All The Small Things

Morgan and I have been on "break" status for a week now.

It has been a hard week. I would be liar if I said that I have not struggled with things. I find that every chance I get to talk with Morgan I am trying to "define" things. And hash-out the problems. Something that I know can be wearing on a person. But I haven't done it for that reason. I would never.

I have a very logical mind. I see a problem, and naturally come up with the most logical solution for it. I have always been this way. I think it is one of the reason that I handle stress so well. And really crappy situations well. I don't allow myself to freak out, or get stressed. I fix things as soon as possible, in a calm and orderly way. And I love it. I love to know that whatever happens in my life, that I will be able to react in this fashion.

But I think that the reason that I have been going back to Morgan, and trying to "hash" things out with her. And to find a "definition" for this problem that we find ourselves in, is simple; because I have allowed myself to not see the problem. Honestly. And talking with her, and trying to understand her viewpoint has helped me out a lot. Allow me to explain.

For over a year Morgan has been telling me to go and hang out with friends. She has been telling me that I need to be more social. That I need to be out living my life rather than sitting at home, waiting for her to come back. I have argued that I don't need friends. That I have enough friends back in Provo and Springville (during Cedar City times), and back in Utah (for Minnesota times). I have told her that I have work friends and that I really don't need any others. Now you can call me a liar. Because I was. I knew that when I was saying all this, and trying to convince her of it that I was right. I would think that she wanted me to go out and have fun with other people because she didn't wanna spend time with me. That she was sick of me. Or whatever dumb reason that crossed my mind. And believe I KNOW how pathetic that all sounds. I had no reason to think these things. Morgan has always been supportive of me. She has always been loving and appreciative of all the things that I have done for her. So why would she be "sick of being around me"? I admit, it makes NO sense at all.

I have gained prolly forty pounds or so since we started dating. I am not proud of that. Some days I would see Morgan acting a little different towards me, and have naturally thought that it is because of my weight gain. Even when I have asked her about it directly, and she tells me that she loves me no matter what. So I would start a diet, and start exercising more often. Something that I love. I love to run. And lift weights. And exercise. It is one of my favorite things to do. But I would do all these things for the purpose of fixing that small issue that I saw in our relationship. Even though I was told that it was not an issue at all. So ask me now if I have lost that weight yet...

There have been many many more instances that I could describe. Some that are far too personal to share to any random reader. Or even to my Mom, because I think that it is only her and Morgan that read this...

But with all this "hashing-out" that we have done lately I have made some very good discoveries. I know that this sounds incredibly cocky, but I think that I am a very smart person. My grades will suggest otherwise. But I have never really ever had to study for any test. Yet always get one of the top (if not the very top) score in my classes. I have a near-perfect photographic memory. That has always come in handy. But with all this, I have some how missed some of the most obvious things in life.

Morgan wasn't telling me to go and be with friends because she didn't wanna hang out with me. She simply saw the obvious fact that I was sacrificing who I was in order to somehow spend an extra five minutes with her. She wanted me to go out and have fun, and be ME. People need a break from each other all the time. I remember my parents saying that to me quite a bit. But with me being around all the time, I never really gave her a break. And more especially, I never gave myself a break. I liked always being there for her. Being ready for her every beck and call. I know that sounds ridiculous. I do. Now.

I think that the reason why I have never really lost any weight while on a diet or exercising like a mad man is very simple: I wasn't doing it for me. That prolly doesn't make much sense, I am dieting and exercising, how is it not beneficial for me? I don't think that I really was doing it for me. I saw the problem as a couple. And tried to address and correct the problem as a couple. Not as an individual trying to correct a very individual problem.

I have been so focused on the "us" between me and Morgan. And have completely neglected the "me". Which was something so very prevalent in our early days of dating. There was Josh. There was Morgan. And there was us. But lately (and I mean, the last year and a half) there has been Morgan, and there has been us. Josh somehow forgot who and what he was.

Now the real pathetic thing to all this is I know better. I have always, always been an individual person. I loved the person that I was. Somehow I allowed myself to get so caught up in being a couple that I forgot that I even existed. Morgan has been pointing this out to me for a long time. But I have been to stubborn to see it. She has been really patient and hopeful that I would just take care of it... But I didn't. And not because I didn't want to fix the problem, but simply because I didn't see the problem.

Notice how many times the word "I" has appeared? This is about me. This is about me.

Last night I looked through one of our old facebook photo albums. I saw a different couple than I see today. One picture in particular stood out to me. I starred into our eyes, they were just so full of love for each other. We were so much happier. We were a couple, yet individuals at the same time.

I don't know when I lost focus of my needs. I really wonder at what point that happened. But I do know that I need to take care of them. I need to exist in my own life before I can expect to exist in someone else's also. I realize that this is not the only issue at hand between Morgan and I. I would be a fool to say so. I also know that this will take some time to be fixed.

Friday night I went and saw a movie with a co-worker, The Next Three Days. I really enjoyed it. And had a lot of fun. This is the first time that I have done anything for myself since... July of 2009??? It was long over-due.

The whole message behind this blog is quite simple... I understand. I finally understand.