I Knew You Before

1,200 miles. 22 hours. And we're back in Utah!

It was actually not as long as a drive as I thought it may have been. Morgan and I had some good conversations. I will be honest though...yesterday was quite rough. I cried quite a few times. I broke down a lot. And hurt inside even more. I wanted so desperately for us to be together. I wanted to touch her, to kiss her. To hold her hand. To rest my hand on her leg. To feel the connection that I have felt before. To be validated in our love. But, as I realized, that isn't helping...ME.

Those things, although they mean the world to me, have continually hurt me. I take a strong hold on these moments, and cherish them. And that isn't a bad thing, but when I focus on them and not my problems, they become bad. They become detrimental to me.

I think that is why I struggled so much yesterday. And why this has been so hard on me. And to be honest, I haven't really approached this the way that I should. I have been trying to fix this problem for me. But not entirely. I have wanted to fix it, while Morgan and I are still together. And still essentially a couple.

I need to be more serious about this. If I don't fix this now, and Morgan and I eventually break-up completely, then I will just take these trends and this problem that I have onto the next relationship. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have prolly had this problem my whole life. But it has been masked by "caring" or "love" or whatever other positive thing. And again, those are great qualities. But there really needs to be a limit. I need to be the most important person in my life. I do. Then I will be able to take care of those around me. Without it being detrimental to me.

I love Morgan so very much. I respect and love her for what she is doing for me now. She saw a serious problem. She tried many approaches to help me fix this. But when they eventually failed, she took a harder approach. And I am very grateful to her for that. I don't love this situation at all. But I recognize that this really is the best thing for me. I need to find myself again. And she is helping me to do that. She is standing right behind me, supporting me. And loving me from afar, rather than up close. She is sacrificing too. I realize that. And I love her for that. She is a very wonderful and caring person. Who desperately wants the best for me.

I can do it. I can honestly say that I am confident now. I don't need to spend any more time trying to dissect my problem. I see it now, and now need to devote my time and energy to fixing it. I need to be strong. I need to stand up for me, and what will be best for me. No matter how hard that will be. I need to really start taking care of me. Me first. Then I will be able to help others. But only then.

I can do it. I can!