I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I really don't know what I wanna write tonight. I just know that I feel like I need to.

I don't think that I have been too honest lately. I think that I have been trying to put on a facade. And act like I am doing better than I actually am. But to be brutally honest, I am not okay. I haven't been for quite some time now.

I would say a year ago Morgan told me that she thought I was depressed. I disregarded it. Me, the Josh Wright, how could I be depressed?! I was though. I was living vicariously through Morgan. And through other people. So naturally, I was depressed. Denying me to live my life automatically forced that depression on. This isn't something new. I have discussed it in depth in previous posts. I am just trying to build up some background. (I think anyways...)

Since Morgan and I broke up I have been trying to heal. And trying to get my life back in order. I have needed to for a long time now. I think that Morgan stepping out was a wonderful display of her love for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. She is right. I need this "Josh time". It is nice to know that I can focus entirely on me. And I like to think that I have been making some great progress. (See my last post for more details on that.)

But at the same time I absolutely HATE this. I know that I hurt Morgan with my stupid financial junk. I am trying to forgive myself. I hate that I have driven her away. And that my poor money managing skills, and poor life management drove her out of my life. I found someone who I loved. Who I would go to the ends of the world with. Someone who made me genuinely happy. I never ever anticipated us ever breaking up. I thought we would grow old together. And I looked forward to that.

I miss her so much though. I love her with all of my heart, and soul. I want nothing more than for me to get my life back in order, and for her to be by my side again. I know that I am supposed to be focusing on me. And I have been. Honestly. But I can not let go of what we had. And I can't not wish for that again. It is something that I think about everyday.

That is what I mean when I say that I am not okay. Morgan is dating another guy now. And I'll be honest, the first time I saw him I wanted to do something terrible to him. I don't know him, but I can't stand him. I have asked a few girls out, but with no luck yet. I am trying to heal. And trying to move on as much as it kills me. But I love her. And I want her. I want another chance with her. I loved "being a family".

I can't go on with this charade anymore either. I want her to love me the way that she did. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms. And tell her "I love you". I want to kiss her. And hold her. And feel at piece with her. I realize that this isn't all me either. That there are things that Morgan needs to work out in her life.

I don't know why I am in a rush to get things back to normal. If things ever get back to normal. But I feel like I am making progress. And I feel like I am headed in a good direction to get my life straightened out. I think it all comes down to a simple fact; I was happy with her. Extremely happy. And I want that again.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I wish I did. I want Morgan to see me, and see the Josh that she fell in love with. I want her to want to be with me again. She is an amazing person. She is wonderful, and caring. She is hardworking and motivated. She is stunningly beautiful. She is an angel. She was my angel.

I know that life will work itself out. I don't doubt that. I believe that there is a Dude above who has a plan for us all. I am trying to trust His plan. I have tried to force my way too long. And I believe it has accounted for some of my mess right now. I am trying to be happy. Trying to live life again.

There. I am now completely vulnerable. Judge me for how you will. But I am being honest. With myself, with God, and with you.

Morgan, I love you. I will always love you.