone
To meet it half way

But I've still got badges to earn
So keep sifting my soul
Cause I think that I'm starting to learn
To love you that way

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope
Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say
Come what may

Oh you know me
Oh and I know you
And I know that
We can see this through

This Circus

The more I think about it, the more I think that this blog is aptly named... The Adventures Of Josh. I would now like to share some of my recent adventures with you.

I have been having some really long, long days lately. I started waking up super early (for me its ridiculously early) at 5:30 and doing some cardio at the gym. Which usually means that I am running 3-5 miles in the hour that I am there. Then going straight to work. And working through my breaks, staying late, and dealing with the annoying/problematic patients. And being the last to leave. Then coming home, eating some sorta something for dinner, then going to the gym to do some weight training. Then finally come home again, extremely exhausted from the day. Now I realize that this may be a normal day for some people, but lately for me it has been too much.

On one such occasion I came home from a late night work out at the gym. Mixed me up a protein shake, then sat down on the floor to take my shoes off. Next thing I know it is 7:55 in the morning and I have 5 minutes to get to work! I don't think that I have ever been that tired before. Or slept that well on the floor... Ha! Needless to say, I took a few mornings off.

Last summer when Morgan and I moved to Mankato we were very surprised at the amount of mosquitoes that are here. But we learned quickly to take a garlic pill once a day, and it would help to limit (yes, I did mean limit) the amount of bites we would get. This year, I really wished I woulda remembered that wonderful little supplement. I have become a pin cushion. A very itchy pin cushion.

My ADHD has been getting the best of me again... I have started to redecorate my apartment. It seems that this type of thing happens about every six months or so. I can't help it though...I just get bored of everything staying that same! Can ya blame me?! So I have copied some of the projects that Morgan and I did in the past, and am doing them for me now. Just the Josh version of things. I hope that they turn out alright...

The past few weeks I have been pretty busy directing a show called; Horns. It is a short (10 minute) play for a performance called The Coffee Shop Tales. It has been a lot of fun for me. And good to get my theatre fix in. I took over for Morgan before she went on vacation. I think that the show turned out really well. And I had a lot of fun directing it. Theatre is a talent that I need to use more often.

I NEED A VACATION!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned that FedEx called me outta the blue and offered me a part-time job with them. I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and saw it as a huge answer to all those prayers. Well, a week or so later they have told me that I will not be driving for them. All because of all those problems that I had in Cedar City with those few tickets that I got while driving for FedEx. I am honestly pretty upset about it. Ohk... Very upset by it. What was the whole point of me being offered the job if it wasn't going to work out? I just don't get it. So basically, I am clueless again, and tired of my life being a constant circus.

Give Me One Good Reason

Well... Do I have the story for you?! Ha!

So as I mentioned on my last post, I have been debating about moving back to Utah for quite some time now. I also mentioned that I had my X-Ray Certification test on Wednesday. Can you take a guess on where this story is going?

I have spent the past few months searching, and applying for work here in Mankato, and also in Utah. But with no real leads in either place. Which is one of the reasons why this 'to move' question has been such a difficult one for me to decide on. On Wednesday as I was driving up to St. Paul to take my X-Ray test my phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end introduced himself as the Mankato FedEx Ground Terminal Manager. He went on to say that he had been looking for a part-time driver to drive a Home Delivery route on Wednesday's and Saturday's. And since he and I had spoken last fall when I was previously searching for work. (To re-read up on those "adventures", click here!) He decided to call me out of the blue to see if I would be able to drive for him! Now, if that isn't incredible enough for you, Wednesday and Saturday are the two days off I have every week! So I quickly told him I would love to drive for him.

Talk about a blessing!

Now, if you know anything about me at all, it's that me and FedEx do have a history...and not the best history either. I went in today to update my information with them earlier today. The job is mine pending a background search and a drug test. Wahoo! I am so excited about this!

With that in mind, I called my family and friends and discussed things with them. And I think the wise thing for me to do is to give it a try here. I think that this is really a blessing from God, and who am I to say "Thanks, but this job wasn't really what I wanted..."? I think it is the least I can do. And if things don't work out, then I guess I will really know where I need to be. But for now, I think it is here in Mankato, Minnesota.

So I say "Thank you" to all those who have prayed for me and this decision. I do really appreciate it!

Oh... I am pretty sure I aced that test.

