Smile Like You Mean It

I was at the gym today. I rode the exercise bike listening to some classic AFI. Then when I decided I had stressed my knee enough, (I forgot to bring my knee brace again...) I went and did some weights. I followed Derek's lifting routine for chest/pecks. Goodness, it is quite the workout. But the whole time I was gymming I could not get a very simple thought out of my head. I really have not been happy for a while now. I have been depressed, and just existing. Basically just going through the motions of life. And I know that this is something that I have posted before. It is not really a new realization.

I was looking at myself in the mirror while I was lifting, and I could not help but see Josh deep down inside of my reflection. I smiled, but felt like it was a very superficial smile. That fake smile brought back a flood of memories from my past. Old memories, and recent ones alike. I lifted, but my mind was not into it. I watched as these moments flew past in my mind. And I smiled. And my heart smiled. And it was genuine.

I then realized that Morgan (once again...) was right. I was approaching our break with the intentions of fixing it, and proving to her I could do it. I wanted to do it for our relationship. I knew it needed to be for me, but never really understood what that would mean. I think that I do now.

I am sorry if I am being repetitive on things that I have posted before. But writing these things out is far more beneficial for me than you prolly realize.

Back to the gym. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile, and have it be a real smile. ALWAYS! I want to be happy with me again.

There once was a Josh who was carefree. Who lived life to its fullest, and loved it. There was a Josh who would make everyone laugh, and laughed. Who always had a smile on his face. The Josh who knew how to care for others, and live his life at the same time. A Josh who people wanted to be around. Someone who made others feel better about life...just by being himself. He was confident. Positive. Optimistic. Proud of who he was. He didn't rely on others to make him happy. Or relationships to bring him entire happiness, it just happened. Then I realized, I AM THAT JOSH!

I am the Josh who would introduce himself as; The Lord Joshington, The Josh Wright, or The Elder Wright. I am Josh Wright. And I want to be that Josh again. I want to be the person that people don't forget after I walk away. I want to be who I used to be.

I honestly don't think that this will be a very hard adjustment for me. I don't. I know who I am, and I know how I was. And, I know how to be that person again.