Learning How To Smile

Yay for Christmas! It has always been my favorite time of the year. My favorite holiday, by far! It has been nice to spend it with my family. They are really wonderful people. And have made it a special Christmas. I thank them for that.

My family draws names for who we get gifts from, and who we give Christmas gifts to. I drew Seth's name. But due to circumstances, was not able to give him more than a Coca-Cola and a candy bar. Derek drew my name, and gave me some wonderful gifts. He went out of his way for me. Thanks Derkinra!

There was a moment when I got really upset with things though. We went over to Seth and Marissa's place to see what they got for Christmas. While Seth was showing what he got and I got so mad. Not at them. Not that they got different Christmas gifts...but mad that his life is progressing. And mine is not.

Then I got mad that I can't even be happy on Christmas. That the only way that I can be really happy is when I think of the future. That I will be happy when I get my life in order. Or when I am in Dental School. Or when Morgan and I are back together, and enjoying life together. And that really irritated me. I should be able to find happiness in whatever situation I find myself in. But lately, the only time I find me being happy is when I look to the future. And that is something that I would like to change.

It isn't fair to me. It isn't fair to my family. It isn't fair to Morgan. I need to be able to find happiness with myself, and not rely on other people to provide that for me. I need to be complete.

One step at a time though. Change will come. Things will progress. I can't expect all these big changes to occur in one week. But I can be happy and enjoying life in the mean time. And that is my goal now.