Weigh On My Mind

This week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go see a psychologist. Today I met with him to go over the results of the tests that we had been doing. Originally I was convinced that I was the typical ADHD person, but that just may not be the case. He started off by telling me that results of the intelligence tests showed that I scored in the top 98% of the entire nation. Basically saying that I am a pretty smart dude! Ha! Like I needed to hear that... It was actually really nice to hear that. He went on to say that he does not believe that I have ADHD, but that instead I suffer from a mood disorder called Hypomania. It is a form of bipolar, but not very excessive. The way he described it to me is that 13 outta 14 days I am on top of the world and can achieve absolutely anything, and that 14th day I sink to a very low depressed state where I feel I am worthless. Then I just bounce right back up again. (For more info on hypomania, click here!)

I am actually ohk with this diagnosis. I just feel like I could do more with my life, and maybe this may help me. We are wanting to treat this with therapy first, and then he will refer me to a Psychiatrist. I think it is worth a shot.

Wednesday is my state X-Ray certification test. I am kinda nervous about it. I have been studying, but as always, could be doing better about that... Like not blogging, and studying!

I have still been really debating on moving back to Utah. I am just still really struggling financially. My hours have been cut back at work, and my expenses are just too much. I have been hoping for things to work out for me, but so far there really hasn't been too much of a change. And that makes me sad. I really do love Minnesota. And I think that it has been good for me to be here and to help me become a better person. I am hesitant to say, "Well, I tried. I guess I better move back home..." I don't really know if that hesitation comes from pride or stupidity or something else. I do need to do what's gonna be best for me. I am just struggling figuring out what that is. I have spent loads of time praying, and fasting, and pondering, and working to try to find the better solution. But really, I still am clueless. There are just so many things to consider with this...

However, Thursday (July 28, 2011) is the decision day. I need to know if I should start packing, or just keep working hard on trying to make things work. I really think that this could be possibly the biggest decision of my life so far. Either way I decide, this decision could potentially change the rest of my life. And I think that is what scares me. I want to do what is gonna be best for me now. And what is gonna be best for me in the future. Pray for me.

Call Me In The Morning

Well, I don't know where you're going
But I know where you've been
I've been tracing all your footsteps
I've been counting up your sins
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
You left before I had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go

Don't let go...

Well you reached into my mouth
Pulled out a single bloody tooth
I've never shown that to anyone
Yeah, no one knows but you
A ticking bomb, a false alarm, a wrecking ball...
I left before you had the chance to say:

"Just call me in the morning."
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through, don't let go
Honey, don't let go

Just call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Oh!

You never knew that it would take so long
To understand you're right where you belong.

I don't know where we're going
But I know where we've been
We've been hiding from each other
We've been hiding from our sins

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Call me in the morning
Call me when you're home
I know what you've been through
Don't let go

Don't let go
Don't know where we're going!
Don't let go
But I know where we've been!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from each other!
Don't let go
We've been hiding from our sins!

Call me when you're home...
I know what you've been through...
Don't let go...

The New Year

Today marks the year anniversary of a day I'll prolly never forget...

I don't necessarily wanna dwell on the past, or the experiences that occurred that day. But I think it would be worthwhile to tell the full story. Cause I am not sure if I ever have shared it here. So, let me begin. (I did however give a brief narrative here.)

Cedar City, Utah. June 30, 2010. Morgan had been in Provo for a few days now working as a note taker. Which left me and the Haylee in Cedar alone. Before Morgan left we had gone out and experienced as much of Southern Utah as we could. We both knew it would be the last time that we would be together in that area for a while. (Click here!) Haylee and I had the task of finishing the move from Cedar City, Utah to Mankato, Minnesota.

The day started with me waking up early and loading up the moving trailer. I had not eaten any breakfast that morning since our food was in boxes, and I just assumed I could grab something on the journey to up to Springville where I would be spending a few days with my family before we started the long drive to Minnesota. It took about three hours for me to finish packing and loading the U-Haul. I then proceeded to clean up our house as much as possible. The plan was for me to load, then clean, then shampoo the carpets with rented carpet cleaner, then say "good-bye" to Cedar City.

Those plans changed dramatically when around noon I noticed a man pulling up next to my Toyota Tacoma. I went outside to question him, and he told me that he was repossessing my truck. I was shocked to hear this. I had been making my payments to my credit union for the truck, but had not been able to afford the payments on my personal loan, and credit card. So they were taking my truck as collateral for the back payments. I tried everything that I could to fix the situation before the man took off with my truck. But no dice. So I quickly unhooked the U-Haul from the trailer hitch on my Tacoma, and the man left.

I was devastated. Not only was that my one source of transportation, but it was also the means for us to move to Minnesota. I contacted U-Haul and kinda explained the situation, they told me that I could use the money that I spent on the trailer towards renting a 17-foot moving truck. Seeing no other option, I agreed. The problem with that was the truck was 45 miles away.

