Somewhere Out There

For a while now I have been wanting to write a year-in-review blog. One in which I reflect on the positives and negatives of 2010. I thought that it would be beneficial for me to write everything out, but I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

I am beginning to realize that I have kept and dwelt on some of the negative things far too much. And that I have allowed these moments to start to control who I am. And how I perceive life. I don't really like that too much. Life is supposed to be hard and challenging. And I have always liked that. Because I have usually thrived in a challenging atmosphere. But lately, I have allowed these challenges to take a strong hold on me. And drag me down to the depths of misery and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost the things that have mattered most to me in my life. I used to be very spiritual. I prayed. Read my scriptures. I tried to live a life in which I felt a connection to God. I had a desire and love for these things. I can remember what the Spirit felt like. But vaguely. I don't know when I stopped caring and trying for these things. But I did. I did. I consciously threw out the window what once was very important to me; and an integral aspect of who I was. I've lost my faith. I've lost my hope. I subsist on a day-to-day basis wishing there would be change. That I would change. But never doing anything about it.

I can't help but think that this is probably a main reason as to why I have lost myself. I am sure that there are more.

I have lost material possessions. Stuff that really didn't matter. But at the same time played a big part in the person that I was. I feel like I can trace all these loses back to poor choices on my part. But I don't like to dwell on them.

My heart is broken. It was once full. Okay, it was overfilled. I miss those feelings. I miss that Love. Life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. I wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of my decisions. I can't help but think it would bring about different situation now. It is hard for me to let go. It's hard for me to admit that it is over. That the thing I cherished most in my life is done. I have a hard time looking into the future and seeing me happy. How did I go wrong? Why did I allow myself to be utterly lost in this relationship? I ceased to exist.

Somewhere along the line I subconsciously saw that I was unhappy with my life. But I failed to recognize the reason and source of that unhappiness. Instead, I found an outlet. Something that I could use to mask my feelings. Some one who would make me happy. And I liked it. I soon forgot about my feelings. I soon forgot about my needs. And naturally those feelings and needs became more apparent to other people. But I was stubborn, and would not see them. I continued to mask and hide them. I pushed harder, and was more persistent. I would not admit that I had a problem. I was strong. I was stubborn. I was a liar. I no longer cared for me. I existed only in a physical state. My sole purpose was to live for other people. My life was no longer my life. I had freely given it away. And not in a noble sense. Or even in a way that deserves respect. No, what I did was wrong. There was no honor in it. No reason to be looked up to. I was selfish in being so selfless.

Like I said; life has a strange way of getting my attention. But it has it now. What's done, is done. As much as I hate my situation now and wish it were different, I need to embrace it. This is my life. I have to see that. I have to start living again. And living for me. My choices and decisions need to be made with my best interest in mind. It will be hard. I feel like I need to basically retrain myself on how to live again. Days will turn to weeks. And weeks into months. Months into years. Time will continue to move forward. All I can do is hope that I do too.

2010 was a good year. I loved it. There were plenty of rough times. Days when I look back, I wonder how I was able to make it through to the next day? But there were even more great times. Days when I look back, I wish I could relive again. I shared some wonderful memories. Some wonderful times.

2011 has now begun. I am 26 years old. And I am alive. Again.