A few hours later my neighbors came home. I told them the predicament that I was in, and they agreed to take me to Enterprise to get the truck, but it would cost me $45.00 to do so. I was desperate, so I agreed. While loading the trailer onto their Jeep, my neighbor lost his grip on the trailer tongue and the weight of the trailer came crashing down onto my right middle finger, breaking the knuckle and causing it to gush blood. With my left hand I picked the trailer up off my finger and placed it on the hitch. Something that I have no idea just how I really did... With the rush that I was in I didn't have time to properly see to my finger, so I just took care of the bleeding and we began our journey to Enterprise.

After securing the U-Haul truck I began the task of unloading the trailer of all of our belongings to just reload it all into the truck. By this time it was around 5:00 pm, and extremely hot. I still had not eaten anything, and was starting to become quiet exhausted. My neighbors were quick to leave me as soon as we had got into town. So the burden was all on me. I finally finished around 7:30 and began the drive back home to Cedar City.

By the time I got back to Cedar I was famished. I was tired. I was sore. I was angry. I was beat. I cleaned the house and the carpets quickly. Finished loading everything and securing it all. Then Haylee and I said "good-bye" to out home, and started the drive to Springville.

Around 2:30 am the next day I arrived at my parents house. Looking back at that day, I am honestly surprised that I was able to do all that needed to be done. Morgan had been very good to offer help and encouragement for me. But I don't know how I had the strength to handle it all on my own.

A year later I have seen some of the reasons why things happened the way they did that day. I have seen some major blessings that have come from it. And learned some valuable lessons also. It was a day that I don't think that I will ever forget, and a day I hope to never repeat.

Living For Today

...Sigh...

...Sigh...

That's about it.

I am now facing the option of staying in Minnesota or moving back to Utah. There are many contributing factors in this. I will list them in another post. I'm just deep in thought. And sad that my life always has something like this going on...

The Clock Was Tickin'

The teacher had you write a letter, you were eight years old
About the man that you’d become and the positions you’d hold
But this was long before you and Jackie Geronimo met in the Prelude Park at midnight
Now when it came to bells and whistles, Jackie did not lack
And when she kissed you on the kisser, boy, you kissed her back
Now you tell her that you love her and she cuts you slack
When you drink with your buddies on the weekend

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
You spend your whole life dropping nickels in the bucket, wakin’ up at dawn
And while Jackie bestowed the joys of fingerlickin’
The clock up on the wall was tickin’

You got yourself a job cleaning hospital floors
But Jackie had a baby, then she had five more
They’d pay you just enough to drag your ass to the store
To buy bread, milk and Better Homes & Gardens
Jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams
A cottage in the country built with real wood beams
There’s a baby in the bedroom, he’s starting to scream
She holds him though he probably won’t remember it

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Now the kids are all grateful when they left the nest
And Jackie wasn’t perfect but she did her best
You seize the opportunity to get you some rest
But you can’t sleep on account of screaming grandkids

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
But you can’t quit cause Jackie needs the benefits

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
They say patience is a virtue but the doctor says she don’t have long
You stood up and tried your damndest not to listen
But that clock up on the wall was tickin’

When they told you to clear the room, that’s when it hit you
You watched as the caravan took your sweetheart away
The arguments and fights and money troubles seem so worthless
As the kids throw yellow roses on her grave

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
The house is quiet now and everything inside it seems to know she’s gone
There’s a picture of you both sixteen years old just kissing
And that clock up on the wall was tickin’

You always thought she had a chance and it was somewhere hidden
Now you’ve come to the conclusion that she never did
Not a chance, that is

Retrace

Ugh…I am exhausted! In the last two and a half weeks I have been in seven states, had seven flights, been in and out of four different times zones, and from sea level elevation to over a mile high. I had way too many restaurant/fast food meals, and not enough sleep. But with that said, I have had a wonderful time!

I am officially a college graduate! FINALLY! While I was in Utah I was able to finish up my internship with Ameritech. It feels nice to be done with that. And they were really good about helping me finish. I am grateful for that. Yay!

I had a good time while I was in Utah. I spent a bunch of time with my family, and friends. I met my nephew, Declan for the first time. He's a good little dude. I call him Captain Stink Pants. I think the name fits him very well! I do love my family. I am grateful for all that they do for me. I am not sure when the next time is that I will see them.

I was able to relax. Fish. Hike. Rock climb. Watch movies. Play video games. BBQ. Play home run derby. Drive a car. Chill. Finish surgeries. Hang out. Play guitar. Jam. And prolly more. It was a good time. But it is good to be home too.